The Crooked Path

Silence

2010-11-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

I know.
I've been lost. Well, not lost.
Still.
Silent. Here in bloggy world.

For the past couple months I've just found it easier to check in to FB and read, with occasional comments than to post on my blog. I don't have a lap top. I don't use my cell phone for anythingmore than phoning, but I am getting entering the world of texting. Finally.
But still, when I find the words to type, I'm not near my computer. Or I just don't have the energy to do it at the same time that the creative juices flow.

I am doing fine. Just wanted to let the 5 people that check here know. I'll get back as soon. That's my intention.
I'm thinking of you and will continue visit with your blogs and throw comments out in support.

From the Mountains, to the Valleys and Back Home

2010-08-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Back and skating right along.
The camping trip was lovely. It was a bummer than my mom couldn't come due to her illness, but I kept in contact on the cell phone every couple days and she was feeling so much better after a few days of rest. In fact, she said she had a burst of energy once the house was empty and started cleaning like a mad woman. Good for her. It helps her feel better to make her home clean and the quiet time without my dad aggravating her about what time she needs to wake up, or any other little thing that gets to her...well, let's say it was a peaceful and productive week of rest for her.
The weather was great but I would have voted for a little more heat. The nights were really cold but the sleeping bags were toasty most of the time. I just kept an extra blanket nearby, just in case. And wore my socks to bed. Aww, we're tent campers. It's all good. Actually it was just T and I (with the dog) in our tent. Dad slept in the VW Vanagon.
Suzy did excellent as a camping dog. I brought the crate and she slept in that without a peep. There were a few nights where the raccoons were nosing around the campsite, but Suzy was nice and quiet. Of course, she was tethered 100% of the time. It's the rule for dogs anyway, but especially needed for my run-away opportunist. After just one day, she was the color of mud, and happy to be there. Dirt don't hurt and she rolled in the fine, dusty dirt all day. Oh well. You just have to get used to it or it will drive you crazy. Thank goodness for the nearby lake. That's where most of the dirt comes off of us--as we swim to the far buoys and back. No showers up there and no hot water either. Well, that's not totally true. You can take a shower near the General Store, but you need to have your quarters ready. The showers are pretty dilapidated and run down, but if you can look past all that, you'll feel nice and clean and your hair will smell good for a couple of days for your efforts. Me, I decided to save my quarters, put my hair in a pony tail, and just put up with the dirt until we got back home. The layers of dirt and sunscreen add to the depth of a golden tan, so there's that added bonus. I hiked around the lake (about a 5 mile moderate hike) trying to catch up to my son and some others that took off about an hour before me. Suzy didn't know what the heck I was trying to do but she kept up nicely as long as she could. I was trekking at a fast-ish pace in order to find my son, but I never did run into them. By the time I was about 3/4 done, I went to trudge on but then there was a 9 pound weight dragging at the end of the leash. Suzy was done, in no uncertain terms. She was laid out with all four legs pointing in different directions and her big brown eyes looking up at me. I tried to coax her, but it was no good. She was pooped. So I scooped her up and walked with her in my arms for a little while. She perked up pretty quickly and made it the rest of the way without any trouble. It was frustrating though, that I never found the group I was looking for. Apparently they had taken a lunch break and went towards the inlet river to swim in some pools of water.
I wanted to hike with T all around the lake (since he had only done the hike 1/2 way there and walked the same side of the lake back) so 2 days later, when my sister and her husband and son came up for the weekend, we all set off together. And Suzy too. T wasn't as fast a hiker as I thought he'd be. I mean, normally he's got so much energy, but he just kept whining about how tired he was and slow poking along. What?? You're 7! And you have tons of energy! Now get up there and catch up with your cousin (he's 9 years old)! It wasn't a lot of fun nagging him to get going and keep up. But after we stopped for a bit to explore some of the river and boulders, he was able to do better and hung out mostly with he cousin and uncle. Weirdly, Suzy conked out at the same place she did 2 days before. I guess we know where her limits are for hiking. Still, I was quite proud of her and T too.
I wondered why the heck he didn't have the energy to buzz around like he usually does.
And then days later I realized: his asthma. He was wheezing most mornings and evenings, so I had him use his inhalers mostly twice a day. But since he doesn't ever complain about being out of breath, I didn't put that piece of the puzzle together until later. The dust from the dirt, plus the daily campfires are probably what led to the trouble. And maybe an allergy to some sort of pollen up in the mountain. I was like that with asthma and allergies up at Pinecrest as a kid. Since we've been back he hasn't been nearly as wheezy and coughing.
Overall, T had an EXCELLENT time playing with the other kids, exploring the forest and playing games (lots of bicycling around and playing badminton).
T and the other kids earned a Junior Forest Rangers rank, by attending some fun nature presentations, doing a nature hike (and collecting cool things to make a collage), and doing a rubbing of some leaves to make some really cool pictures. They got a gold pin and a very official certificate too. We all learned about water conservation too and sang songs about evaporation, condensation, precipitation, and conservation!
This year T did the clay project again too. Last year he made a really neat raccoon. This year the project was a deer. T made his an adult male deer so he could put in little antlers later (with some manzanita bush twigs). After he created it and painted it, they ladies took it and will fire it in their oven in town. Then they'll send it in the US Post. It's a really cool reminder of that day--about 2 weeks after getting back to the routine of regular life. Some of the deer looked more like giraffes with their long necks, and some were posed taking a nice long drink from an imagined lake (not sure they intended it that way!) but T's is standing tall, with big ears and a handsome tail too. It was hard to let him do it by himself. I kept wanting to help him and give him pointers but he kept swatting me away like the irritating gnat that I was. I forced myself to sit on my hands and keep quiet while he worked his artistry. It will be fun to see how the deer turned out and I'll be proud, no matter what.
In the outside amphitheatre we went to see "Despicable Me". They play movies 4 days a week. It's a fun thing to go to the movies under the stars--but it does get cold sitting on that hard bench in the dark for 2+ hours. T had a great time and LOVED the movie (and me too). Well, OK, there was a little whining about not getting popcorn to eat, but I wasn't willing to stand in that line and pay $6 for a bag. Call me cheap. Coincidentally we bought the Nintendo DS game with the same name for some new entertainment for T on the ride up to Pinecrest. Now the characters have more dimension and meaning after seeing the movie. At least to me. I don't know if T really cares. He just likes to play a good game!
At the end of 8 days, we were ready to come back home. Suddenly T seems so much bigger and more filled out. Must be that mountain air!
T was sad to leave but excited to start 2nd grade!
Yay!

Boo. Time is passing too quickly.

Camping

2010-08-06T09:35:00.001-07:00

Well, it's crunch time to try and get everything packed for camping. I've arranged for a neighbor to house sit so that's one thing off my mind.
This is our annual camping trip to our favorite place and T has been looking forward to it for the last few months. Another 401 family is coming too, so T will have plenty of kids to play with and he's really gotten into fishing and the lake has plenty-o-trout to be caught!
It's a little tough to find the time to get all the packing and shopping done since I've had to work every day this week due to extra days at work, but what's really made it much tougher is that my parents have been pretty sick with some mean virus. It's times like this that I realize how much I depend on them to do the stuff I would have to do, if I didn't have them in my life. Thank GOD for my parents. I will try harder to show appreciation more often for all they do for T and me. The nasty virus started with T and myself and when my parents got it, they had the worst of symptoms. My mom is usually the one who suffers most with any given illness. I have no idea why that happens since she's mostly a healthy person otherwise. She's still no where near in good enough shape to make the trip with us, which is killing her. It was only yesterday that she could fathom standing upright for more than a few minutes. She's coughing and moaning in pain and gets dizzy easily. The doctor said it's just something she has to ride out but gave her plenty of medication to help with the symptoms. It doesn't help much.
I certainly won't have as much fun there without her. I have a feeling she is planning to pull it together and drag herself into my car. She's a very stubborn woman. It will really surprise me if she lets us go without her. And if she does, I bet she'll drive herself up there in a few days. Or maybe not. She really is quite sick and there's not much worse than being really sick while camping--no amenities and no health care nearby. Plus, there's something about the altitude that makes it worse. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out this week.
Suzy will be coming with us. We have a nice tether that she will be on ALWAYS, the little escape artist! I think I'll also place our campsite info on her collar--just in case.
I haven't written about this before, because it really does need pictures from before and after to do the story properly, but I had my backyard done and it's 99% finished!! It's SO pretty. I still have some electrical stuff to do, once the lanterns arrive in the mail. Plus a shade sail to hoist and then, voila! I promise to give a full story/pictorial as soon as I can. Money is really tight now that I spent it all on the backyard, so I have to wait a bit longer for that new computer that will allow my pictures to be uploaded.
I hope this trip is all we've worked it up to be.
Should be lots of fun.

Her name is...

2010-07-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

Suzy! (our dog, that is.)
It was hard to come to a final decision. I wanted Ally (for the Alameda County Fair where we found her), or Elly, or Molly. Seems like a dog with brown eyes goes well with the name Molly. Besides, when I was growing up we had a dog named Suzy--she was a miniature poodle too, but all black. To me, "Suzy" should be a black poodle. But T was set with Suzy and he never wavered. I still think she looks like a Molly, but I wanted T to feel some ownership for our new dog, so I gave in. I bought a name tag for her with our contact information, so it's official.
And good thing about getting a name tag! She's an escape artist and does NOT COME WHEN I CALL HER. OMG. She innocently came close to me as I was carrying things out the front door and then, like a shot! She was on the run! She looked back briefly as I tried to catch her and she took off even faster!! Across a busy street full of fast moving cars and I could just SEE her go splat in front of me (but no cars at the moment she crossed, thank goodness!). The more I went after her, the more she ran. So I stopped and just crouched on the sidewalk, asking her to come to me. No luck. I felt so helpless.
Fortunately, the 15 year old kid across the street was out washing his mom's car and he ran after her when I did. He calmly positioned himself on the other side of her and when she paused to sniff something, he grabbed her.
Whew!! Almost had a dead dog, just one week after adopting her.
I was pissed. It was like I got kicked in the chest.
She actually looked at me and ran away faster! Away from me. The one that rescued her and loved her and paid money I didn't have to be sure she was well and comfortable, and belonged.
Suzy knew she was in trouble and gave me those puppy eyes all evening. I didn't show her any love. I couldn't. I was mad. I took it personally, stupid as that sounds.
But after a few hours, I got over it. She gave me the look that seemed to say, "I'm so sorry. Please cuddle me." How can a person deny such a cute little thing with such a request?
I have some serious training to do with her. And I'm sure she doesn't really understand where she belongs just yet. Who knows what her life was like last month? Or last year? It's weird not having any history on her other than knowing she was a stray that no one picked up at the shelter.
Last Tuesday, the little cough she had turned into a huge cough. It sounded like she wanted to bring up a fur ball, or maybe a lung. It was horrible. So I took her to the vet the next day (My birthday--birthday sucked. Let's just look forward to next year.) and spent 3 hours there getting her worked up and treated. They thought it was "Kennel Cough" that progressed a bit. More antibiotics of a different type and some more monitoring. She was fine after a few days of medication (we have to finish a full 14 days to be sure it's licked). And then came the bill: $300.
Sheesh! That's $650 so far for this newest family member. I wish I could add her to my health insurance plan! Hopefully we are over any effects of her living in a shelter and she'll stay healthy.
T is still over the moon with happiness with our doggie.
The cat...that's another matter.

News!

2010-07-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

Gilroy Gardens Horticultural Attractions

Last week I took vacation days to be with T (and give my parents a break). We didn't really go anywhere. I'd originally planned to spend 3 days in the Tahoe area at my friend's condo, but with T getting a nasty cough that turned into a bad asthma episode with sinusitis, I decided it was best to stick closer to home. He's doing much better now, but let me just say that the few days we took the prednisone tablets were challenging! The side effects of that drug are icky! He was so hyper and badly behaved! So much so, that I asked he be delayed for his Tae Kwon Do testing for his next belt so he might have a chance to show "self control" and think more clearly, 'cause self control--if there was ANY chance of that--was not going to be possible on testing day. Although T was pretty upset at not getting the chance to test with the others, he aced it the next week and now proudly wears his new green belt.
Wednesday we went with a school friend (a girl in his 1st grade class who also does Tae Kwon Do with T) to Gilroy Gardens. It was a beautiful amusement park, geared mostly to kids under the age of about 10. But the reason that Mr. Bonfante created it was to showcase his gardens and have a place for the 19 specially grafted Sycamore trees created by Axel Erlandson, a farmer and nature lover, in the 1920's. Erlandson took this grafting trick with him to his grave and his work has not been able to be replicated by anyone before or since. The trees were abandoned and nearly died but Michael Bonfante bought them and was able to transport them from Hilmar, California to Gilroy successfully.

