Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ups And Downs

The up news:
My brother is moving out!! Yay! He found himself a new place all by himself too. He's not a computer person but I showed him how to find Craig's List and he busily got to work. I mean, he didn't even have "clicking" skills and now he's navigating around all by himself. Good for him! He was impressed with all the rooms for rent in his price range. He found a nice neighborhood back in our home town (where he wanted to be) and will be learning to live with 3 strangers (3 men) in a two story home. They accepted him after the first meeting and apparently weren't phased with the lack of work history. I doubt they did a credit check either. He just flashed the $400 dollars deposit and that was all they needed from him. Hurray for sloppy leasers! This is the first time he will be living with someone that isn't family or an old friend. I hope he finds it a learning experience and I really hope he finds a J O B. Likely that won't happen until they stop giving him extensions on his unemployment checks (been over 2 years now!). Not that I'm against getting hand outs that long when you really NEED it, but a LEAST make an effort in trying to find work. Well, I won't jump on that soap box now. I'm just happy that I will, once again, have my extra bed room available and that I can stop fretfully "shushing" my son every single morning as he speaks in his louder-than-most voice (and he's a talker--which I love, most of the time) so that someone can sleep in as long as they'd like and do nothing with their day. Bitter some? Not really. Just frustrated!!!! It's such a wasted life.
Until last night I thought he'd like living somewhere else since he seemed genuinely unhappy most of the time, scowled at my son at seemingly every turn, and walked around like the world owed him something. But no. I was wrong. While speaking with my mom last week (she was sworn to secrecy but that never applies to us, lol), he mocked me "She needs her own space." in that whiny kind of voice that goes along with mocking.
Well, I think he's being ridiculous. I get to chose how to live my life in my own house and I refuse to live with a sour puss any longer. But the most pressing and important factor: he's a lousy role model for my son. And I could go on but I won't. It's not worth our time. I've decided not to tell him exactly why he needs to move and all that bugs me because I'm afraid it would just cause a big rift between us and stuff like that doesn't generally get forgotten/forgiven between adults. (OK, and I'm not good with confrontation, I confess.) We should really learn from children on getting past disagreements. I have a lot to learn too. (Hence, the neighbor across the street issue.)
On the down side:
Mark flaked again. OMG. That makes 4 times in a short row. Well, the first time we sort of cancelled on each other equally, but the next 3 times it was all him. As I wrote before, he phoned last week and then he said he would like to visit on Thursday or Friday. He still hasn't phoned. No email message. Nothing. It's so disappointing. I had such hopes since our phone conversations flow so easily. And now I'm in the same position: can't/won't call him but still sorta want to meet with him to see how a face to face meeting goes. Honestly, I really don't need friends I can't trust to do what that said they would do.
I'm just....disappointed.
And back to square one.
One advantage: something has changed within me and I think I now have more courage to try and stir up something (well, it waxes and wanes day to day) with interesting men that I happen to notice around me. Hopefully some of them are unattached and emotionally in the same place I am.
In the mean time, T still keeps picking up every dandelion seed head that he sees in his path (there are tons this time of year), blowing on it to disperse every last seed, while wishing out loud, "I wish I had a baby." He's gotten a few completely naked down to the stem and quickly checks in with me that maybe NOW he'll get his wish.....
Sweet boy.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Well, I was a big chicken.
I decided to really think about my feelings on whether or not to continue to date PetSmart man. After a few days and then a few more days, I had decided I had no interest in seeing him again. Now how to tell him? But actually, since he had not written after that first note the day after our last date, I decided that I would just not write. Let it drop and die on its own.
And so far, so good. Maybe it was a mutual thing. I hope so. I hate to hurt any feelings.
So, moving on!
Mark phoned a few days ago and I didn't let him off the hook. I reminded him that he has now cancelled on me 3 times and he's skating on thin ice. He seemed fully aware of his bad behaviour and apologized a few times. He said it's not like him to be so flaky (his word choice) and I told him I didn't remember him being that way either, but when it walks and talks like a duck....ya know?
We talked for about an hour and it was really easy chatting with him. Something very familiar and comfortable about our conversations together. He said he'd like to visit Thursday or Friday and would call to confirm with me for day and time. But it's Thursday afternoon and still no phone call. Hmmmmmm.
I made plans with my parents this evening for dinner and tomorrow I have plans with another "401 mom" (that's what we call us moms that conceived with the same donor) and her daughter for dinner. They are in town until Saturday and I'm excited to get to know them a little more. We've met twice before, but I take it as a good sign that she wants to spend more time with us, the more she gets to know us. Her daughter and my son play very nicely together, although they really don't understand the genetic connection they have. But one day they will.
This Saturday, as with the past two Saturdays, T will go to another ballet dance class. I chaperoned my first field trip with T's class and we went to the local ballet company to see the behind the scenes and watch the dancers. The kids also received a small instructional session and anyone who wants to could attend free classes for the next 3 months. Cool! T loved it and had chosen to go to ballet classes instead of Tae Kwon Do. So far, no one has given him the idea that ballet might be just for girls. And I love watching him in his little white ballet shoes. I don't know if we will continue beyond this semester's free classes, but it's great to expose him to this kind of dance and see if he wants to further his dance career in the future.
Speaking of Tae Kwon Do.....
T successfully tested for his "yellow senior" belt. The testing sessions come every 3 months, but for the past 6 months he has been unable to perform all the tasks to move to the next color belt. Finally! He made it and he (and all of us too!) were so excited for him to show the class and masters that he knew all his stuff!
He says he wants to get his black belt some day....we'll see. I thought he would want to stop soon, but earning his new belt has motivated him to do better.
Yay. Except I really wanted to stop paying the $84 a month. Oh well, at least the sparkle in his eye has returned with going to practice 4 days a week.
And speaking for 4 times a week....baseball continues. And T LOVES it. He's pretty good at most positions and I love watching him play. With the weather improving lately it's much more fun sitting on the sidelines and rooting for his team while soaking in a beautiful day. Sorry no recent pictures. It's the old computer. Can't upload much until I get a new machine. It's on my list.
Well, gotta go now. We're having home made pea soup! Yum. My mother can't make a bad dish. The deal is, when she cooks, she cooks for an army. We had pea soup last night and probable will have it twice more this week before it's gone. Good thing it's yummy.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Date Report

