Friday, September 11, 2009

Love, and raking up embers

I've been reading blogs and taking the time to read long ago published posts. It's fun to get to know my new friends; to find common ground and learn what makes them different from anyone else. I like my new friends. And some don't even know I exist (at least I think so...).
Some of my friends have had the most beautiful things happen to them. There has been sadness and even some tragic news, but I'm finding myself more attracted to the stories on the miracle of love lately. There have been more than a few of these stories in the past weeks. I'm SO happy to hear about it. I drink it in. I need it too. I surely do. I'm ready for it to be now.
Love. It's like a drug, isn't it? I'm so happy to read that it really happens to folks doing the same sort of thing that I do. Regular women. Strong women. Smart women. I think I'm slowly beginning to accept that the only male I might love is the six year old that calls me Mama. And I'm not knocking that, but you know what I mean....
I didn't realize why at the time, but a few months ago I started trolling the search box on Faceb**k for friends from long ago. It's fun to connect with old friends. But more and more I was looking for ex-boyfriends, male friends from the old neighborhood, anyone that I might have been attracted to before. I know, it's like recycling. But I knew them once and there's a sense of shared history, making it more comfortable from the start. Most, curiously, are not on FB. And they don't come up on a G0Ogle search either. I guess I fell for guys that were mostly not computer fans. I've found one--but he hasn't "friended" me yet. Maybe he senses what my motives might be. This is the first time I've tried to contact him in over 20 years. I had heard he married, and has kids (I can clearly see them in his posted FB pic) but marriages often break up--one never knows. Or rather, hope never dies...Depending on your perspective. He lives in another state, so he's not even geographically desirable, but I'm just looking for a little excitement. Some emailing, sharing of stories and highlights of the last 20 or so years. But nothing. I can't find any embers to rake!
I wonder if the next 10 years will be just like the last, romantically. A big fat ZERO. Oh, except for that guy that I dated a few times, after reconnecting at the high school reunion. I was SO ready for love, it surprised me how quickly I fell for him (since I'd known him since the 3rd grade!), but he was just getting out of marriage #2 and his heart needed more time to heal. I knew all this, but he seemed ready ('cause that's what I wanted) since it was HE that came to me. Rebound stuff, I guess. And that event happened EIGHT years ago. I'm sure his heart is all better now, but I still haven't heard a word. I know roughly where to find him (thanks to the update in address information at the last reunion), but I can't go to his home and make up some story about how I was just in the neighborhood. If he wanted me, he knows how to find me. I've lived at the same place for the last 14 years and I'm totally G00glable. *sigh*

So, I'm putting it out there to the Internet and the Universe:
I want to fall in love.


For the Long Haul said...

Uhg. I SO hear you. Love is a bitch, ain't it? And yet it is so easy to love these little people we take care of...sigh...

cmay said...

Oh yes. That fall-in-love feeling you get with a newborn--something indescribable.
And as painful as love with a partner is at times, we all still long for it. Sort of forgetting about the pain, and searching for the punch-drunk, cloud-nine feeling where everything is rosy and full of promise. Heavy sigh.