The park was beautiful to walk through and small enough that you could easily see everything in an afternoon. Most of the rides were for small children and a few were more for kids T's age. He's afraid of roller coasters (that's my boy!) and wildly spinning rides, so he steered clear of that, but his favorite ride was "the Mushroom". It was a huge mushroom (most rides have a garden theme) with individual seats hanging from the edge of the mushroom cap. Then they lift the riders off the ground and go 'round and 'round. It even tilts giving a different sense of flying through the air. It's a common carnival type of ride. T loved it so much he got me to agree to ride it.
Mistake.
About 60 seconds into the ride, I wished it was over, and then I couldn't shake the nausea and headache that I got and was quietly miserable with it until late that evening. Ugg. I guess I'm just a sensitive kind of chick.
Overall, I was happy to see the park. It was on my to-do list for a few years but I don't think we'll be back. T will outgrow the rides shortly and for the money I'd rather go to Great America amusement/theme park (just 10 minutes drive away). That's on the list for next year.
But that's not the News.
We spent a few days at the community pool. That was fun. Mostly we played ball or Marco-Polo, but I was able to get T to practice his freestyle and backstroke and he actually wanted to do it. I'd tried to get him to practice before, but he would always do about 4 strokes and find something better to do. I think it was just a matter of giving tons of positive reinforcement on what he was doing right, instead of pointing out what he needed to change or work on (which is what I tended to do before). And why not? That method seems to work best for most people, doesn't it? :) Isn't there a song like that, "Accentuate the positive..."
Pretty soon he was doing his best to swim the whole 25 yard length and getting stronger and better with each effort. Yay.
That's not the real News either.
Last Saturday my mom, T and I went to the County Fair. I love going to the fair for all the fun to be had for kids. I tried to get another boy to go with us but we were unlucky in recruiting anyone. Bummer.
As soon as we arrived, we found the ticket booth for a wrist band pass for all the rides. One look at the selection and I knew I was not going to ride at all. They are all "throw-up inducing rides" and I'm not having any of that! But T was excited at all the prospects. Once inside the fair though he didn't seem like he could stomach the topsy turvy, brain slushing kind of rides either. It didn't help that it was at least 100 degrees on that black top surface. He rode the most benign ride he could find and checked out a maze/house of mirrors before he was done.
Great. I just spent $28 for 2 rides. Lesson learned.
Then we ducked into a big air-conditioned building to check out all the stuff for sale. LOTS of cool things to make life easier (new fangled iron board cover to make ironing a breeze. Yes, we bought one-- I need all the help I can get!), costume jewelry, comfy beds, super-duper pots and pans. Even a sale on teeth whitening--done right there on the premises with a glowing blue light and everything. Mom wanted to spend more time in there than T was ready to tolerate, so we decided to split up and meet later. T and I went towards the back of the fair grounds and found more rides. Some were the same as the entrance but all were displayed on a grassy ground which made the heat WAY more tolerable. Suddenly the rides looked more appealing and T was ready to try the "swing" ride and a few others too. His favorite was still that "mushroom" ride but he also went on the Giant Slide about 100 times! Just the stair case up to the top would be enough to slow me down after about 10 times. He was running on adrenaline, I think.

Along our travels discovering all there was to do and see (and before the Giant Slide), we came across a dog show. They were amazing with their tricks and abilities. As we watched, we noticed a tent off to the side with a whole bunch of dogs. We made our way there and T was immediately begging for a dog. "Pleeeez Mama, can we get a dog??? Please, please, pleeeeeez?" The display was to showcase dogs for adoption, rescued from the "E list" (euthanasia) from shelters in our state. There were some beautiful dogs too! I can't imagine there were no takers for these gorgeous, well behaved doggies! With the heat and all these strangers hands coming to touch and cuddle them from all directions, each one of the dogs were so calm and accepting of the attention. If I were one of those dogs I would have cowered in a far corner. Near a fan. They had fans and water misters going but still. It was miserably hot. Certainly oppressively hot if covered in fur.

Somehow I was able to continue walking past all the dogs, with T nearly dragging on my legs to say yes to a dog. Any dog.

But the second time we past by, with my mom in tow, we spotted a cutie in one of the rescue worker's lap. A little dog with curly white hair. I had to ask a bit about her. T was excited to see me pause with some interest. We asked to hold her but were immediately warned that they had just received her from a shelter the day before and to picture "the after" images rather than the way she was today. She did kind of smell and had a cough (common with shelter dogs) but nothing that put me off. I could totally see the way she'd clean up. She was A D O R A B L E.

I think I walked around with her and held her for about 45 minutes. Not sure what to do. T was cuddling her between rides. My mom was in love with the dog already. I couldn't come to a clear decision.

And then a woman walked up to us with her family and said, "There she is! We've come back to adopt her. We have another dog at home and she's going to be it's buddy." Then I see the rescue worker walking the grounds looking for me and the doggie.

Yikes.

Suddenly I felt a pain in my chest.

I wanted her.

But here was this lady who said she was here earlier and SHE wanted her too.

I spoke with the rescue lady and explained that we had an uncomfortable situation here with both of us wanting this dog. I kept holding her, figuring possession is 9/10th of the law. :)

As I spoke to the Rescue worker, she asked me about my family and my home and the other woman stood back about 20 feet. After a while the lady yelled over, "Are you going to take her or not?"

And I say "Yes." Oh Lord. I said it out loud. I'm going to be a dog owner.

She walked off in a huff.

I looked at the Rescue worker and I said, "I feel bad."

She quickly said, "Don't. I spoke with her earlier and I didn't get a sense she was the right owner for this dog. You seem like a much better match."

Really?? Well alright then.

So I filled out the paper work and the plan is they would bring her to their vet to be spayed and then I could take her home. Their headquarters are about an hour's drive from my home, so I'll pick her up on Saturday (work days and traffic make it near impossible to do it any earlier.

T was crushed that we couldn't take her home right away. But he was SOOO excited to finally have a dog for his very own. I wish I could post pictures in this post but, as you might remember, my computer is old and I might not be able to upload it. I'll try later. You really gotta see her cute little face.

It's a good thing we have a few days before we get her home. I have nothing for a dog, so we went shopping and got all the necessary stuff--crate, leash, collar, food, food/water bowls, comfy bed and some toys. Boy, oh, boy is my cat going to be surprised. :O

I'm pretty sure Hans (my cat) will balk at the newest member of our family, but I'm hoping after a few months they might be friends. Hans could use a buddy after all this time alone. At least I hope he thinks so. Eventually.

So THAT'S the News! We have a new dog!!! Now we get to name her.

T wants Bailey, but I'm voting for Ally (from the Alameda County Fair), or Elly (just sounds cute). We'll see. We're making a list.

Hard as it was, I was not ready for a dog just yet. Our backyard isn't ready and I'm not sure I can handle it on top of other responsibilities. But I also knew that I had planned for a dog at some point. I grew up with always having a dog and I think it's an important part of childhood. Plus it seems to really help T feel less alone as an only-child (judging on how he behaves and the pure joy he gushes when he plays with my parent's new puppy Lucy).

My boy is SEVEN!

2010-07-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

Seven. It seems SO much older than six. Six is so close to five. And when you're five, you're still in kindergarten and that's just one step from preschool. But seven. That's like...almost 10. Yikes. He's growing up too fast! And he's so tall that most people think he's older than he really is. I should have chosen a really short sperm donor so he could be small child for longer. Hee hee. Not really. I'm quite happy with the choice and how it's all turned out.
T's birthday was on June 17, which fell on a Thursday this year. His day always comes after the school year finishes so he never gets to do the cupcake or classroom celebrations that most of the other kids do. But this year he was in "Splash" camp at our local YMCA. The camp only lasted one week but by Thursday he was feeling pretty comfortable and had gotten to know most of this group, so when I showed up (zipped over there on my lunch break from work) with 36 cupcakes, he was the most popular kid there! He was so happy to see me and hand out the cupcakes. I even got hugs and kisses--right there in front of all the kids and camp leaders. I'm so glad he hasn't hit that phase where he's embarrassed to be seen with me yet, let alone give hugs or kisses. I'm sure it will come, so I relish these moments while there here.
He started his birthday with my waking him up with a Happy Birthday song and a piece of cake with a big ol' "7" candle burning on top. He wished out loud
"I wish that it could be my birthday everyday!"
Then he got to open my gift for him: a Nintendo DSi. He started playing with it right away, even though he'd never touched one before. This younger generation has no fear of electronic gadgets and he was quickly mastering a few games on the preloaded "Brain Age". (a Costco find. LOVE that Brain Age is educational!). I also bought an extra game but kept that gift for his birthday party (A Toy Story 3 game).
After Splash camp we went over to Oma and Opa's house and they presented him with his gift--a shiny RED Mongoose bike. Red is his favorite color and even though the bike is a tiny bit big for him, it won't be long before his legs are too long for it. Then we all went out for Round Table Pizza! It was a really nice birthday and T seemed to be enjoying all the events that focused on him.
Oh who are we kidding? 99% of any given day's events are focused on him. Oh well. That's what happens with only-kids. They get all the attention or become very good at demanding it. :)
Then on Saturday, we had a birthday party at the local bowling ally. I was very nervous about this one. I'd sent out my first evite invitations about 2 weeks before the event. But 3 days before the party, there was only ONE RSVP. I had invited 9 of his friends from school, plus both my sister's families. I didn't even bother with my brother--I didn't think he'd come (and true to expectations, he never called to wish T happy birthday or give any card/gift). One sister didn't want to come because she "didn't think it would be fun hanging out with a bunch of 7-year olds." Excuse me??? She is the mother of 3 kids (ages 18, 16 and 14) and I have gone to ALL birthday parties regardless of their ages, gift in hand and ready to party. To be fair, a few weeks before T's birthday, I flirted with the idea of having 2 parties (one for the family and one for T's friends) but as time went on I realized I had way too much on my plate (bodily pains, backyard project and lack of potential projected funds) to give 2 parties. She was going to opt for the "family party". But I didn't call her ahead of time to let her know there would only be one party. I called her several times to see if she'd change her mind. But no. She just kept insisting that I should really reconsider and have another party too for just family members. They didn't come.
At least my other sister, her husband and their son came. Even though they had plans to leave on a camping trip for the week. I asked her to come and that it would mean a lot. And she delayed her trip by one day to make T's party. I was very appreciative of that. Two days before the party I scrambled to find alternate email addresses to be sure that the boys I'd invited even GOT the invitation. Some had received them but not answered and others didn't check or had summer plans and couldn't make it. But in the end we had 8 kids bowling and 8 parents hanging out and cheering on the bowlers. They bowled with bumpers which is WAY more fun. It's kinda like billiards. You can use those bumpers to ricochet the ball this way and that and get more pins knocked down. They had a blast! T was high-fiving with his friends with whatever they scored and all the kids were supportive of one another. Even when one kid started crying because he had the lowest score and just couldn't get that ball to knock down very many pins. He is the most cerebral 7 year old you might come across. His vocabulary is way beyond the average kid and it frustrated him that he couldn't will the ball to do what he wanted. When he gave up and cried to his mom, the other boys in his lane asked if they could bowl for him. T got a few spares on his behalf (heck, he got to bowl more times!) and brought up his friend's score and then the tears dried up and he jumped right back in. I loved that they all rallied and helped each other, because most of the time, it's not like that. Boys are SO competitive. At least mine is. Maybe they are growing up. Or it was just an unusual and lovely moment. Either way, it made me feel really good.
Then we all had pizza and soda and T opened up his presents. Some of his gifts were a remote control car that climbs on walls and ceilings (wow!), a beach towel and ball, $20 gift card for Toys R Us (he bought Wii Ski game), a book on Constellations and a Science/Physics project (gotta still open it and figure that one out), and Wii Mario Galaxy II game. The bowling alley also gave him a real bowling pin and a permanent marker so each of his friends could sign it. It's like a really cool memento of the day and it looks great in his room.
Later that day, Oma, Opa, T and I all went to the movies to see Karate Kid. I really wanted to see Toy Story 3, but T was more excited about Karate Kid. It was a really good show and we all enjoyed it. We rarely go to the movies and dad usually falls asleep. But he stayed awake and the experience was so fun we made plans to do it again the next weekend to see the new Toy Story in 3D! Cool.
And now I have a seven year old son. Wow.

**Addendum: Saw the movie last Saturday and Story Story 3 in 3D is a super movie! And the 3D experience was not annoying or scary. We never felt the need to remove our glasses. But there was one scary part in the movie but T held it together has he held my hand and the toys escaped what appeared to be almost certain death. Whew.

Mother's Day Memories

2010-06-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

I had a FANTASTIC Mother's Day! I know it's way past, but it was note worthy and so I had to put down my memories so they're properly documented.

6:53: T wakes up, comes into my bed with me and covers me with kisses all over my face, hands and arms and wishes me Happy Mother's Day. Aww.
He could hardly wait to present me with the gifts he had ready.
He went into the back bedroom and brought out a card and a present all wrapped up, walking with the most adorable sense of proudness all over his face.
**History: my mother went out with T a few days earlier to help him prepare for Mother's Day. When at the card shop, standing in front of a gazillion cards, Mom instructed him to look for the card he wanted to get for me. He told her, quite matter of factly, "No, Oma. I'm going to pick THREE cards. Then, I'll read them and I'll pick the best one."
Oma said, "Oh, I don't know about that. Look at ALL THESE CARDS. Maybe you should read a few more to be sure you get just the right one."
T: "No Oma. Just three."
True to his word, he chose 3 cards, read them and picked the one he wanted. That's a man for ya. I would have taken at least 30 minutes to read a bunch of cards in search for the perfect one and then still waffle over which one was the one I wanted to give.