Well, yesterday PetSmart man showed up at my work right on time. He phoned me on the cell phone that he was in the parking lot and not sure which building was mine. I said I'd walk outside and find him. So, the office staff didn't get to ogle him on the way in. Oh well. Most had left to get their own lunches anyway.
He remains seated and I get in the passenger side. So far so good. We decide to drive over (it's close enough to walk over) and then order and find a nice table. The ambiance at Erik's DeliCafe is nice. Sort of rustic and cozy.
He was bumping up against my arm/elbow while standing in line to order. I kind of liked that.
As usual, he was all smiles. I asked about how his work weekend in Colorado went. I tried to follow along, but it's all engineer -ese and computer stuff. I can't follow for too long. He says he likes to complete a task as fast as he can. Sort of like a challenge for him each time he takes something on. I'm getting that he is quite competitive. So am I.
He brought up Tae Kwon Do fighting. My son has been taking it for almost a year and has had the same color belt for the past 9 months. He's almost there with his form but can't quite master it perfectly. He offered to teach him but I was thinking that I wasn't ready for him to meet my son or come to my home. He went on about how he was taught in Germany. There was an emphasis on high kicks. Especially to the face.
Uh, well. The masters at our gym don't teach their pupils that style. I think it's more like points for kicking to the body and making good blocks. But he was insisting that that was the cool thing about Tae Kwon Do-"I kick hard to de chest and den BAM! I kick zem in de face! Den it's over. I kick der ASSSSSES."
Yikes. I was not getting a warm fuzzy feeling. In fact I wasn't feeling anything. I started having a conversation in my head as I was sitting there. I was running out of things I wanted to talk about. I felt nothing. I wanted to get up and go back to work. But I had to get back in his car before getting to my office. Drat.
He asked me how I would say in Dutch, "Kiss me, please." I told him and then asked the same of him in German. And he just smiled at me across the table. Had I actually FELT something I probably would have leaned across the table and kissed him. But there was nothing. I was sorting of simmering a small panicky feeling within myself that there was something dead inside of me that no longer worked. How come I felt NOTHING?
The hour was up and we stood up to leave.
He wrapped his arm around mine and we walked to the car together. Then, once in the car, he started kissing me. And then KISSING me. And I followed his lead. But I felt like a cold fish. I had nothing.
He said he would call me later.
I have no idea what the problem with me is. He's a very nice man. (Although the kick-his-ass attitude didn't sit well.) He's good looking, has an accent that I like to listen to, athletic, smart, he listens to me and responds to what I say, and seems to be emotionally available. He even has a job. What else is there?
I'm missing that elusive "chemistry" thing. I'm not sure how to turn that on. He seems to have it for me, unless he's faking it too.
I just can't fathom going any further--physically. I don't WANT him.
Maybe something died with menopause. I feel hormoneLESS.
(I have admit that yesterday was a horrible day for allergies and I took benedryl and it really knocked me over with side effects. But at least the snot stopped.)
The last guy I really WANTED was back in 2001. That relationship never went anywhere--he was fresh out of divorce #2 and a bit skittish about starting up a new relationship.
Heavy, heavy sigh.
What do I do?
Do I go on another date (assuming maybe it was the benedryl blahs that did me in)?
Or is this a sign that it just isn't right with this guy? I don't want to throw him away when there might be a chance for something nice to develop.
I wish this stuff was easier. Sheesh.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Can you say F L A K E ?

