Well, yesterday PetSmart man showed up at my work right on time. He phoned me on the cell phone that he was in the parking lot and not sure which building was mine. I said I'd walk outside and find him. So, the office staff didn't get to ogle him on the way in. Oh well. Most had left to get their own lunches anyway.
He remains seated and I get in the passenger side. So far so good. We decide to drive over (it's close enough to walk over) and then order and find a nice table. The ambiance at Erik's DeliCafe is nice. Sort of rustic and cozy.
He was bumping up against my arm/elbow while standing in line to order. I kind of liked that.
As usual, he was all smiles. I asked about how his work weekend in Colorado went. I tried to follow along, but it's all engineer -ese and computer stuff. I can't follow for too long. He says he likes to complete a task as fast as he can. Sort of like a challenge for him each time he takes something on. I'm getting that he is quite competitive. So am I.
He brought up Tae Kwon Do fighting. My son has been taking it for almost a year and has had the same color belt for the past 9 months. He's almost there with his form but can't quite master it perfectly. He offered to teach him but I was thinking that I wasn't ready for him to meet my son or come to my home. He went on about how he was taught in Germany. There was an emphasis on high kicks. Especially to the face.
Uh, well. The masters at our gym don't teach their pupils that style. I think it's more like points for kicking to the body and making good blocks. But he was insisting that that was the cool thing about Tae Kwon Do-"I kick hard to de chest and den BAM! I kick zem in de face! Den it's over. I kick der ASSSSSES."
Yikes. I was not getting a warm fuzzy feeling. In fact I wasn't feeling anything. I started having a conversation in my head as I was sitting there. I was running out of things I wanted to talk about. I felt nothing. I wanted to get up and go back to work. But I had to get back in his car before getting to my office. Drat.
He asked me how I would say in Dutch, "Kiss me, please." I told him and then asked the same of him in German. And he just smiled at me across the table. Had I actually FELT something I probably would have leaned across the table and kissed him. But there was nothing. I was sorting of simmering a small panicky feeling within myself that there was something dead inside of me that no longer worked. How come I felt NOTHING?
The hour was up and we stood up to leave.
He wrapped his arm around mine and we walked to the car together. Then, once in the car, he started kissing me. And then KISSING me. And I followed his lead. But I felt like a cold fish. I had nothing.
He said he would call me later.
I have no idea what the problem with me is. He's a very nice man. (Although the kick-his-ass attitude didn't sit well.) He's good looking, has an accent that I like to listen to, athletic, smart, he listens to me and responds to what I say, and seems to be emotionally available. He even has a job. What else is there?
I'm missing that elusive "chemistry" thing. I'm not sure how to turn that on. He seems to have it for me, unless he's faking it too.
I just can't fathom going any further--physically. I don't WANT him.
Maybe something died with menopause. I feel hormoneLESS.
(I have admit that yesterday was a horrible day for allergies and I took benedryl and it really knocked me over with side effects. But at least the snot stopped.)
The last guy I really WANTED was back in 2001. That relationship never went anywhere--he was fresh out of divorce #2 and a bit skittish about starting up a new relationship.
Heavy, heavy sigh.
What do I do?
Do I go on another date (assuming maybe it was the benedryl blahs that did me in)?
Or is this a sign that it just isn't right with this guy? I don't want to throw him away when there might be a chance for something nice to develop.
I wish this stuff was easier. Sheesh.