I read the card. It was the MOST AWESOME card I could have hoped to get from my dear son. Wow. Blew me away.
I don't have the card in front of me now, but I remember the words and sentiment were about how grateful he was to have a mother like me.
Gee whiz. I got all teary and he wiped the tear away and patted my arm.

Then I unwrapped the present. It was a beautiful 5 x 7 inch silver frame with a smiling picture of T inside it. It was perfect and I placed it on my bed side table. We both beamed at each other. But only for a moment, because he quickly disappeared again to get something else. I could hear him struggling in the back bedroom. Said it was heavy, but...he...could...get it.
He came around the corner of the door with 3 big yellow Gerbera daisy plants. The sight of him carrying them with his big grin above the flowers, was a sight I won't forget. So proud was he at what he'd chosen for me.

Later, we were playing catch with our mitts and a tennis ball. Out of the blue he said, "I like my life with you in it."
Wow.
I told him "Oh my gosh, T. Thank you. I remember my life before you were in it and I have to say I TOTALLY like my life better with YOU in it."
We had a moment.

Big beautiful sigh.

I'm OK.

2010-06-18T14:42:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry to have lapsed for so long. I just felt a bit over whelmed with all the little things lately that I couldn't find the energy to write about stuff. Maybe overwhelmed is the wrong word. I can't think of a word less strong than that, but maybe you get my drift. Here's some bullets of the stuff swirling in and around my head:

The backyard project, getting the design done, collecting multiple bids, stressing over the cost of it all.
Took out an Equity Line of Credit, and got a $10,000 lump of cash to start the back yard project, but then didn't like the way it felt like a second loan and started searching for a better option.
Opted for refinancing my current home loan and got a much better interest rate and pulled out $35,000 for the backyard project and, hopefully something left over to get a fancy, fast new computer. Now I'll pay off the line of credit and let it sit available in case of dire need--and that better not happen.
Collecting all information for the refinance.
Ordering my big fat beautiful fountain to be place in the backyard. Just arrived today--it's SO awesome!
Organizing my son's 7th birthday party.
Stressing over the fact that no one RSVP'd. Well, one person did, but what about the other 9?? After re-doing the evite 4 times to get current email addresses and also phoning people, I find out today (party's tomorrow) there will be 9 kids, 10 adults. Whew.
Stressing over having one or two parties: one for the kids and one for the family. But then deciding it was too much energy AND money to have 2 parties. Decision: one party at the bowling ally (T's choice). But my sister and her family are not coming. Said, it doesn't sound like fun hanging around a bunch of 7 year olds." Wanted to opt for the "family" party and still asking me to reconsider organizing that. Don't even want to start with giving any guilt trips to her over the last 18 years of my going to all her kids parties.
Pain! Pain in my left hip so severe I would certainly sign up for hip replacement. Thinking it's arthritis and then I sneezed and the pain was so bad in the hip--arthritis doesn't act like that! Go back to the doctor. Get no where. Pain been bugging daily me since February. Accupuncture no help.
Now having pain in mid/low back like muscle spasms. Life not feeling too good. Not able to walk or do what I need to do. What now?? Motrin or Tylenol not helpful.
See new chiropractor, which was also a mom in my old "mom's group" when T was a baby. First visit last week.
Pain different a few days after the adjustment and treatment (laser, ultrasound, massage and adjustments).
5 days after chiropractor visit I can barely walk due to hip pain and the bilateral back spasm has moved into one small area in my left rib cage. Can't talk well, due to pain with pressing air out of my lungs to speak.
Next day, doing much better. No idea why.
Next day, even better. Dare to day I have no pain at all. Had to call my mom and tell her because it was cause for celebration. Weird. Hopeful the chiropractor stuff is the conduit to this good fortune. I don't want the pain to go away all by itself to reappear later just because. Mysterious weirdness this pain has turned out to be so far.
Realized this hip/sciatic type pain has been with me on and off for the last 4 or 5 years and is the reason I stopped running and racing. I like to live in denial and just push on. It's easier. To a point. I've reached the point.
Rib pain is back today. Very painful with deep breathing and twisting. Was told by chiro "a rib was pushed out". She pushed it back yesterday. ^%$%&*#$!!! That hurt. Getting the feeling today that what I really have is fractured rib. Not much to be done. Just wait and heal.
Stressing over the cost of chiropractic. No insurance coverage for it, but regular insurance not doing anything to help with the pains or discover the cause of the pains. Got a discount for being a friend. But still. Money. I wish I had more of it.
Can I make my new mortgage payments and still save for vacations that I want to take next year and in years to come?? Time will tell. My vacation/fun money fund has been raked over so many times there is very little in it at present. Must work on that.
Infection in my eye. Specifically in the lower lid hair follicle. Someone called it a "sty". Now eye is very puffy and red/purple underneath. Like I needed something new to make me feel old. Never went to a clinic. I don't want antibiotics. Surely it will work it's way out. After a week of festering, it's looking like I'm at the end of it. Threw away old waterproof mascara I'd used a few days before the infection. It was only 3-4 years old, I think.
Must clean the house. Toilets need scrubbing. Who's gonna do it?? Me.
Had carpets and furniture steam cleaned last week. Looks SO much better. No more little boy pee and kitty hair ball/vomit stains. Carpets are so so soft now.
Hot water drips like a sieve under the kitchen sink. Turned off hot water unless I need to run the dishwasher--and then I'm ready with a catch bucket and towels. Will deal with this and find a plumber after the backyard stuff gets underway.
Drippy faucet in master bathroom. Sheesh! What IS it with the plumbing problems?? Front hose bib also leaking. Slow drip, so again, I'll put this on the back burner until I can find a reputable plumber. Hopefully it's just as easy as replacing a washer.

That's enough for now....

I hope to post soon on getting past some of the stuff sitting on my shoulders.

But I'm not complaining. I'm just listing what I'm struggling with today.

Words, Crime and Punishment

2010-05-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday we went to my sister's home for a double birthday party. My nieces became 14 and 16 years old and my! How beautiful they are becoming as they a starting to resemble the adults they'll soon be.
It was a potluck style dinner party and very relaxed. The whole family showed up, but unfortunately, none of their school friends came. The 14 year old (the one that had a very bad year last year due to bullying and other issues) invited a few of her friends over a few nights earlier for a "kick it". I'd never heard of that before, but I'm old and not up on the newest lingo for anything a teenager would want to do. A "kick it" is apparently a small gathering of friends but very relaxed--just chips and dip, maybe all watch TV together. But no big "party" type thing.
But no one showed up. Ouch. So sad.
Well, actually one did show up but at 10:30PM. Come on. Is that the time to show up to a friend's house?? In my day (did I just say that?) you didn't even call past 9PM, let alone knock on the door. Somehow we've forgotten to teach the younger generation about proper social behavior. Where is Miss Manners? We need her--in grade school, middle AND high school. Stopping now. I'm feeling reeeally old.
But this family celebration went really well. The girls asked only for money and they both received just over $250 each. Not too bad a booty! But T was a bit of pain. He kept touching , poking and being a general pest to Opa (who allows it and often encourages it) and then his cousins. He tries to play with them, but they have to play the way he wants to play. Then he just gets loud and the maniacal laugh he produces doesn't help things. He would knock on the girl's door and want to be part of the action, but when you're a teenage girl, playing with an energetic 6 year old isn't what you want to do. There was no other "kids" to play with and he felt shut out. So he received a few "time outs" for being too loud and generally not listening to what I'd asked him to do.
All seemed better after J (his 9 year old cousin) showed up. Now he had a boy closer to he age to play with--although they often don't get along too well either, since he likes to pal around with the 18 year old cousin. And you know what they say...2 is company, 3 is a crowd. So T usually gets teased and made the butt of jokes or just excluded all together. It hurts to see it all. I wish they were all closer in age, but there's nothing I can do about that.
Towards the end of the evening, the guys had all congregated in the backyard around a camp-fire and the women were all in the kitchen (so typical, huh?) and my dad said I should go check things in the backyard because T was being punished for saying a bad word. Dad felt sorry for him, but didn't intervene (which would have caused all KINDS of problems), so--Thanks Dad, for that.
I went back and saw my son sitting away from the fire on the bench with a solemn look on his face. I smiled but didn't go to him right away. None of the guys said anything to me, so I waited a bit. Soon, T waved me over and started to twist his fingers in my hair as he recounted how he "forgot it was a bad word and I said a bad word and I didn't mean to, but I said it and now I have to sit here, can I get out? I told him saying bad words is not acceptable and that he'd have to stay in the Naughty Spot until Uncle Mike says he can get out.
T and I had just had this discussion 2 days ago. He has been flirting with the power of those "bad words". He'll say "jack ass" and then "But no Mama. That's just a donkey so it's OK to say that." Or "shet" (I' m not telling him how to really spell it) and "Oh Fuckey".
Whaaaaat? Whatdidyousay????
"Fuckey."
T, that's a very, very bad word (I did't tell him the root bad word but he got the message, or so I thought). You cannot say those bad words ever.
(BTW, I very rarely swear. I try to reserve it for when I reeeally need it--that way it has a nice punctuation on the feelings of the moment. And nice shock value, sometimes. )
Not the "I" word (idiot), "S" work (shup up, shit), "H" word (hell) or "F word. "Oh." But you could see that the mere power of these words was intoxicating and the potential use or accidental utterance could be very exciting.
So he said the "F" word, clear as day (according to my brother in laws). The men were shocked and he was instructed as to what a bad thing it was and T was to sit on the naughty bench until enough time had passed to make it feel like a just punishment. After a short while I heard T laughing it up in the backyard again.
Actually, I was glad that it happened. T has tons of admiration and respect for his uncles and when they say something it tends to have more effect than if I were to tell him. Maybe we won't have too many "whoops" moments with bad words in the nearer future.
We all left with full bellies and good memories.
Even T. (He recovers pretty quick.)

Postponed

2010-04-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

Well, the trip to my friend's farm will be postponed a bit longer. We'd initially made soft plans for the 8th, but I have to cover a Saturday shift at work and so it will be pushed out longer. Hopefully the 15, but my sister's birthday is the 14th so there is a big chance that I'll be expected to go to her house that day for family celebrations for her. We'll see. There is a small chance that we'll do a two-fer and celebrate her birthday with a Mother's Day thing. That would be great--more time to schedule other weekend adventures.
This Saturday we're going to my other sister's home to celebrate her girls' birthdays (J turns 16 and M is 14). Their birthdays are 2 weeks apart so most of the time they suffer and celebrate it all together. This year all they want is money. Ugg. I hate giving money. It feels so impersonal. Plus I know the 14 year old will spend it on a freaking-expensive cell phone so she can continue to text 1000+ times a day to who knows who. (She's hijacked her mothers ever since hers dropped in the toilet.) I really don't like the lack of social graces in this newer generation and knowledge about how to interact with people in "real" time, face to face. (God, I sound old and out of touch.) They don't get to learn how to have a conversation, superficial or otherwise. At least that's my explanation as to why my nieces and nephews rarely attempt to converse with me when there's a family gathering or even just call on the phone and chat. Plus, I'm fearful of cyber bullying for my nieces. The 14 year old has been targeted a number of times on my*space and who knows what the subject of those texts are about. No good, most of the time, I bet. Or at least a good percentage of the time. Am I being pessimistic? Maybe. Or maybe the fact that I just saw a blurb on the Today show about a young girl who hanged herself due to mean kids bullying her with texts and what ever other cyber stuff is out there to potentially use to exploit and batter young innocents.
It all scares me so. Some kids can be so mean. What is it about the human race that allows such.....well....meanness?
We gotta connect more. Understand more. TALK more, instead of putting up a cyberwall and depersonalizing everyone out there.
Oops. Tangent.
Well, I hope to post soon on spending the day in a perfect place, playing and feeding little lambs. I want to go to an old-fashioned happy place.

I'm Going To DO it!

2010-04-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I have to take action and get going on exercise.
I've mulled the idea around long enough and now I'm ready.
I'm going to buy that 12 DVD series that Tony Horton puts out and get myself in shape. I hope he's as fun to watch on disc #12 as he is on disc #1.
I'll take before, during and after photos, but honestly, I don't know if I'll be brave enough to post them. We'll see.
First step: Find the web site (or wait for the info-mercial again) and order the DVDs.
If I follow the instructions and wake up extra early most of the time and put a good faith effort in, by the time we go camping at the Lake in August I'll be able to wear the swimsuit of my CHOICE! Wouldn't that be a dream?

It goes to show you...

