Monday, March 9, 2009

Doubts

Last night I watched my latest DVD rental: The Pursuit of Happyness. It was a great movie and I especially loved that it was inspired by a true story. Plus I love pretty much anything Will Sm*ith does. But after the movie, as I was laying awake in bed I kept thinking about parenthood--and the way I came to it. It wasn't my plan to be a single mom. But it wasn't acceptable to me, having not been lucky enough to find my lifetime partner, to also throw away my chances of experiencing a pregnancy and being a mom. Add to that the almost insurmountable infertility diagnosis that I was hit with--there was no time to lose! I had to act immediately to have a glimmer of hope of conceiving. There was no time to find a guy, date, get engaged, marry, and then try to make a baby. At the time, it was an easy decision: try like heck to conceive--using donor sperm. I tried to go with a known donor, but it was a difficult question to ask. And each time I got a "I wish I could, but I just can't" answer. A sperm bank was part of my solution and the infertility group at my work was very helpful in guiding me (as well as the chosen sperm bank--in finding the right donor for me).

After many, many, many attempts, I was finally successful with IVF. ( I tried once again with left over frozen embryos but it was unsuccessful.) And now I have a healthy, beautiful, intelligent, thriving 5 year old boy. But after the movie, doubts set in and I thought: Am I doing it right? Am I doing all that I can for my son? What else can I do to make sure he has all he needs? What can I do to make sure I am the best mom I can be for him? And on and on....

There are days that I'm truly embarrassed by my reaction to some of the stuff T does. I get too loud--and clearly, ineffective in my attempts to discipline T so that he actually learns and gets better in the behavior department. I'm definitely getting better but it's totally a work in progress. I have to admit, I learned a lot of techniques from the TV show "Supe*r Nanny". Her techniques really work--as long as you are consistent. I hope that just by being aware of the fact that I'm not a perfect parent will help me to be better as we go along. There's always room for improvement, but time passes SO quickly. I hope I learn the right things in being the best-parent-I-can-be parent before T is all grown! Today, his school pants were almost too short!! He's growing TOO FAST!

Saturday, we had opening ceremonies for T-ball. I felt like I was doing the right thing by having T learn to play baseball and also learning to play with a team and take instructions from a coach. At least it's something that helps me feel like I'm doing the right thing. And then, public school or private?? (He's in public school now, but I'm re-evaluating that decision all the time.)

Here are some pictures of the Opening Ceremony:






The pictures are a little blurry--something's wrong with my camera. Gotta have a check up!


I gotta remember that I actually do own a home, have a job, can pay for power/heating, groceries, toys, cable TV, and almost anything I really want. Those are challenges many other families have that I don't have to deal with. I am so lucky that way!

No one is born an excellent parent. And it really is the hardest, most important job anyone could have. I will keep trying to find ways to be better for T. I think that's the best that I can do. Right?

3 comments:

T.Allen-Mercado said...

I had my first child at 18; plagued by self-doubt and determined to be good at something that few teenage mothers are believed to be good at, I read all of the books and made a project out of it. Motherhood; A Social Experiment. Then one day I realized that motherhood isn't a role but a way of life-it is who I am, "mom", and like everything else that I do day after day, I will get better through trial and error. Now I have two children and I'm still practicing, only I'm better and I've even developed a few tried and true techniques. At the end of the day only love is perfect-and i've got lots of that to give. Oh, and icing and sprinkles too...just put them on everything you think you've messed up!

Congrats on T-Ball and I thoroughly enjoyed my first visit here.

cmay said...

Wow. Thank you for your support and Mom-wisdom! Love is perfect. I like that.

Demeter said...

I was so surprised to read about how you decided to become a mother. A very similar story to mine, even with the fertility problems you faced. I commend you for your courage to become a mom and for trying hard to be the best you can. The longer you are a mom, the more comfortable you will become in your role, but like anything, experience makes perfection! T is an adorable boy! Congratulations!