Well, the "date" on Sunday didn't happen. He never phoned the day before (as he said he'd do). In fact, he didn't reconfirm the last time he was supposed to come over (His idea--which I thought was a nice and thoughtful move) and then cancelled the day of the planned meeting. I'm starting to learn that maybe what Mark says he'll do isn't what Mark will really do. Not how I remember him being....
I phoned him yesterday (the day we were supposed to see each other) and left him a message. He called me right back (apparently I had awakened him) and apologized for not calling (as he said he would!). He has been sick with a cold--or something that has sapped him completely. What is it with men and getting sick? They turn into such babies. That's not fair. I'm sure I'm stereotyping. But I've heard from more than one source that more than one man becomes a child once sick. He said he'd been sleeping all day and was starting to feel much better. He wanted to put off visiting until he's healthy again--to spare getting me or my son sick too.
So, we'll see. I'm not phoning anymore. The ball is in his court.

PetSmart guy, though, has not yet dropped the ball. He couldn't make our planned for lunch date last Thursday. He phoned 2 hours before lunch and explained that he needed to drop off his car at the mechanic and was then told it would be 4 hours of work before he would get his car back. So lunch was now off--or rather postponed. He emailed if we could change the lunch date to next week. Sure, I said. We made plans for next Tuesday (tomorrow). I told him we could meet at Erik's DeliCafe or at my office. He said he was fine with either, but would like to be a gentleman and pick me up from my office, if I was OK with that. Well, suddenly that sounded quite nice, so I wrote, "I'd love that. Yes, please. Pick me up at work."
Now all my office mates are so excited to see what he looks like. (I tell them most everything about my dates so they can live vicariously.) He will get the eye from every direction when he steps in the waiting room. :)
I received another email from him today, asking if we were still on for tomorrow. He says he "can't wait" to see me.
I'm kind of excited to see him too. I still can't quite envision how he will fit into my life, but I think that's a bit too much to work out just yet. I'll take it one date at a time.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Second Date

And a second cup of coffee.
It was hastily arranged to meet at the same coffee house at lunch time today.
We had written emails on potential times to meet over the weekend, but I was dragging my feet on any particular time. Partly because I really was quite busy and it would have been a hassle to find a babysitter for the small amount of time I could spend (Mom would have stepped up but she had just spent Thursday and Friday evening over and Dad starts to grumble when it's too many days in a row spent away.). But the biggest reason was I just wasn't too "in a hurry" to see him. I wanted to but some brakes on. It seemed the more time passed since the first date, the better things felt for me towards him. When ever he sent an email though it was clear he wanted very much to see me again. Soon.

So today I met him again. We ordered our coffees and sat down on ottomans with a small table between us. Again, he body language reaffirmed he was happy to be with me. He even said a few times that he wished he could get closer to me. That was my cue to address the speed of this whole thing. I told him that I had felt like things were rolling along too quickly. That I needed to get to know him to feel more comfortable with things. He smiled (actually he never stops smiling) and said, "We can't go back. It's too late." I think he was quite happy with that. But I think I made it pretty clear that I wanted to slow it down.
He tried to explain to me how it was in Munich and the space between people and what was considered "normal" space between people is much smaller than what Americans think. I think I've come to understand that he feels reassured when he is rubbing elbows with someone. And I'm thinking, "Hey, did I say it was OK to enter my 18" of personal space?"
He also looked different in daylight (as I'm SURE I did too). His teeth need some brightening and I saw evidence of European dentistry. Duh. Of course. They're just old crowns, with a couple gold ones in the back. I am such a nit picker! Teeth are one of those things I pay attention to. Perhaps because I live in California--but I almost expect that if you had the time and money, you'd make sure your smile was bright (not NEON white but certainly not yellow). His teeth were a bit yellowed. The normal yellowing that happens as we all age--if we were all coffee drinkers. Unfortunately, with all the whitening materials out there, that "normal" is not as normal as it used to be.
I know. I'm a bitch. Uh, witch. I mean, unreasonable.
Anyway, it all went well, once again. I asked more questions about his kids and he was happy to talk about them and the time he spends with them. He says he's strict with them and thinks it's important that they know good manners and eat with knife and fork--no slouching at the dinner table and no hands in your lap while eating. That kind of "strict" OK with me--I teach my son to do the same thing. He did say he "kicked" his 13 year old when he gets out of hand. Made some sort of joke that he took many years of Tae Kwon Do and he's a better kicker than his son is. I'm not sure what to make of that. I'll reserve judgment until I know more. We also talked about scuba diving and the changes in equipement over the last few decades, and other unimportant topics.
Then it was time to go.
He asked if he could walk me to my car and once there he asked me when he could see me again--some time this week. He leaves for Colorado for work on Friday for 3 days. So we made soft plans for lunch time on Thursday. He will call/write me and pick me up from my work--or meet at an agreed place. My hair kept falling in front of my eyes with the wind. (I've been trying to grow it out--and the bangs are just at the point where they are so annoying!). When he brushed them to the side of my face, it felt nice. Like he was being appropriately affectionate. I liked that part. Then he kissed me--just a little peck. And then one more.
And that was it.
I think he got the message that I want it slower. And he seems ready to oblige.
With that, there's potential for a couple more dates.

I still want to go out with Mark though. He called last night and left a message, but we still have yet to make a date to meet.

When it rains, it pours. Even after such a long and dry drought!