2010-04-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Things usually work out, often even better than originally planned. ;)
I phoned my friend about my being such a nitwit and forgetting to arrange my work schedule to accommodate our coming for Picnic Day. I left a message--she was, no doubt, very busy getting her house ready for the big BBQ. She phoned me back a few hours later and said, "Hey, that sounds like something I would do!" I suddenly didn't feel so stupid and like I'd found some camaraderie and even more common ground with her. Nice.
She said she was disappointed....she now has 29 of the cutest lambs ever. So we made plans for our coming over next weekend. Some of them need to be bottle fed and T will get to help. Neat-O! We won't have the UC campus events or a parade but we will have way more time to actually visit and catch up (since there is no busyness with a huge party for a bunch of people I barely know). Now I get way more face time with her. She said she would try to get her brother, his family and her parents to come over too. Tooooo perfect!! Now we just have to pray the weather stays as perfect as it is right now.
I'm loving the way this turned out.

Can't get it together yet

2010-04-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

Drat. Drat. Drat!
I totally forgot that I work this Saturday! It's April 17, the day of Picnic day at UC Davis. I've been going there just about every year since I was 2. It's kind of a parent's day for university students and their families and they show case each department with lots of cool things to do and see on campus. They also have a large veterinarian school so there are lots of animals too. Plus a super cool parade with the school band and so many enthusiastic groups from the school and those that live in and around town. The friend that I generally spend my time with used to live in Davis but now has about 20 acres outside of town and always hosts a big BBQ. It's just great for kids with a pond to swim in, animals to play with (including 9 new baby lambs this year) and lots of room to run. So many photo opportunities! For some odd reason I only get up to visit her on Picnic Day, making it especially important to get up there and catch up with my long time friend.
But no.
I totally forgot to inform my work and make the switches I could have made to get the day free to go. And now it's too late (I tried.) and so my son won't have the chance to enjoy all that there is to do up there.
I even spoke to my friend just 2 weeks ago and told her I was going to be there and was looking forward to it. UGGGGG. Now I have to call her and tell her what a nitwit I was. I'll reschedule and come up another day, but her brother won't be there (with his kids that are near the same age as T), nor any of the rest of her family (grown and away at school), not to mention, no parade and other fun stuff. But we'll still get to hang at the farm with the animals. He won't care about visiting with my friend, but that's as good as I can make it this year.
Grrrr. It won't be the same without all the rest of the kids to play with.
Other things that add to the anxiety/bad mommy feelings of this week:
1. Didn't plan any away/vacation time with T during his Spring break week. Seems like all the other families in my neighborhood remembered.
2. Forgot to bring snacks for the kids last Saturday and it was reported that the kids were so sad and HUNGRY. Ouch. But I get to redeem myself today. (Mom is bringing the snacks to the game today since I'm working--but I did remember to buy them!)
3. Forgot to go the bank at my appointed time to sign yet another paper that had to be notarized for the equity line of credit.
4. Forgot my contact lens (yes, lens--I only wear one) at my parents this morning. (Been staying at my parents part of this week so they can watch T while I work.) And forgot to bring home the gallon of milk I bought and stored in my parent's fridge. Not a big deal but adds to the list of forgetting stuff.

I wish things would go a little more smoothly. Obviously, I need a better way to organize myself. I'll get it together soon...

On a brighter side, T made me a beautiful picture yesterday and placed it on the foot of the stairs with a small chocolate (dark! my favorite!). I wish I could post a picture of it, but it had a big heart at the center, with "I love Mama", "I miss you", written all over it. It was quite colorful. And he was so proud to present it to me.
As I was putting him to bed last night (again, we chose to watch TV, this time "Minute to Win It", a new game show--he loves any game.) He really seemed to love the game show and what the contestants were doing. So it was after 9PM before he got to bed. As we were laying there, he said, "You know what Mama? I'm so lucky. Whenever Oma has to watch me and when you're late from work and she gives me a bath and then she brings me to bed at seven-sixty or seven-fifty (not worked out exactly the time stuff yet) and she reads books with me because it's not so late at night and we have time to read. I really like that."
I smiled and agreed that he sure was lucky.
But you know what I was thinking?
Two things:
1. Oh! Bad mama for assuming he wanted to do what I wanted to do: watch some lame TV show--eating up all the time we could have for book reading (and special memories for us both).
2. How cool that he really likes to read stories rather than stay up late to watch TV. Of course, I knew reading was the right thing to do for him/us but I love that he actually prefers to be with me (or Oma/Opa) and read stories together.
That makes it easy. I have to break some bad habits (TV vegetation) and spend our evenings together, by really BEING together. I can vegetate AFTER he goes to bed.
So many little ways I can improve......little things that collectively are quite big.
(I'll stop whining soon. I swear.)

Blaaaaaaaa.

2010-04-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling down today.
I can't explain exactly why.
It's after 1PM, I haven't moved beyond my robe and slippers. I've been moping around the house, trying to find the purpose and direction for my day. It's Spring break this week from school, so T is off all week. He whined enough about having to go to CDC (on school site day care) that my mom and dad offered to watch him instead of the dreaded CDC. I'm not sure why he loathes it so. He says there are "big kids" that bother him. The T that I know stands up for himself and never hesitates to tell someone what he thinks. But maybe when I'm not with him, he's a different kid. He claims to be shy. I can see glimpses of it occasionally, but mostly I would never use the word "shy" to describe him. But I want him to know that I really listen to him and take what he says seriously. It really seems to bother him to go to CDC, even for a few hours, so I took my parents offer and he'll go there Wednesday-Saturday. I work this Saturday, so that's why I can lounge and mope around at home today.
Yesterday, Mark came over. Yes, I know. I was surprised too. He phoned the night before and never really gave an explanation as to why he flaked out last time. I told him I would not do any special preparations and would likely look like crap...crud....well, not doll myself up. Because then, surely, he would not show once again. As it turned out, I was fully dressed, WITH make up on and hair somewhat nicely done (it was a rainy day and I'm prone to the tiny-est bit of humidity--FRIZZY curls). Oh well. Who cares. Only me, I think.
It was nice to see him. He looked the same in lots of ways. He was dressed horribly though. Baggy shorts, a few layers of shirts with outer one being a blue plaid quilted jacket, white socks and black sneakers. And a baseball cap that never left his head. Not the outfit to make a girl swoon, you know? And swoon, I didn't. Maybe I wasn't supposed to. But we chatted and caught up for over an hour and then I had to make an appointment for my first acupuncture visit and he had a dentist appointment. He has a beautiful smile. He always has. I don't know if I'll hear from him again. I'm indifferent, either way.
Shit. I wish I could feel something, some time.
He said he could fix my side gate so that I could open it, so that would be nice. We'll see.
T has been playing Wii for HOURS. I'm feeling like really bad mom. A few days ago I caved and bought a new Wii game for him. He'd only had the Sports edition and that was plenty. It still is. But he sure is loving this SpongeBob Boating Bash. This week the weather has been quite rainy and that was my excuse yesterday to allow him to play it nearly ALL DAY LONG. This morning he woke at 7AM and asked to play it again. I said yes, thinking I was getting up shortly and then I'd change it to the Today show while I had my coffee. But I ended up getting out of bed by 8:30 and he was playing it until after 9. I finally put my foot down and changed the channel so I could tape a few movies. We just had DirectTV hooked up yesterday and I'm really loving all the extra channels. But it also makes me feel more like loser. Accomplishing nothing. But I've learned how to manage a DVR (never had one before) and I'm trying to record a few movies I've SO been wanting to see, but haven't made the time/effort to do yet.
As I type, T plays on. And it's not even raining today. Poor kid. He needs a buddy to play with and I'm falling down on the job. To be honest, T is really happy playing the Wii games as long as I root for him and watch from time to time. I wish there was another kid he could play with, but I really doubt I will foster or adopt another child. I can't load my parents up with another responsibility, and I don't have the funds either. Guilt. Either way.
I have a headache.
Sigh.
I need to mobilize myself. I have to buy an external hard drive so I can copy all my pictures that are stored in my home computer and then I can scrap this old one (circa 2001 or so) and get a new one. I pay for "high speed" Internet service but it's almost as slow as dial up because my computer is old and full. At least that's what I think. Plus I can't ever turn it off because chances are pretty good that I won't be able to turn in on again. It's busted inside and my computer guru-friend says it's time to move on. But for now it works well enough. A few days ago I though I was a goner. The PG&E guy came over to install a new "SmartMeter" while I was at work and, interrupting my my electric service for the few minutes he needed to, my computer was dead-as-a-doornail. CRAAAAAAP.
I think I tried to turn it on about 250 times. And then, for some unknown reason, it actually turned over and stayed on!! All was not lost. (Actually I have 99% of my pictures on an Internet picture site, so I can access them from there. But still. I wanted to copy them and have them to myself.
I don't like getting dressed lately. I don't like what I see when I'm undressed. It's all changing. I'm not overweight. But, I have been there. In my early 20's I used to weigh about 170 pounds. I say "about" because at some point I refused to stand on a scale or have my picture taken to document my misery. I did once make a drawing of myself, pointing out all the areas I hated. It was my way of motivating myself to lose the excess baggage. Somehow, little by little, I did it. These days, I'm about 10 pounds up from my lightest adult weight. (The lightest weight was due to a post break-up depression, and doesn't really count because I will never get down to that weight again, nor should I.). I just need to shape up! It's all going the way of gravity. Down. Plus I'm getting these weird pains. I've had a strange hip pain that is so severe it stops me from walking. Then it switches to the other side with no residual pain in the first side. It can go on for months in different modes of severity and then be GONE. As if it was never there. I had this pain 3 years ago, but after one year of procrastination I went to an acupuncturist and after 3 treatments the pain vanished. It stayed gone for 1.5 years until last February. When it wouldn't leave me after a month, I had referral put in to the acupuncturist again. My favorite acupuncturist moved an hour north from here (bummer!) so I asked for someone that had the same kind of style that Phillip had. Yesterday I met her. Her name is Lisa. Actually it's a hard-to-pronounce Chinese name, but she goes by Lisa. She was amazing. I really enjoyed my time with her and she came up with good explanations and a plan that sounds like it might work.
I will see her every Monday for a month and then we will re-evaluate to see if this treatment is working or not.
What was clear was that my posture needs work. I hunch too much. And my stomach is weak making it difficult to support good, even weight distribution. I've heard this before. But who likes sit ups? I'm working myself up to doing something really different. I want to have a strong body that I'm proud of. One I don't mind dressing in the morning. Clearly it's going to take some concerted effort on my part. Strong, muscular bodies don't happen by accident. Unless your day job requires you to lift heavy objects and incidentally get aerobic exercise in the mix.
I stumbled on an infomercial a few days ago. In just 60 short days, you too can have a body like the ones they sport. Just by following along with these fun filled DVDs. And 3 payments of $39. AND lots of sweating in front of your TV in the comfort of your own home.
Well, that just suits me fine. Being a single parent, I can't leave the house without someone else here to watch T. The only hours I can find to spend exercising that wouldn't induce more guilt is before the day gets going--6-7AM would be ideal. Not too early, as long as I make myself get to bed by 10 or so. Maybe with this new DVR, I'll be able to watch my favorite shows earlier (without commercials!) and get to bed sooner. My problem is that I have let T become addicted to the same shows I like and so we watch them together. And then he gets to bed well after 9PM, there is no time to read together (which I think is horrible, creating more guilt) and there is no "me" time at the end of the day--prompting me to stay up too late vegetating in front of the TV.
Sigh.
Will I do it? Can I find the energy everyday to wake up and do a workout all by myself? (I've tried to find someone in my neighborhood to commit to doing it with me but I've found no takers.) I don't know. I'm trying to talk myself into it. It has lots of up sides, and the only down side is my own potential to slack off. I won't pay to join a gym. Even if I did join a gym, with all the sports obligations T has during the week and weekends, I couldn't go after work and the only available time is too crazy to make him wake up at 5:30AM so he can sit in some day care (I bet they don't even offer it at that time because that would be just cruel.) and wait for me to be done sweating. See? Working out at home is the best option. And the cheapest too. It's a good idea. I just have to pump myself up, ramp the energy and motivate myself to stick with it.
And the backyard is still a mud pit. That's got me down too. I don't like clutter and the ugly, disorganized way my yard sits in is weighing on me. I just had the equity line of credit approved so now it's just about finalizing the plans and getting the right contractor. It's moving at a snails pace. Dad is helping with the written drawings, but I'm not sure about the materials for the patio surfaces. So it can't move forward until I make up my mind. I did a drive through the next neighborhood and found a home that had used a mix of brick and stamped concrete--very close to what I had envisioned. It looked good. The pattern of brick wasn't the same as I'd planned, but I might revised that part. Because this guy's yard looked really nice.
We'll see how it morphs.
Well, I better get going and find a direction to move. I've been at this computer too long and T has played much too much Wii for one day.

