Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I'm feeling down today.
I can't explain exactly why.
It's after 1PM, I haven't moved beyond my robe and slippers. I've been moping around the house, trying to find the purpose and direction for my day. It's Spring break this week from school, so T is off all week. He whined enough about having to go to CDC (on school site day care) that my mom and dad offered to watch him instead of the dreaded CDC. I'm not sure why he loathes it so. He says there are "big kids" that bother him. The T that I know stands up for himself and never hesitates to tell someone what he thinks. But maybe when I'm not with him, he's a different kid. He claims to be shy. I can see glimpses of it occasionally, but mostly I would never use the word "shy" to describe him. But I want him to know that I really listen to him and take what he says seriously. It really seems to bother him to go to CDC, even for a few hours, so I took my parents offer and he'll go there Wednesday-Saturday. I work this Saturday, so that's why I can lounge and mope around at home today.
Yesterday, Mark came over. Yes, I know. I was surprised too. He phoned the night before and never really gave an explanation as to why he flaked out last time. I told him I would not do any special preparations and would likely look like crap...crud....well, not doll myself up. Because then, surely, he would not show once again. As it turned out, I was fully dressed, WITH make up on and hair somewhat nicely done (it was a rainy day and I'm prone to the tiny-est bit of humidity--FRIZZY curls). Oh well. Who cares. Only me, I think.
It was nice to see him. He looked the same in lots of ways. He was dressed horribly though. Baggy shorts, a few layers of shirts with outer one being a blue plaid quilted jacket, white socks and black sneakers. And a baseball cap that never left his head. Not the outfit to make a girl swoon, you know? And swoon, I didn't. Maybe I wasn't supposed to. But we chatted and caught up for over an hour and then I had to make an appointment for my first acupuncture visit and he had a dentist appointment. He has a beautiful smile. He always has. I don't know if I'll hear from him again. I'm indifferent, either way.
Shit. I wish I could feel something, some time.
He said he could fix my side gate so that I could open it, so that would be nice. We'll see.
T has been playing Wii for HOURS. I'm feeling like really bad mom. A few days ago I caved and bought a new Wii game for him. He'd only had the Sports edition and that was plenty. It still is. But he sure is loving this SpongeBob Boating Bash. This week the weather has been quite rainy and that was my excuse yesterday to allow him to play it nearly ALL DAY LONG. This morning he woke at 7AM and asked to play it again. I said yes, thinking I was getting up shortly and then I'd change it to the Today show while I had my coffee. But I ended up getting out of bed by 8:30 and he was playing it until after 9. I finally put my foot down and changed the channel so I could tape a few movies. We just had DirectTV hooked up yesterday and I'm really loving all the extra channels. But it also makes me feel more like loser. Accomplishing nothing. But I've learned how to manage a DVR (never had one before) and I'm trying to record a few movies I've SO been wanting to see, but haven't made the time/effort to do yet.
As I type, T plays on. And it's not even raining today. Poor kid. He needs a buddy to play with and I'm falling down on the job. To be honest, T is really happy playing the Wii games as long as I root for him and watch from time to time. I wish there was another kid he could play with, but I really doubt I will foster or adopt another child. I can't load my parents up with another responsibility, and I don't have the funds either. Guilt. Either way.
I have a headache.
I need to mobilize myself. I have to buy an external hard drive so I can copy all my pictures that are stored in my home computer and then I can scrap this old one (circa 2001 or so) and get a new one. I pay for "high speed" Internet service but it's almost as slow as dial up because my computer is old and full. At least that's what I think. Plus I can't ever turn it off because chances are pretty good that I won't be able to turn in on again. It's busted inside and my computer guru-friend says it's time to move on. But for now it works well enough. A few days ago I though I was a goner. The PG&E guy came over to install a new "SmartMeter" while I was at work and, interrupting my my electric service for the few minutes he needed to, my computer was dead-as-a-doornail. CRAAAAAAP.
I think I tried to turn it on about 250 times. And then, for some unknown reason, it actually turned over and stayed on!! All was not lost. (Actually I have 99% of my pictures on an Internet picture site, so I can access them from there. But still. I wanted to copy them and have them to myself.
I don't like getting dressed lately. I don't like what I see when I'm undressed. It's all changing. I'm not overweight. But, I have been there. In my early 20's I used to weigh about 170 pounds. I say "about" because at some point I refused to stand on a scale or have my picture taken to document my misery. I did once make a drawing of myself, pointing out all the areas I hated. It was my way of motivating myself to lose the excess baggage. Somehow, little by little, I did it. These days, I'm about 10 pounds up from my lightest adult weight. (The lightest weight was due to a post break-up depression, and doesn't really count because I will never get down to that weight again, nor should I.). I just need to shape up! It's all going the way of gravity. Down. Plus I'm getting these weird pains. I've had a strange hip pain that is so severe it stops me from walking. Then it switches to the other side with no residual pain in the first side. It can go on for months in different modes of severity and then be GONE. As if it was never there. I had this pain 3 years ago, but after one year of procrastination I went to an acupuncturist and after 3 treatments the pain vanished. It stayed gone for 1.5 years until last February. When it wouldn't leave me after a month, I had referral put in to the acupuncturist again. My favorite acupuncturist moved an hour north from here (bummer!) so I asked for someone that had the same kind of style that Phillip had. Yesterday I met her. Her name is Lisa. Actually it's a hard-to-pronounce Chinese name, but she goes by Lisa. She was amazing. I really enjoyed my time with her and she came up with good explanations and a plan that sounds like it might work.
I will see her every Monday for a month and then we will re-evaluate to see if this treatment is working or not.
What was clear was that my posture needs work. I hunch too much. And my stomach is weak making it difficult to support good, even weight distribution. I've heard this before. But who likes sit ups? I'm working myself up to doing something really different. I want to have a strong body that I'm proud of. One I don't mind dressing in the morning. Clearly it's going to take some concerted effort on my part. Strong, muscular bodies don't happen by accident. Unless your day job requires you to lift heavy objects and incidentally get aerobic exercise in the mix.
I stumbled on an infomercial a few days ago. In just 60 short days, you too can have a body like the ones they sport. Just by following along with these fun filled DVDs. And 3 payments of $39. AND lots of sweating in front of your TV in the comfort of your own home.
Well, that just suits me fine. Being a single parent, I can't leave the house without someone else here to watch T. The only hours I can find to spend exercising that wouldn't induce more guilt is before the day gets going--6-7AM would be ideal. Not too early, as long as I make myself get to bed by 10 or so. Maybe with this new DVR, I'll be able to watch my favorite shows earlier (without commercials!) and get to bed sooner. My problem is that I have let T become addicted to the same shows I like and so we watch them together. And then he gets to bed well after 9PM, there is no time to read together (which I think is horrible, creating more guilt) and there is no "me" time at the end of the day--prompting me to stay up too late vegetating in front of the TV.
Will I do it? Can I find the energy everyday to wake up and do a workout all by myself? (I've tried to find someone in my neighborhood to commit to doing it with me but I've found no takers.) I don't know. I'm trying to talk myself into it. It has lots of up sides, and the only down side is my own potential to slack off. I won't pay to join a gym. Even if I did join a gym, with all the sports obligations T has during the week and weekends, I couldn't go after work and the only available time is too crazy to make him wake up at 5:30AM so he can sit in some day care (I bet they don't even offer it at that time because that would be just cruel.) and wait for me to be done sweating. See? Working out at home is the best option. And the cheapest too. It's a good idea. I just have to pump myself up, ramp the energy and motivate myself to stick with it.
And the backyard is still a mud pit. That's got me down too. I don't like clutter and the ugly, disorganized way my yard sits in is weighing on me. I just had the equity line of credit approved so now it's just about finalizing the plans and getting the right contractor. It's moving at a snails pace. Dad is helping with the written drawings, but I'm not sure about the materials for the patio surfaces. So it can't move forward until I make up my mind. I did a drive through the next neighborhood and found a home that had used a mix of brick and stamped concrete--very close to what I had envisioned. It looked good. The pattern of brick wasn't the same as I'd planned, but I might revised that part. Because this guy's yard looked really nice.
We'll see how it morphs.
Well, I better get going and find a direction to move. I've been at this computer too long and T has played much too much Wii for one day.


