Thursday, April 29, 2010


Well, the trip to my friend's farm will be postponed a bit longer. We'd initially made soft plans for the 8th, but I have to cover a Saturday shift at work and so it will be pushed out longer. Hopefully the 15, but my sister's birthday is the 14th so there is a big chance that I'll be expected to go to her house that day for family celebrations for her. We'll see. There is a small chance that we'll do a two-fer and celebrate her birthday with a Mother's Day thing. That would be great--more time to schedule other weekend adventures.
This Saturday we're going to my other sister's home to celebrate her girls' birthdays (J turns 16 and M is 14). Their birthdays are 2 weeks apart so most of the time they suffer and celebrate it all together. This year all they want is money. Ugg. I hate giving money. It feels so impersonal. Plus I know the 14 year old will spend it on a freaking-expensive cell phone so she can continue to text 1000+ times a day to who knows who. (She's hijacked her mothers ever since hers dropped in the toilet.) I really don't like the lack of social graces in this newer generation and knowledge about how to interact with people in "real" time, face to face. (God, I sound old and out of touch.) They don't get to learn how to have a conversation, superficial or otherwise. At least that's my explanation as to why my nieces and nephews rarely attempt to converse with me when there's a family gathering or even just call on the phone and chat. Plus, I'm fearful of cyber bullying for my nieces. The 14 year old has been targeted a number of times on my*space and who knows what the subject of those texts are about. No good, most of the time, I bet. Or at least a good percentage of the time. Am I being pessimistic? Maybe. Or maybe the fact that I just saw a blurb on the Today show about a young girl who hanged herself due to mean kids bullying her with texts and what ever other cyber stuff is out there to potentially use to exploit and batter young innocents.
It all scares me so. Some kids can be so mean. What is it about the human race that allows such.....well....meanness?
We gotta connect more. Understand more. TALK more, instead of putting up a cyberwall and depersonalizing everyone out there.
Oops. Tangent.
Well, I hope to post soon on spending the day in a perfect place, playing and feeding little lambs. I want to go to an old-fashioned happy place.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I'm Going To DO it!

I've decided that I have to take action and get going on exercise.
I've mulled the idea around long enough and now I'm ready.
I'm going to buy that 12 DVD series that Tony Horton puts out and get myself in shape. I hope he's as fun to watch on disc #12 as he is on disc #1.
I'll take before, during and after photos, but honestly, I don't know if I'll be brave enough to post them. We'll see.
First step: Find the web site (or wait for the info-mercial again) and order the DVDs.
If I follow the instructions and wake up extra early most of the time and put a good faith effort in, by the time we go camping at the Lake in August I'll be able to wear the swimsuit of my CHOICE! Wouldn't that be a dream?

Friday, April 16, 2010

It goes to show you...

Things usually work out, often even better than originally planned. ;)
I phoned my friend about my being such a nitwit and forgetting to arrange my work schedule to accommodate our coming for Picnic Day. I left a message--she was, no doubt, very busy getting her house ready for the big BBQ. She phoned me back a few hours later and said, "Hey, that sounds like something I would do!" I suddenly didn't feel so stupid and like I'd found some camaraderie and even more common ground with her. Nice.
She said she was disappointed....she now has 29 of the cutest lambs ever. So we made plans for our coming over next weekend. Some of them need to be bottle fed and T will get to help. Neat-O! We won't have the UC campus events or a parade but we will have way more time to actually visit and catch up (since there is no busyness with a huge party for a bunch of people I barely know). Now I get way more face time with her. She said she would try to get her brother, his family and her parents to come over too. Tooooo perfect!! Now we just have to pray the weather stays as perfect as it is right now.
I'm loving the way this turned out.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Can't get it together yet