Ups And Downs

2010-03-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

The up news:
My brother is moving out!! Yay! He found himself a new place all by himself too. He's not a computer person but I showed him how to find Craig's List and he busily got to work. I mean, he didn't even have "clicking" skills and now he's navigating around all by himself. Good for him! He was impressed with all the rooms for rent in his price range. He found a nice neighborhood back in our home town (where he wanted to be) and will be learning to live with 3 strangers (3 men) in a two story home. They accepted him after the first meeting and apparently weren't phased with the lack of work history. I doubt they did a credit check either. He just flashed the $400 dollars deposit and that was all they needed from him. Hurray for sloppy leasers! This is the first time he will be living with someone that isn't family or an old friend. I hope he finds it a learning experience and I really hope he finds a J O B. Likely that won't happen until they stop giving him extensions on his unemployment checks (been over 2 years now!). Not that I'm against getting hand outs that long when you really NEED it, but a LEAST make an effort in trying to find work. Well, I won't jump on that soap box now. I'm just happy that I will, once again, have my extra bed room available and that I can stop fretfully "shushing" my son every single morning as he speaks in his louder-than-most voice (and he's a talker--which I love, most of the time) so that someone can sleep in as long as they'd like and do nothing with their day. Bitter some? Not really. Just frustrated!!!! It's such a wasted life.
Until last night I thought he'd like living somewhere else since he seemed genuinely unhappy most of the time, scowled at my son at seemingly every turn, and walked around like the world owed him something. But no. I was wrong. While speaking with my mom last week (she was sworn to secrecy but that never applies to us, lol), he mocked me "She needs her own space." in that whiny kind of voice that goes along with mocking.
Reeeeeally!
Well, I think he's being ridiculous. I get to chose how to live my life in my own house and I refuse to live with a sour puss any longer. But the most pressing and important factor: he's a lousy role model for my son. And I could go on but I won't. It's not worth our time. I've decided not to tell him exactly why he needs to move and all that bugs me because I'm afraid it would just cause a big rift between us and stuff like that doesn't generally get forgotten/forgiven between adults. (OK, and I'm not good with confrontation, I confess.) We should really learn from children on getting past disagreements. I have a lot to learn too. (Hence, the neighbor across the street issue.)
On the down side:
Mark flaked again. OMG. That makes 4 times in a short row. Well, the first time we sort of cancelled on each other equally, but the next 3 times it was all him. As I wrote before, he phoned last week and then he said he would like to visit on Thursday or Friday. He still hasn't phoned. No email message. Nothing. It's so disappointing. I had such hopes since our phone conversations flow so easily. And now I'm in the same position: can't/won't call him but still sorta want to meet with him to see how a face to face meeting goes. Honestly, I really don't need friends I can't trust to do what that said they would do.
I'm just....disappointed.
And back to square one.
One advantage: something has changed within me and I think I now have more courage to try and stir up something (well, it waxes and wanes day to day) with interesting men that I happen to notice around me. Hopefully some of them are unattached and emotionally in the same place I am.
In the mean time, T still keeps picking up every dandelion seed head that he sees in his path (there are tons this time of year), blowing on it to disperse every last seed, while wishing out loud, "I wish I had a baby." He's gotten a few completely naked down to the stem and quickly checks in with me that maybe NOW he'll get his wish.....
Sweet boy.

Lately

2010-03-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I was a big chicken.
I decided to really think about my feelings on whether or not to continue to date PetSmart man. After a few days and then a few more days, I had decided I had no interest in seeing him again. Now how to tell him? But actually, since he had not written after that first note the day after our last date, I decided that I would just not write. Let it drop and die on its own.
And so far, so good. Maybe it was a mutual thing. I hope so. I hate to hurt any feelings.
So, moving on!
Mark phoned a few days ago and I didn't let him off the hook. I reminded him that he has now cancelled on me 3 times and he's skating on thin ice. He seemed fully aware of his bad behaviour and apologized a few times. He said it's not like him to be so flaky (his word choice) and I told him I didn't remember him being that way either, but when it walks and talks like a duck....ya know?
We talked for about an hour and it was really easy chatting with him. Something very familiar and comfortable about our conversations together. He said he'd like to visit Thursday or Friday and would call to confirm with me for day and time. But it's Thursday afternoon and still no phone call. Hmmmmmm.
I made plans with my parents this evening for dinner and tomorrow I have plans with another "401 mom" (that's what we call us moms that conceived with the same donor) and her daughter for dinner. They are in town until Saturday and I'm excited to get to know them a little more. We've met twice before, but I take it as a good sign that she wants to spend more time with us, the more she gets to know us. Her daughter and my son play very nicely together, although they really don't understand the genetic connection they have. But one day they will.
This Saturday, as with the past two Saturdays, T will go to another ballet dance class. I chaperoned my first field trip with T's class and we went to the local ballet company to see the behind the scenes and watch the dancers. The kids also received a small instructional session and anyone who wants to could attend free classes for the next 3 months. Cool! T loved it and had chosen to go to ballet classes instead of Tae Kwon Do. So far, no one has given him the idea that ballet might be just for girls. And I love watching him in his little white ballet shoes. I don't know if we will continue beyond this semester's free classes, but it's great to expose him to this kind of dance and see if he wants to further his dance career in the future.
Speaking of Tae Kwon Do.....
T successfully tested for his "yellow senior" belt. The testing sessions come every 3 months, but for the past 6 months he has been unable to perform all the tasks to move to the next color belt. Finally! He made it and he (and all of us too!) were so excited for him to show the class and masters that he knew all his stuff!
He says he wants to get his black belt some day....we'll see. I thought he would want to stop soon, but earning his new belt has motivated him to do better.
Yay. Except I really wanted to stop paying the $84 a month. Oh well, at least the sparkle in his eye has returned with going to practice 4 days a week.
And speaking for 4 times a week....baseball continues. And T LOVES it. He's pretty good at most positions and I love watching him play. With the weather improving lately it's much more fun sitting on the sidelines and rooting for his team while soaking in a beautiful day. Sorry no recent pictures. It's the old computer. Can't upload much until I get a new machine. It's on my list.
Well, gotta go now. We're having home made pea soup! Yum. My mother can't make a bad dish. The deal is, when she cooks, she cooks for an army. We had pea soup last night and probable will have it twice more this week before it's gone. Good thing it's yummy.

Date Report

2010-03-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday PetSmart man showed up at my work right on time. He phoned me on the cell phone that he was in the parking lot and not sure which building was mine. I said I'd walk outside and find him. So, the office staff didn't get to ogle him on the way in. Oh well. Most had left to get their own lunches anyway.
He remains seated and I get in the passenger side. So far so good. We decide to drive over (it's close enough to walk over) and then order and find a nice table. The ambiance at Erik's DeliCafe is nice. Sort of rustic and cozy.
He was bumping up against my arm/elbow while standing in line to order. I kind of liked that.
As usual, he was all smiles. I asked about how his work weekend in Colorado went. I tried to follow along, but it's all engineer -ese and computer stuff. I can't follow for too long. He says he likes to complete a task as fast as he can. Sort of like a challenge for him each time he takes something on. I'm getting that he is quite competitive. So am I.
He brought up Tae Kwon Do fighting. My son has been taking it for almost a year and has had the same color belt for the past 9 months. He's almost there with his form but can't quite master it perfectly. He offered to teach him but I was thinking that I wasn't ready for him to meet my son or come to my home. He went on about how he was taught in Germany. There was an emphasis on high kicks. Especially to the face.
Uh, well. The masters at our gym don't teach their pupils that style. I think it's more like points for kicking to the body and making good blocks. But he was insisting that that was the cool thing about Tae Kwon Do-"I kick hard to de chest and den BAM! I kick zem in de face! Den it's over. I kick der ASSSSSES."
Yikes. I was not getting a warm fuzzy feeling. In fact I wasn't feeling anything. I started having a conversation in my head as I was sitting there. I was running out of things I wanted to talk about. I felt nothing. I wanted to get up and go back to work. But I had to get back in his car before getting to my office. Drat.
He asked me how I would say in Dutch, "Kiss me, please." I told him and then asked the same of him in German. And he just smiled at me across the table. Had I actually FELT something I probably would have leaned across the table and kissed him. But there was nothing. I was sorting of simmering a small panicky feeling within myself that there was something dead inside of me that no longer worked. How come I felt NOTHING?
The hour was up and we stood up to leave.
He wrapped his arm around mine and we walked to the car together. Then, once in the car, he started kissing me. And then KISSING me. And I followed his lead. But I felt like a cold fish. I had nothing.
He said he would call me later.
I have no idea what the problem with me is. He's a very nice man. (Although the kick-his-ass attitude didn't sit well.) He's good looking, has an accent that I like to listen to, athletic, smart, he listens to me and responds to what I say, and seems to be emotionally available. He even has a job. What else is there?
I'm missing that elusive "chemistry" thing. I'm not sure how to turn that on. He seems to have it for me, unless he's faking it too.
I just can't fathom going any further--physically. I don't WANT him.
Maybe something died with menopause. I feel hormoneLESS.
(I have admit that yesterday was a horrible day for allergies and I took benedryl and it really knocked me over with side effects. But at least the snot stopped.)
The last guy I really WANTED was back in 2001. That relationship never went anywhere--he was fresh out of divorce #2 and a bit skittish about starting up a new relationship.
Heavy, heavy sigh.
What do I do?
Do I go on another date (assuming maybe it was the benedryl blahs that did me in)?
Or is this a sign that it just isn't right with this guy? I don't want to throw him away when there might be a chance for something nice to develop.
I wish this stuff was easier. Sheesh.

Can you say F L A K E ?

2010-03-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

Well, the "date" on Sunday didn't happen. He never phoned the day before (as he said he'd do). In fact, he didn't reconfirm the last time he was supposed to come over (His idea--which I thought was a nice and thoughtful move) and then cancelled the day of the planned meeting. I'm starting to learn that maybe what Mark says he'll do isn't what Mark will really do. Not how I remember him being....
I phoned him yesterday (the day we were supposed to see each other) and left him a message. He called me right back (apparently I had awakened him) and apologized for not calling (as he said he would!). He has been sick with a cold--or something that has sapped him completely. What is it with men and getting sick? They turn into such babies. That's not fair. I'm sure I'm stereotyping. But I've heard from more than one source that more than one man becomes a child once sick. He said he'd been sleeping all day and was starting to feel much better. He wanted to put off visiting until he's healthy again--to spare getting me or my son sick too.
So, we'll see. I'm not phoning anymore. The ball is in his court.

PetSmart guy, though, has not yet dropped the ball. He couldn't make our planned for lunch date last Thursday. He phoned 2 hours before lunch and explained that he needed to drop off his car at the mechanic and was then told it would be 4 hours of work before he would get his car back. So lunch was now off--or rather postponed. He emailed if we could change the lunch date to next week. Sure, I said. We made plans for next Tuesday (tomorrow). I told him we could meet at Erik's DeliCafe or at my office. He said he was fine with either, but would like to be a gentleman and pick me up from my office, if I was OK with that. Well, suddenly that sounded quite nice, so I wrote, "I'd love that. Yes, please. Pick me up at work."
Now all my office mates are so excited to see what he looks like. (I tell them most everything about my dates so they can live vicariously.) He will get the eye from every direction when he steps in the waiting room. :)
I received another email from him today, asking if we were still on for tomorrow. He says he "can't wait" to see me.
I'm kind of excited to see him too. I still can't quite envision how he will fit into my life, but I think that's a bit too much to work out just yet. I'll take it one date at a time.

Second Date

2010-03-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

And a second cup of coffee.
It was hastily arranged to meet at the same coffee house at lunch time today.
We had written emails on potential times to meet over the weekend, but I was dragging my feet on any particular time. Partly because I really was quite busy and it would have been a hassle to find a babysitter for the small amount of time I could spend (Mom would have stepped up but she had just spent Thursday and Friday evening over and Dad starts to grumble when it's too many days in a row spent away.). But the biggest reason was I just wasn't too "in a hurry" to see him. I wanted to but some brakes on. It seemed the more time passed since the first date, the better things felt for me towards him. When ever he sent an email though it was clear he wanted very much to see me again. Soon.