Laraf123 said...

I have days like this too. I was thinking the same thing--really need to commit to exercise routine and no way do I have time. My evenings are VERY much like yours...actually makes me feel better--not the only one!

Demeter said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can, and at some point, when you are truly committed to exercising, you will stop debating and start doing it. But you will succeed doing it. Good luck! Don't worry too much about T playing with the Wii a lot. He increases other skills that are also good for him.


I agree about the Wii. Although it seems terrible to let our kids be in front of a tv for hours, they really are developing other skills. And, at least he's moving around!

Low motivation days are tough! You never struck me as someone with bad posture...Anyway, I hope the acupuncture does the trick. And, you look wonderful! Don't think anything else!

Sorry Mark is turning out to be such a disappointment. There will be plenty more who come along who WILL get you more excited!

I wish you lived closer so the boys could play together more often. I have the same problem with E not having a lot of kids his age in the neighborhood. There is one girl who lives behind us who is just a few months older than E (and consequently a grade ahead), but she is doing more girl things now. Once in awhile they'll play together, but it's only when she can't find other girls in the neighborhood to play with. And we are not getting along as well with the girls next door anymore. Not since the older one started bullying E, then the pool went in...When I put the trees up between our properties, I guess I sent a strong message. Oh well.

I hope today is better for you! Hang in there. You are a BEAUTIFUL smart woman and a WONDERFUL mom! hugs.