Drat. Drat. Drat!
I totally forgot that I work this Saturday! It's April 17, the day of Picnic day at UC Davis. I've been going there just about every year since I was 2. It's kind of a parent's day for university students and their families and they show case each department with lots of cool things to do and see on campus. They also have a large veterinarian school so there are lots of animals too. Plus a super cool parade with the school band and so many enthusiastic groups from the school and those that live in and around town. The friend that I generally spend my time with used to live in Davis but now has about 20 acres outside of town and always hosts a big BBQ. It's just great for kids with a pond to swim in, animals to play with (including 9 new baby lambs this year) and lots of room to run. So many photo opportunities! For some odd reason I only get up to visit her on Picnic Day, making it especially important to get up there and catch up with my long time friend.
But no.
I totally forgot to inform my work and make the switches I could have made to get the day free to go. And now it's too late (I tried.) and so my son won't have the chance to enjoy all that there is to do up there.
I even spoke to my friend just 2 weeks ago and told her I was going to be there and was looking forward to it. UGGGGG. Now I have to call her and tell her what a nitwit I was. I'll reschedule and come up another day, but her brother won't be there (with his kids that are near the same age as T), nor any of the rest of her family (grown and away at school), not to mention, no parade and other fun stuff. But we'll still get to hang at the farm with the animals. He won't care about visiting with my friend, but that's as good as I can make it this year.
Grrrr. It won't be the same without all the rest of the kids to play with.
Other things that add to the anxiety/bad mommy feelings of this week:
1. Didn't plan any away/vacation time with T during his Spring break week. Seems like all the other families in my neighborhood remembered.
2. Forgot to bring snacks for the kids last Saturday and it was reported that the kids were so sad and HUNGRY. Ouch. But I get to redeem myself today. (Mom is bringing the snacks to the game today since I'm working--but I did remember to buy them!)
3. Forgot to go the bank at my appointed time to sign yet another paper that had to be notarized for the equity line of credit.
4. Forgot my contact lens (yes, lens--I only wear one) at my parents this morning. (Been staying at my parents part of this week so they can watch T while I work.) And forgot to bring home the gallon of milk I bought and stored in my parent's fridge. Not a big deal but adds to the list of forgetting stuff.

I wish things would go a little more smoothly. Obviously, I need a better way to organize myself. I'll get it together soon...