So today I met him again. We ordered our coffees and sat down on ottomans with a small table between us. Again, he body language reaffirmed he was happy to be with me. He even said a few times that he wished he could get closer to me. That was my cue to address the speed of this whole thing. I told him that I had felt like things were rolling along too quickly. That I needed to get to know him to feel more comfortable with things. He smiled (actually he never stops smiling) and said, "We can't go back. It's too late." I think he was quite happy with that. But I think I made it pretty clear that I wanted to slow it down.
He tried to explain to me how it was in Munich and the space between people and what was considered "normal" space between people is much smaller than what Americans think. I think I've come to understand that he feels reassured when he is rubbing elbows with someone. And I'm thinking, "Hey, did I say it was OK to enter my 18" of personal space?"
He also looked different in daylight (as I'm SURE I did too). His teeth need some brightening and I saw evidence of European dentistry. Duh. Of course. They're just old crowns, with a couple gold ones in the back. I am such a nit picker! Teeth are one of those things I pay attention to. Perhaps because I live in California--but I almost expect that if you had the time and money, you'd make sure your smile was bright (not NEON white but certainly not yellow). His teeth were a bit yellowed. The normal yellowing that happens as we all age--if we were all coffee drinkers. Unfortunately, with all the whitening materials out there, that "normal" is not as normal as it used to be.
I know. I'm a bitch. Uh, witch. I mean, unreasonable.
Anyway, it all went well, once again. I asked more questions about his kids and he was happy to talk about them and the time he spends with them. He says he's strict with them and thinks it's important that they know good manners and eat with knife and fork--no slouching at the dinner table and no hands in your lap while eating. That kind of "strict" OK with me--I teach my son to do the same thing. He did say he "kicked" his 13 year old when he gets out of hand. Made some sort of joke that he took many years of Tae Kwon Do and he's a better kicker than his son is. I'm not sure what to make of that. I'll reserve judgment until I know more. We also talked about scuba diving and the changes in equipement over the last few decades, and other unimportant topics.
Then it was time to go.
He asked if he could walk me to my car and once there he asked me when he could see me again--some time this week. He leaves for Colorado for work on Friday for 3 days. So we made soft plans for lunch time on Thursday. He will call/write me and pick me up from my work--or meet at an agreed place. My hair kept falling in front of my eyes with the wind. (I've been trying to grow it out--and the bangs are just at the point where they are so annoying!). When he brushed them to the side of my face, it felt nice. Like he was being appropriately affectionate. I liked that part. Then he kissed me--just a little peck. And then one more.
And that was it.
I think he got the message that I want it slower. And he seems ready to oblige.
With that, there's potential for a couple more dates.

I still want to go out with Mark though. He called last night and left a message, but we still have yet to make a date to meet.

When it rains, it pours. Even after such a long and dry drought!

Coming Up For Air

2010-02-26T13:14:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh. I have been naked all week with a cute German engineer chasing me, nonstop. Sorry for the delay in writing the date details....I just haven't had the chance to sit at a computer!
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Ha! Juuuuuuust kidding.

I had to come up with a juicy excuse for my tardy update!

So, we met at a coffee house. He was waiting there as I drove up. I walk up and suddenly am standing too close. It was awkward. I passed the space where a hand shake was expected and entered the zone where hugs start to happen. So, I hugged him. But not really sure I should have.
We walk in and he starts bumping into my arm/elbow in a "we're so familiar, we stand this close" sort of way.
We both order Chai, his treat. Then we sit down.
His body language is all good: He's leaning into me across the table, always smiling and we never had a shortage of stories to tell. And we didn't focus on old relationships either. Mostly stories of travel. He freely and often admitted to information he had on me that he found on the Internet. I was continually surprised that he knew so much.
Note to self: Internet is helpful but quite dangerous on some levels.
I also knew tidbits about him (from my earlier Googling) but didn't let on that I knew anything. Isn't that the way you're supposed to do it?
I appreciated his candor and truthfulness though.
Sometimes it did get kind of icky.
He knew what I did for living, and heck, I talk about stuff most people would NEVER discuss at the mere suggestion of bodily functions of dysfunctions.
He gingerly brought up potentially taboo subjects with permission and, of course I said it was OK to discuss. But after a while, it just felt icky. After all, this IS a first date. So I kind of ended that kind of talk with, "Well, maybe there's a good reason for a certain etiquette with first dates." And it stopped. Sort of.
He was telling me a story of going through a rescue scuba diving course he took. He had to pull a woman (fellow student) out of the ocean, lay her on the beach and then perform CPR. Then he looked at me and said, "I'd love to do mouth-to-mouth with you."
What?
Did you just say what I thought I heard you say?
Ewww. Please don't say stuff like that.
I kind of shrugged it off. Perhaps that's what German guys are like. Maybe he doesn't know the subtleties of dating in the US. There were a couple more instances where it suddenly felt out of bounds, sexually. Part of me was like,
"Well, he likes me!" and the other part was saying, "He's just saying that because he wants my clothes off. Now." Maybe I AM pretty. I don't think so.
I don't generally take compliments well. How could he be so IN to me so quickly?? It must be about sex. (the conversation in my head never stops...)
After about 1.5 hours of mostly excellent chatting, we decided we needed to go.
He was going to buy more fish for his tank. He needs A LOT.
I'd assumed that first day I saw him in Pet Smart that he was the owner of a lovely LARGE aquarium and loved his little fishies the way I've come to.
But no.
He has just one fish.
A Piranha. A big Piranha.
It's illegal to have them in our state. He bought it (along with 4 others that had died) while in Kansas.
Now, that puts another dimension to this guy. And not the direction I was hoping it would go. Maybe he's a bit of a bad boy. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Don't more women like a bit of "bad boy"? Do I?
Maybe. But not like this.
He said, if he gets too big and costly to keep alive (it eats a LOT of gold fish or what ever he puts in the tank), he'll just eat him.
Ick.
Really?
Maybe he was just kidding.
I'm not sure what to think of that.
He has to go around to different fish tank stores so no one gets suspicious. He tells them he has a turtle that eats them (they're legal).

Anyway....we get to the car and then he's getting closer...and closer.
Yep. We kiss.
And kiss. And kiss.
And I'm feeling nothing. He seems all "into it" and I've got nothin'. But I follow his lead. After a short while, I'm done. I break it off and nicely say, "I've gotta go."
I called him from my cell right then so he'd have my phone number. That way I didn't have to call him later and potentially have MORE conversation.
I was done. I wanted to get away.
I liked him. He's very easy on the eyes. But it was too much suddenly.
I really hoped he was NOT going to call or write me soon.
He travels for work a lot. He'd be gone all week and then a few days home before off to Florida. He even invited me to go with him to India in April.
Thanks, but no. 20 hours on a plane for a 4-5 day trip doesn't sound like fun. But it was sweet to ask me, just the same.
He seemed very jazzed that we might be great travel partners. Me too, but I do have a son that will be coming along. I'm not a singular package and neither is he (I'd think....)

More...
He was married for 12 years and now divorced for almost 2 years (by my calculations on when he bought his house--found that on the Internet too, purchase price, picture and all. Sheesh. Dating these days is a whole new ball game.) He has 3 kids, ages 13, 8 and 3.
He should be quite busy with all that he has to do outside of work, in addition to all the time he puts in at work. Add to that all the driving around to feed that hungry fish and I don't know where he gets time to date.
Oh yeah, and he swims every lunch time in his training for a Navy SEAL race that involves swimming, pull ups, sit ups, squats, whatever....etc.
And still, he has found time to spend with me.

He wrote an email 3 days after our date and said he'd been thinking about me all weekend, had a great time and wants to see me again.
I wrote back the next day and said sort of the same think back.
He's just back in town again, no doubt catching up with life and going for more food for Mr. P and wrote that he'd love to have another coffee this weekend.

I don't know why I am having reservations. I think it's just the left over ickyness from some of our time together, the hands-y kissing at the end and his exuberant, enthusiastic, almost (but not quite) too much interest in me. It feels like it might just turn into a physical thing.

We'll have to see. I'll go out for coffee again, and I'll see how things feel then.

Also, not a word from Mark. I wrote him a while back and then yesterday phoned and left a message. I'd really like to visit with him and see if there are any sparks still there.

I like this. It's something new. I might just get a love life after all.

Aaaaaaaak!

2010-02-19T17:25:00.001-08:00

I've got a date tonight!

Here's the scoop.
3 weeks ago, I was in Pet Smart buying my pet frog (an African Dwarf--so cute!) and while I was there, there was a nice looking gentleman buying a BUNCH of goldfish and some little white fish that he wanted to breed with some black ones in the hopes of making a sort of zebra looking fish.
We both got in the check out line at the same time. After a little small talk, we got separated by a few minutes and when I went out into the parking lot he was gone. So I went back inside the store and talked with the girls that worked there. I said, "Hey, I know this is not in your job description, but I thought that guy was kinda cute. If he ever comes back here, could you give him my card?" They said he'd never been in before, but sure, they would do it.
It was a shot in the dark, but there was no other way I'd get to see him again.
3 weeks later, I get a message from my advice nurses that there's a guy calling--a personal call, for me. I just shrugged and said, "I have no idea..."
She went back and asked for more information and he told her we met at Pet Smart.
Oh! THAT guy! He's calling??
Wow. OK.

So, of course I googled his name first. LOL.
Found out he's an engineer, schooled in Munich, Germany, ran a few races, including a marathon in 2001 (wicked fast with a time of 3:15!), was 40 years old in 2001--makes him around 49 or 50 years old now.

All good news.

I called him back at lunch time and we chatted for a while. He also googled ME (and admitted to it!) and found me on several sites, including Fac*Book. He didn't have a FB page yet, but created one and then ask to friend me. Now, THATs letting your enthusiasm show!
And if he read everything on the Internet that he could, he'd also found out how I created my little family--and that I even have a family.
Seems like he's not put off yet.
All good, so far.

So I'm meeting him a local coffee house and we'll see what happens.

Yikes!
I don't even have any "date" clothes. Good thing I don't have time to think about this much--just going straight from work.

And I'm going to buy a box of chocolates for those Pet Smart girls!

To be continued......

An Awesome Offer

2010-02-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I was presented with an amazing offer.

A friend of mine asked me if there would be a "market" for her left over embryos. She has 5 on ice and is currently 30 weeks pregnant with triplets.

Lordy! As you might guess, she is DONE with procreating and is thinking of what to do with her healthy strapping young blastocysts now.

The other interesting point of this story is that this woman also used the same sperm donor that I had to create my family--and that was a huge draw for me.

I've been offered embryos before...heck, hasn't everybody??
But after a short pause, I always decline. I like my life the way it is--even if T has asked more than once for a brother or sister to live with us. (I had tried when T was 14 months old to conceive with the left over embryos I had, but it didn't work.) I seriously thought about adopting last year. But never took any real steps toward that process. I think I'm just too content. I also think that expanding my family is mostly for other people (T, mainly) and if it were up to me, given the same situation of being the sole parent, I'd rather not change things or rock my boat with such a great unknown.

But the same donor?? Gosh. I had to put my thinking cap on for that one. Actually, her wording left the question open for speculation on what she really might have meant. But I wanted to flatter myself that I might be young enough to consider having another baby. It's exciting!

It came down to three things:

1. I'm old(er). Even though there are women out there my age that carry pregnancies without a hiccup (donor eggs, no doubt!). But this gets riskier as we age (see how I included you all with me??) Is this a risk I'm ready to take, being the sole parent in my little family?

2. The disparity in the new baby's age and my son's age. They would be 7 years apart and wouldn't be on the same level for many things. My mom is a middle child with one sister 5 years older and one sister 7 years younger. She didn't have much of a connection growing up with them (although she is emotionally very close to her younger sister now). And he has many half sibs dotted around the States--he can connect with them later, if he chooses.

3. My mother is my usual default babysitter and she's growing older too. She'd love to help care for any baby I had, but realistically she can't do what she'd like due to arthritis. I could hire help, but it would frustrate her that someone else had to be hired because she was unable to help. Family dynamics--it's convoluted.

Plus, who knows how things might change between my friend and I, once I had a full sibling in my house to the 3 babes in her home (she lives thousands of miles away). Too many variables and potential problems.

Anyway, I decided that it was a risk I wasn't willing to take.

I asked for clarification to her "offer" and she said I was top on her list! Isn't that sweet??! That made my heart swell.

But I think she was steering more towards research applications or stem cell line creation needs.

I will advise her to keep her little ones frozen for a few years. Once her babies are born and thriving for the next few years, THEN she can consider releasing them to a worthy cause. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic that something bad might happen, but, you know...shit does happen. I always like having a back-up plan.
Gosh, I feel lucky that I even got to contemplate an offer like that.

The Monkey...Addendum

2010-01-31T12:42:00.000-08:00

Actually the original book T made had a small void. Two pages in the middle had stuck together unbeknown to him, so they were blank once the story was written and illustrated. At first he decided that we just had to overlook that and turn the page. But then he was inspired to add more depth to the story. I kind of didn't want him to potentially wreck this book, so I reminded him he had to be sure it fit with the story.
Here's how the book reads now:

The Monkey

Once upon a time
there was a monkey
that was swinging
on the tree.
(Below script: 4 green trees and a brown monkey near the largest tree.)

then his tummy felt
its hurting. It was
A baby. He was so
Happy. He never had
a baby. In his hole
life. He had too babys.
(Below script: 2 trees, bushes and a monkey with 2 circles for the stomach area.)

And then when they were
done swinging on the tree,
they had Bananas to eat.
And then they took a walk.
then they had to run because
there were asteroids falling
from the sky. but they were
not DeAD. They runed fast.
(Below script: A big blue sky with 16 red asteroids all lined up in row with orange flames. Many brown monkeys with arms flailing. Yellow and brown dirt with black round coals--all lined up in a row to match the asteroids falling.)

then there were fire.
everywhere. a lot of
dinosaurs were dead. 100 of
dinosaurs were dead.
And then he thinked that he
wanted another baby.
He told his Docter. Can I have
another baby? the Docter
said yes. We will Give you
another baby. He was
going to get another baby tomorrow.
(Below script: Black and blue sky. Blue and red flames everywhere. And 3 monkeys with dragging arms. I think they are tired.)

And then he had a
baby. twice. And then
they were A family
that lived in the
Jungle. oo. oo. ah. ah.
(Below script: Blue sky with 2 clouds and one sturdy tree with 3 brown monkeys. One monkey has a happy smile, the other 2 are faceless.)

The end by T-----
1-28-10

Quite exciting now, huh?
I told him I was so happy with the book that I took it to work and showed everyone. And I even put it on the Internet. He was quite worried about that.
"The Internet?! Someone might make fun of me."
I assured him all was OK. I didn't put his real name on it.
"Whew. Well, that's OK then. Did they like it??"
He was so excited to read the reviews!

Thank you so much for your kind words. You made our day brighter.

The Monkey

2010-01-29T12:53:00.000-08:00

I was presented a book yesterday, quite proudly, by my son.
He wrote, illustrated, and bound it professionally...with well placed staples.

It's called, The Monkey.

The Monkey
Once opon a time
there was a monkey
that was swinging on the tree.
(below script are 4 trees in technicolor crayon with a brown monkey near a tree)

Then his tummy felt its hurting. It was
A baby. He was so
Happy. He never had a baby. In his hole
life. He had too babys.
(below script are two trees, 2 bushes and a monkey figure with 2 circles for the stomach area)

And then he had a baby. twice. And then
they were A family
that lived in the Jungle. oo. oo. ah. ah.
(below script is a big blue sky, 2 white clouds, one tree and 3 brown monkeys around it)

I was so proud. Now that's a keeper.
I wonder what that means..... lol
Coincidentally I had some down time at work and was working on my own book for him (the story of his conception). Writing it is tougher than I thought. I'll be editing it for a while, before I'm happy with it.

And THEN....this morning I had an offer to consider taking ownership of frozen embyros. My knee-jerk response is, "No, that's lovely, but I'm very happy with the one child I have."
But I've decided to really think it over before I answer.

Contents of a Heart

2010-01-26T11:11:00.000-08:00

While T sits on the toilet, and I stare at the mirror applying various powders to enhance what I like and disguise what I don't he says,
"Mama, do you know what's in my heart?"

"Um...blood?", I say, thinking he's talking about it in a literal sense.

"No. Inside my heart there is another heart because I love you."

I peek around the door frame, "I love you", I say with a sudden sense that my heart contains a few extra hearts too.

sigh

Yep, still warm...

2010-01-18T10:59:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday, Mark phoned. It was weird to hear his voice--sounded exactly the same as I remembered him--back when he was a young teen. We talked for over an hour about all that we remembered and things that have happened over the last 20 odd years or so.
Against his parents wishes, he opted against going to college and felt his place was "out in the world, finding his own way." His parents were worried and when he didn't land a job quickly enough, his father offered him a position at his firm--as a laborer doing concrete work. His father was hoping to show him how hard that life can be and help him see how college would be the best place to put his energies. Mark said he came home and dropped down on the floor to sleep, every day that first week. But when that first pay check came, he thought "I can do this!" and decided to study for his masonry license. So that's what he does--concrete work. Plus he started his own Landscaping Maintenance business too (I think mainly the yards in his own neighborhood). He has an artistic flair as well and really likes to put his own touch onto everything he does. That I'd guessed from his ability to learn and play the piano.
He'd had several long term relationships but none that felt felt right to take it to marriage. And he's not gay. That was nice to hear! He's been a "free agent" for about 18 months now. Maybe he's ready for a new relationship...
But one thing kind of bugged me. Maybe it's just me trying not to dash any one's dreams, but when he spoke of his hopes of being a father since he was about 27 years old, that sort of gave my heart a pang. And then he told me that his parents were disappointed in not having any grandkids (his only sibling-a brother, is also childless), I felt sad for them all. Mark said that he considered adopting but knew that his parents wouldn't consider that child their "true" grandchild without any genetic tie. He feels pretty pragmatic about it and says that maybe that's the way things will be--just accept how things are and be happy for what life brings. I think that's a lovely view and I appreciate optimism, but it's apparent that his dream isn't totally dead.
If he and I were to couple-up, that dream would certainly be gone. This bod will not produce anymore babies. There's a boy here that would LOVE to have a father, but still....
You know?
I'm probably jumping the gun and making decisions for people that I have no business making. Heck, I haven't even SEEN him yet. This probably will go no further than, "Hey, it's so nice to catch up. Let's stay in touch." But then we really don't.
We made plans to see each other on Saturday, but I'd forgotten about a prior appointment, and as luck would have it, he called and left a message that Saturday would be his last sunny day to finish his yard maintenance duties before the first of five storms predicted for the week would arrive. We both copped out, for acceptable reasons. We left messages for a reschedule.
And that's yet to be arranged.
To be continued....

Embers Raked?

2010-01-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

Hey!

'Member how I said before that I was hoping to rake a few embers from my past to see if I could find a date?

Well, I found an ember that seems a little warm.

He found me on FB. His name is Mark.

Way back when I was 18 or so, I worked at a Pizza parlor in my town. All day long on weekends and after school there was a boy-about 12 years old or so that used to hang out and play video games--Pac Man and Centipede were big then. It was obvious that he had a big crush on me. But please. He was 12. Just a kid. But a sweet kid, did well in school and he played the piano beautifully too.

Eventually I left the pizza parlor. He visited me a few times at the video store where I next worked and then we lost touch.

I do remember one time--he had come to my house. He must have been about 16-17 years old by then. My parents weren't home. And so my brother, sisters and Mark decided to play a drinking game: Quarters. Our drink of choice that evening was Peppermint Schnapps. Well, if you've ever had schnapps, you know you won't be playing quarters long before everyone is slap-happy and slurring. I don't remember much about anyone else, but I do remember that my balance was WAY off, I hit my head on the floor at some point, and then I was upstairs with a quite, ummm, well, determined Mark, doing something most parents expressly tell their kids NOT to do. I couldn't believe I was doing it either--with this kid who suddenly looked and acted so..... grown up! I don't remember much else, except there was more than the usual fumbling with a condom....

I think that's the last time I'd heard from Mark. It's also the last time I've EVER touched Peppermint Schnapps.

But now he's in his 40's, older and wiser and probably a lot more interesting than he was at 16. He never married or had kids (and sounded a little regretful about that). He still plays piano too. We've made plans for coffee or beer--whatever time of day seemed to match the drink of choice, and catch up.

But he's already starting his emails to me with "Hi Beautiful" so I think this has some potential for fun...and maybe more.

The Year of Love

2010-01-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

A few months after T turned 6, I noticed a change in how he related to me.
He looks at me with such longing sometimes.
He makes school projects for me to show me how much he loves me.
He draws pictures of us holding hands surrounded by lots of colorful hearts.
He writes me love notes and even long letters about how much he loves me and misses me when I'm not with him.
He snuggles with me whenever I'm near, or plays with my hair.
He wants to "crumble". (like hugging and wrestling mixed together)
He's genuinely upset if I'm upset--even if it's him that I'm upset with.
He told me recently that I smelled like "fresh air all mixed together with love."

Wow. That really got to me. What a poet.
There are so many little things that he does that show his love and affection. And I drink it up. I save all the pictures, notes and letters. And I will write down the clever things he says here, so I won't forget and will, one day, re-live them again.
I hope this phase lasts a long time. I imagine, from what other parents have warned me, the teenage years will be the opposite. But for now, I will live in the moment.
It's good to have a 6 year old boy. I am blessed.

The Year of Death...and Thoughts on Religion

2010-01-08T12:15:00.000-08:00

When my son was 5, I found he was suddenly SO fearful of death. He didn't want to die. What did it mean to die? Where would you go? A hundred questions that I didn't have really good answers for. Well, actually I thought I had good answers, but nothing I said would reassure him that all was well. He was in a near panic whenever his mind rolled around to the ideas of death and dying--and it happened frequently. I tried to reassure him that we would be together for a long, long time and that he was so healthy, surely he would live to be 120! "120??! I don't want to die at 120! I don't want to die ever. I want to be with you." Oy.
But it got me to thinking about how he looks at death/dying and also just what my thoughts and beliefs were on the subject--AND where religion plays into that. I wanted to tell him of a lovely place where all good people will go when they die. Something wonderful to look forward to. But I wasn't sure how much I believed of it myself. Do I really believe in God, or Jesus or a place called Heaven? I know I want to. I think there is some higher being or force which I'll call God, but I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ was a very influential man with a great message for the masses. But THE son of God? No, I don't think so. I think we are all the children of God--who or what ever that is. There must be a great intelligence that creates such wonderful things in nature, with such obvious order, balance and purpose. To me, Nature is where proof is that "God" exists.
My parents came from families where religion was not a big presence--except how to avoid it. My father's father was not welcome in the Catholic church due to impregnating his girlfriend. Back in the 1920-1930's in Holland religion ruled most behaviour in some way or other. He never lost the need to cross himself before doing something potentially dangerous or risky, but he disliked the church--and sent that message to his children along the way.
My mother's family didn't follow any religion either--the family used to be some sort of Christian faith, but fighting between Catholics and Protestants and trying to rule their respective followers with fear turned off my mother's father so much that he turned his back to all religions.
I went to a few churches with friends as I grew up and didn't really find any one of them that impressed me as a place I needed to go. Again--yelling at the congregation about how they are all sinners and need to repent--a total turn off. I felt I was a good girl and tried my best most of the time. I didn't need some stranger to tell me how I've sinned and I can't help it.
T has asked me a few times if we can go to church on a Sunday. I'm not sure where this idea came from. Probably someone at school. But I'm OK with that. I found a church with English services offered (they have Spanish and Chinese in the hours after) 9:45 AM every Sunday. I think it's a Christian faith, but one place is as good as the next when we're just shopping. So far, I haven't found the energy to get dressed and out the door in time. But we will. Soon.
I feel the need to teach T about faith. It can be a lifeline in times of trouble. Something bigger than yourself to hold on to when life strikes you down. But part of me thinks I'm just telling him a story to delude him so that he can pretend (and really believe) that Good will prevail and God has a plan for each of us. It doesn't feel too different from what I'm doing with believing in Santa Claus. To believe in something magical and amazing and have your wishes come true. The feelings and memories of times with family during the holidays--that right there can sustain a person during some dark days. And if that can help my precious boy during his long, long life then I'll do it.
I sort of envy those that have such a strong faith in their God or believe that Jesus is their savior to return one day.
For me, it's a process.

The Club House And The Slug

2009-12-29T12:35:00.000-08:00

I finally got around to speaking to John, aka, "the slug".
He finished the job, just 6 months after beginning what should have been 2-3 weeks of full time work. S-L-U-G.
He was finally motivated to come and finish 2 days before Xmas so that he could get paid and have some money to spend. But I was in no hurry, and actually quite busy with work and holiday preparations to deal with him. So I put him off a few days, despite his daily phone messages. He caught me by surprise one morning and I answered my phone before looking to see who it was. I promised I'd do the walk-through and get back to him. I'd asked him how much I owed him, having a sort of ball park idea with the notes I'd kept for myself. He said $1400. Oh.
Well, I knew that I had given him a total of $750 so far, subtract that from $1400 and we have $650. I left a message that he could pick up the check and be done with it. I don't want that man coming to my home anymore.
But I was wrong.
Apparently, he had the understanding (nothing was ever written down) that I was to pay him $3000 LABOR and materials would be extra. When he and my brother-in-law quoted that I thought it was labor AND materials. Most of the materials were free (left overs from construction jobs my brother-in-law did), so as that was received I figured "Yay, less money I have to pay of the $3000 I thought this project was going to cost."
Now John says I owe $1400. Well, I'm not prepared to write that check. I don't have it. And, besides, I don't think he deserves full pay for a job that took TOO long to do. I had ideas of my son being able to play there during the summer that he was six years old (and longer). We won't ever get back the summer he was six. And really, how long will he want to play in a clubhouse anyway? I wanted to take advantage of the short time he would revel in such a cool thing. How much does a missed summer cost? There's no price. It's price-less. But the Slug doesn't care too much about that.
I spoke with my brother-in-law today and he says he remembers the conversation on the quote at being $3000 for labor only. That day I gave my B-I-L $400 for materials and agreed to get the job started. I'm not sure where that $400 went, but John says he saw half of it. I suppose, even though the materials were free, I'm expected to pay for the privilege of getting freebies through my connection to him, so I won't argue that. But the $200 to John--I can argue that. He did supply some paint, but I'm pretty sure that didn't come to $200. Or maybe it did. Shit. I hate this. It's giving me a belly ache.
Now I have to argue with John and come to an agreement that neither of us will like.
I think, I'll concede to $1000-1200 and pay him in 2 installments. But I'd rather send it in the mail. Like I said, I don't want him coming 'round any more. He did decent work, but it took TOO long. And there's something about him that feels slimey. Overall, not a good feeling. But he was a friend of my B-I-L's so I went with it.
Lesson learned.
Let's move on.