On a brighter side, T made me a beautiful picture yesterday and placed it on the foot of the stairs with a small chocolate (dark! my favorite!). I wish I could post a picture of it, but it had a big heart at the center, with "I love Mama", "I miss you", written all over it. It was quite colorful. And he was so proud to present it to me.
As I was putting him to bed last night (again, we chose to watch TV, this time "Minute to Win It", a new game show--he loves any game.) He really seemed to love the game show and what the contestants were doing. So it was after 9PM before he got to bed. As we were laying there, he said, "You know what Mama? I'm so lucky. Whenever Oma has to watch me and when you're late from work and she gives me a bath and then she brings me to bed at seven-sixty or seven-fifty (not worked out exactly the time stuff yet) and she reads books with me because it's not so late at night and we have time to read. I really like that."
I smiled and agreed that he sure was lucky.
But you know what I was thinking?
Two things:
1. Oh! Bad mama for assuming he wanted to do what I wanted to do: watch some lame TV show--eating up all the time we could have for book reading (and special memories for us both).
2. How cool that he really likes to read stories rather than stay up late to watch TV. Of course, I knew reading was the right thing to do for him/us but I love that he actually prefers to be with me (or Oma/Opa) and read stories together.
That makes it easy. I have to break some bad habits (TV vegetation) and spend our evenings together, by really BEING together. I can vegetate AFTER he goes to bed.
So many little ways I can improve......little things that collectively are quite big.
(I'll stop whining soon. I swear.)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I'm feeling down today.
I can't explain exactly why.
It's after 1PM, I haven't moved beyond my robe and slippers. I've been moping around the house, trying to find the purpose and direction for my day. It's Spring break this week from school, so T is off all week. He whined enough about having to go to CDC (on school site day care) that my mom and dad offered to watch him instead of the dreaded CDC. I'm not sure why he loathes it so. He says there are "big kids" that bother him. The T that I know stands up for himself and never hesitates to tell someone what he thinks. But maybe when I'm not with him, he's a different kid. He claims to be shy. I can see glimpses of it occasionally, but mostly I would never use the word "shy" to describe him. But I want him to know that I really listen to him and take what he says seriously. It really seems to bother him to go to CDC, even for a few hours, so I took my parents offer and he'll go there Wednesday-Saturday. I work this Saturday, so that's why I can lounge and mope around at home today.
Yesterday, Mark came over. Yes, I know. I was surprised too. He phoned the night before and never really gave an explanation as to why he flaked out last time. I told him I would not do any special preparations and would likely look like crap...crud....well, not doll myself up. Because then, surely, he would not show once again. As it turned out, I was fully dressed, WITH make up on and hair somewhat nicely done (it was a rainy day and I'm prone to the tiny-est bit of humidity--FRIZZY curls). Oh well. Who cares. Only me, I think.
It was nice to see him. He looked the same in lots of ways. He was dressed horribly though. Baggy shorts, a few layers of shirts with outer one being a blue plaid quilted jacket, white socks and black sneakers. And a baseball cap that never left his head. Not the outfit to make a girl swoon, you know? And swoon, I didn't. Maybe I wasn't supposed to. But we chatted and caught up for over an hour and then I had to make an appointment for my first acupuncture visit and he had a dentist appointment. He has a beautiful smile. He always has. I don't know if I'll hear from him again. I'm indifferent, either way.
Shit. I wish I could feel something, some time.
He said he could fix my side gate so that I could open it, so that would be nice. We'll see.
T has been playing Wii for HOURS. I'm feeling like really bad mom. A few days ago I caved and bought a new Wii game for him. He'd only had the Sports edition and that was plenty. It still is. But he sure is loving this SpongeBob Boating Bash. This week the weather has been quite rainy and that was my excuse yesterday to allow him to play it nearly ALL DAY LONG. This morning he woke at 7AM and asked to play it again. I said yes, thinking I was getting up shortly and then I'd change it to the Today show while I had my coffee. But I ended up getting out of bed by 8:30 and he was playing it until after 9. I finally put my foot down and changed the channel so I could tape a few movies. We just had DirectTV hooked up yesterday and I'm really loving all the extra channels. But it also makes me feel more like loser. Accomplishing nothing. But I've learned how to manage a DVR (never had one before) and I'm trying to record a few movies I've SO been wanting to see, but haven't made the time/effort to do yet.
As I type, T plays on. And it's not even raining today. Poor kid. He needs a buddy to play with and I'm falling down on the job. To be honest, T is really happy playing the Wii games as long as I root for him and watch from time to time. I wish there was another kid he could play with, but I really doubt I will foster or adopt another child. I can't load my parents up with another responsibility, and I don't have the funds either. Guilt. Either way.
I have a headache.
I need to mobilize myself. I have to buy an external hard drive so I can copy all my pictures that are stored in my home computer and then I can scrap this old one (circa 2001 or so) and get a new one. I pay for "high speed" Internet service but it's almost as slow as dial up because my computer is old and full. At least that's what I think. Plus I can't ever turn it off because chances are pretty good that I won't be able to turn in on again. It's busted inside and my computer guru-friend says it's time to move on. But for now it works well enough. A few days ago I though I was a goner. The PG&E guy came over to install a new "SmartMeter" while I was at work and, interrupting my my electric service for the few minutes he needed to, my computer was dead-as-a-doornail. CRAAAAAAP.
I think I tried to turn it on about 250 times. And then, for some unknown reason, it actually turned over and stayed on!! All was not lost. (Actually I have 99% of my pictures on an Internet picture site, so I can access them from there. But still. I wanted to copy them and have them to myself.
I don't like getting dressed lately. I don't like what I see when I'm undressed. It's all changing. I'm not overweight. But, I have been there. In my early 20's I used to weigh about 170 pounds. I say "about" because at some point I refused to stand on a scale or have my picture taken to document my misery. I did once make a drawing of myself, pointing out all the areas I hated. It was my way of motivating myself to lose the excess baggage. Somehow, little by little, I did it. These days, I'm about 10 pounds up from my lightest adult weight. (The lightest weight was due to a post break-up depression, and doesn't really count because I will never get down to that weight again, nor should I.). I just need to shape up! It's all going the way of gravity. Down. Plus I'm getting these weird pains. I've had a strange hip pain that is so severe it stops me from walking. Then it switches to the other side with no residual pain in the first side. It can go on for months in different modes of severity and then be GONE. As if it was never there. I had this pain 3 years ago, but after one year of procrastination I went to an acupuncturist and after 3 treatments the pain vanished. It stayed gone for 1.5 years until last February. When it wouldn't leave me after a month, I had referral put in to the acupuncturist again. My favorite acupuncturist moved an hour north from here (bummer!) so I asked for someone that had the same kind of style that Phillip had. Yesterday I met her. Her name is Lisa. Actually it's a hard-to-pronounce Chinese name, but she goes by Lisa. She was amazing. I really enjoyed my time with her and she came up with good explanations and a plan that sounds like it might work.
I will see her every Monday for a month and then we will re-evaluate to see if this treatment is working or not.
What was clear was that my posture needs work. I hunch too much. And my stomach is weak making it difficult to support good, even weight distribution. I've heard this before. But who likes sit ups? I'm working myself up to doing something really different. I want to have a strong body that I'm proud of. One I don't mind dressing in the morning. Clearly it's going to take some concerted effort on my part. Strong, muscular bodies don't happen by accident. Unless your day job requires you to lift heavy objects and incidentally get aerobic exercise in the mix.
I stumbled on an infomercial a few days ago. In just 60 short days, you too can have a body like the ones they sport. Just by following along with these fun filled DVDs. And 3 payments of $39. AND lots of sweating in front of your TV in the comfort of your own home.
Well, that just suits me fine. Being a single parent, I can't leave the house without someone else here to watch T. The only hours I can find to spend exercising that wouldn't induce more guilt is before the day gets going--6-7AM would be ideal. Not too early, as long as I make myself get to bed by 10 or so. Maybe with this new DVR, I'll be able to watch my favorite shows earlier (without commercials!) and get to bed sooner. My problem is that I have let T become addicted to the same shows I like and so we watch them together. And then he gets to bed well after 9PM, there is no time to read together (which I think is horrible, creating more guilt) and there is no "me" time at the end of the day--prompting me to stay up too late vegetating in front of the TV.
Will I do it? Can I find the energy everyday to wake up and do a workout all by myself? (I've tried to find someone in my neighborhood to commit to doing it with me but I've found no takers.) I don't know. I'm trying to talk myself into it. It has lots of up sides, and the only down side is my own potential to slack off. I won't pay to join a gym. Even if I did join a gym, with all the sports obligations T has during the week and weekends, I couldn't go after work and the only available time is too crazy to make him wake up at 5:30AM so he can sit in some day care (I bet they don't even offer it at that time because that would be just cruel.) and wait for me to be done sweating. See? Working out at home is the best option. And the cheapest too. It's a good idea. I just have to pump myself up, ramp the energy and motivate myself to stick with it.
And the backyard is still a mud pit. That's got me down too. I don't like clutter and the ugly, disorganized way my yard sits in is weighing on me. I just had the equity line of credit approved so now it's just about finalizing the plans and getting the right contractor. It's moving at a snails pace. Dad is helping with the written drawings, but I'm not sure about the materials for the patio surfaces. So it can't move forward until I make up my mind. I did a drive through the next neighborhood and found a home that had used a mix of brick and stamped concrete--very close to what I had envisioned. It looked good. The pattern of brick wasn't the same as I'd planned, but I might revised that part. Because this guy's yard looked really nice.
We'll see how it morphs.
Well, I better get going and find a direction to move. I've been at this computer too long and T has played much too much Wii for one day.