Xmas Eve Celebration

2009-12-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

Our Santa time is always December 24 eve. I think it was that way in my mom's home when she was a child, or she perhaps made the tradition herself, being a night owl and NOT a morning person. I always felt lucky that Santa, being SO busy that one night made concessions with just our family to stop by our house early so that we could get our presents sooner and not have to wait fitfully through the night, excited as all get-out, and then try to coax our parents out of their bed at the crack of dawn to open the presents. Plus, I look much better in the evening, having cleared up any puffiness and smeared mascara by then. For kids: Any child excited and happy--no such thing as a bad picture.

It was a lovely evening! Whew! I had a few palpitations before the event, given all the fights that happened last year and Dad's thoughts on trying "to get to the bottom of what really happened" last year. But no. No dredging up old crap.
Just my siblings, their families, with my parents hosting our traditional gathering on the eve of the 24th of December. I was the last to arrive, since I worked that day, but I didn't miss too much. A wonderful meal of Bami Goreng (an Indonesian noodle dish--our tradition) with croek poek (shrimp chips) was enjoyed by all and then we settled in to wait for that magic booming knock on the door when Santa would bring presents to the entry.
It was all carefully planned and then almost blown.
Mom asked my sister to make sure all the kids stayed in the family room while she heaved all the wrapped gifts to the front porch. But D went to the bathroom and left "her post" which allowed my much-too-excited-to-sit-still son to peek through the glass of the front door. He said, "Hey, there are presents outside!! Look!!"
Ai, yai, yai. Mom quickly corralled them back into the family room to pay more attention to Frosty the Snowman movie and "be good." Then she stealthily chased outside, banged on the front door and ran back towards the back door to be part of the surprised crowd in awe of what Santa had delivered (not bad for a woman with painful arthritis, I say. And why didn't dad or my brother do it?? Or any other adult with good joints? Sheesh.) But whatever. The kids were super excited and we all brought in the gifts, placed them around the tree and found a chair around the perimeter of the room to partake in the fun of opening presents. I'm usually the one that hands them out, one or two at a time so we all have the chance to ooooh and aaaaah over each one and check out the special smiles when it's something that person was so hoping to receive. T was out of his skin with glee. He wanted to help me, by reading the names and then giving the gifts. Easy enough, but he wasn't so good at balancing it out so that all family members got a chance from time to time, instead of 3 or 4 in a row for one person. But in the end it worked out just great. I always try to have the 2 youngest kids open the last gifts--and that's what worked out. Everyone was happy. Actually some were a little TOO happy. This year, Grammy came (my sister's mother-in-law who lives with them). It was lovely to have her, but boy does she like her wine! And this night, she managed to finish off a whole bottle on her own. Yikes. I think she's used to drinking a glass or two of boxed wine, but maybe she thought the bottle would go to waste if she didn't finish it. All the other drinkers (and yes, even the alcoholics in the family--there are two that I'm aware of, were drinking) were mixing vodka and cranberry juice, so they didn't help with wine drinking. See why I was so nervous? A powder keg potential, I tell ya.
Oh. I guess I answered my own question on why someone with healthy joints didn't play Santa this year. Alcohol in tiny amounts is good, but beyond that it makes for drunks. And some were clearly beyond.
The photo books for my nieces were a big hit. Yay! I was so proud that they loved them. Someone said that with that gift I'd solidified my place as "Aunt-extraordinaire". I'm cool with that.
T's big present was a Wii. He didn't really know what it was in the white box, so for the moment he was SUPER jazzed with the baseball gloves that he got, which he calls "tether ball gloves". And they really work great to hitting the ball harder so that his fists don't feel the impact. Now he'll win against the 3rd graders for sure! Those gloves look pretty fancy, so I'm wondering how long he'll have them if he takes them to school. There are sticky fingers at school, in more ways than one. (Once the Wii was set up the next day, he was hooked, and the tether ball gloves will have to wait their turn).
My big gift was a starter kit for mineral based make-up. I'd been suckered in with an in-store demo and so I thought I'd give it a try. My skin needs more help these days. Darn those sun spots and broken capillaries. Hopefully I'll be able to work the same magic with those brushes that the salesgirl did in the store.
After all the presents were unwrapped, Granny was no longer able to put a coherent sentence together and then slipped down a few steps as she tried to maneuver walking down the stairs. Shortly, she was guided into the back seat of the truck to go home, without her shoes. But I found them just before they left and handed them through the car window to an oblivious Granny.
Everyone left happy. Some too happy. No fights. Just family. Together.
And I took in a big breath and let it out slow, with a big hug for my overjoyed boy.
Mom pulled off yet another wonderful day of memories. Thanks Mom.

Christmas Coming Soon...

2009-12-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

It's been such a busy month!
I've been keeping up with most of my obligations, but juuuust keeping my nose above the waterline, so to speak.
T is in childcare for 2 days this week (the school is out for winter break for 2 weeks), and 2 days next week. He complained about going, but at the end of the day yesterday he was a happy boy. Apparently the 5 year old that bugs him wasn't there. And he gleefully gave me some ornaments made of paper and glitter and popsicle sticks that he'd made just for me. I love being the receiver of these priceless works of art.
For the holiday: I've bought the gifts I needed to do, helped out my mom with her Santa shopping (while trying to remind her most of us are adults and really don't NEED gifts). She just can't be reigned in. It's a time of year she revels in and even though she had done ZERO shopping until last week (due to her car being out for nearly a month) she still managed to get too many things for each of us. Some of my siblings, although fully grown, are still quite immature in their expectations on what "Santa" should bring. Always will be, I expect. Especially when Mom keeps doing it up the way she does, every year.
I work all week this week, except for Christmas. Today, after work, I have to jam to get T from daycare, zip home, bake brownies, divide 'em up and make pretty plates for a few of my neighbors (excluding the jerk across the street--although I thought about overcoming my anger and include them. But... No. Not doing it.) Then bringing all the gifts I wrapped to my parents and hiding them until Santa will be arriving, while keeping some behind around our tree to be found when we arrive back home. We'll be staying the night at my parents, like we usually do. The tradition that has evolved is that we find a few more gifts that Santa has left at our home under the tree and open it up on the morning of the 25th.
Then, the 26th is Mom's birthday and we have plans to take her out with a train trip to SF and see the holiday lights and bustle there. We've done that the last 5 or so years and she loves it. Dad has never come. We kind of don't invite him, although we actually have made it possible a few times for him to come too, but he declines (and Mom is quite tickled about that--it ends up being a stressful day if Dad comes. He's just a stress-tab, more and more as he ages.) Mom needs some peace (and that usually includes time away from Dad) and we try to give her that on her birthday. And a cream puff. GOT to have a cream puff from Beard Papa's. Man! If you have the chance to try one--get the eclair with vanilla custard. Yum-my!
The Playhouse in the backyard is finally finished! The slug came by a few days ago (unannounced, out the blue after a long hiatus) and finished up. He called me as I was waiting for another call, so I cut him short. He called again yesterday and left a message about how I was supposed to do a "walk through and then pay him, hopefully before the holiday." Well, I just don't feel like being in any kind of hurry--given he took SIX MONTHS to do a 2-3 week job. I have NO idea how much money he'll want, but I don't' think it should be much. I've already paid him quite a sum. We shall see...once I get around to speaking to him.
The rest of the backyard is a muddy mess. I won't be able to get the tether ball pole up by the end of the year. It's just too wet and yucky. But Dad did make a nice 9 x 12 foot planter box, so I can start shoveling dirt into it and get some things going. But the rain and mud make it impossible right now. It will happen by Spring or before, I hope.
My computer is on its last legs. I got a message from it recently that said there was very little space on the virtual memory or something like that. That makes me nervous. So I don't want to upload anything to upset the whole thing. I need to make CDs of all the information I have stored and all the pictures (I've just put all my pictures on Shutterfly, in case some virus attacked my files or something horrible like that) but I really should make my own CDs for safe storage and access. Speaking of Shutterfly...those photo books I created for my nieces turned out SO nice. I'm quite proud of them. I hope my nieces like them too. While I was at it, I made a nice calender featuring my favorite subject: T. I called it: T Being Five and Six Years Old. I made a copy for us, my parents and my cousin in Holland (who has always had a special bond with me). I feel quite confident now with my new skills (and the countless hours I spent on those books!) and may offer up my time and energy to create a yearbook for T's first grade class. One of the parents made one for the kinder year and it's one of T's favorite books to look through. If someone doesn't come up with the idea before I offer, I'm definitely going to do it. The class has a yahoo group and so far parents have been posting their pictures up of the field trips and various events at school. It should be easy with all that material compiled in one place.
I'll be shopping for a new computer in the new year. Probably another PC, since that's all I know. I hear Macs are user friendly, but I'm chicken to step out of my PC comfort zone.
I hope you all have had/will have a lovely Christmukkah!
God Bless you all.

A Visit With Santa

2009-12-10T10:43:00.001-08:00

When visiting Santa recently we accidentally went on "Santa Paws" night and no kids were allowed--only pets.

Thanks to some generous pet owners we didn't leave disappointed and even had a much cuter pose with Santa and some one's canine "child". Fortunately, T has suddenly stopped panicking around dogs and anything with a potential to nip or bite him. Whew! If this change of heart is really cured, maybe we can get a doggie of our own. T is already asking....

This year, T is asking Santa for Apples to Apples game and also "tether ball gloves". They can't be found in any sporting goods store, as my mom found out. They are just regular knitted gloves so that T can hit the ball harder without hurting his knuckles. He's what's called a "hard ball" on the school tether ball court, he said proudly--and with gloves he can hit the ball even better!

The backyard is still a mud pit, but I did get the tether ball set and it's hidden in the garage until I get it cemented in place in the yard. Hopefully by Xmas...

Knock, knock....

2009-12-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive that you came for a visit at my humble blog!

OK, I made that one up, but for really cute jokes, visit this site I found.

Here is a great site for knock-knock jokes. It's easy to memorize a few and spring them on your friends, or your kids and their friends! Instant smiles for everyone.

http://www.azkidsnet.com/JSknockjoke.htm

Brain block

2009-11-23T13:14:00.001-08:00

Every day, just about, I want to post something to share.
T comes up with stories that I think are excellent ingredients for a good blog post...but when I get to the computer I can only remember a few lines of the conversation and then writing down what I do remember makes for a sucky post. So...silence on the blog. But really, there is quite a bit of things I could say.
I found a site that has a ton of knock-knock jokes. Ok, maybe not a ton, but there are 170. Plenty to keep us busy. T has picked his favorites, that he can remember and he'll spring it on it teacher and friends this week.
I decided I HAVE to do something in the interim to make my backyard habitable while I collect funds to put my plans into action. My dad came over yesterday and together we did quite a bit of digging and prep work for getting the backyard in decent shape again. The "club house" is still in limbo. The slug hasn't shown for 2 weeks, despite my phone calls. T had a tough time seeing some of the old plants (rose bushes and rosemary) get pulled out and placed in the green garbage. He hates to see anything go. Anything. Even if it means it makes room from new plants, and a beautful garden WITH a tetherball! Or new toys. Whatever it is. It's like a death to see it go. Although it's a pain to deal with at the time of "separation" from the old thing, I think it's a good sign about what it means to be T. I think his being attached to the things in his little world means he has a sensitive heart. He has "soul", if that makes any sense. Because as wild and crazy as my boy can be, it's sometimes hard to fetter out that he really feels deeply for anything that doesn't have an immediate positive impact on him. Not sure that makes sense, but I think I know what I'm trying to say.
He was all pouty and upset with the changes and loss of our roses. But he was over it in about 30 minutes. I can't wait to put the tetherball up for him. Should be all done in the next 3-4 weeks.

New words..and how to use them

2009-11-12T17:04:00.000-08:00

While exiting the freeway that runs near the aiport, there's an excellent view of the runway and the jets taking off and landing.
T says "You see that? Isn't that adorable?"

Adorable? Jets? An airport? Maybe it is!

I love the new vocabulary he picks up...and the creative ways he uses it.
The PBS cartoon "Martha Speaks" is excellent for learning new words, btw (and fun to watch too).

Bullets

2009-10-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

I’ve been using every available computer time for the past 8 days in creating the first of 3 photo books. I’m in the zone! The first one is the largest—about 300 pictures from my trip to NYC and Paris with my niece. I haven't tried other products, but sh*tterfly is making it easy to artistic. Boy, are my nieces going to be excited at Christmas! I can hardly keep it a secret.

Last Sunday, we went to a pumpkin patch. T played on all the slides and jumpy houses until he was covered in sweat and smiles. And we found two perfect pumpkins for carving! (pictures to follow)

The slug comes occasionally, but doesn’t seem to get much done on the club house. Hence, reinforcing the nick name. But it’s too late in the progress/process to hire someone else. I’m getting sooo tired of this project. (pictures to follow soon-ish)

T will be a zombie for Halloween. I usually dress up too, but I think I’ll just be wearing a black T-shirt that says “Happy Halloween” this year. Maybe I’ll paint a pumpkin on my face….

I’m really digging the volunteer time at T’s school. I work with 5th graders (about 10 years old) with reading—and most need help. It’s so rewarding to see the improvements. And I’m finding and donating clothing items and other sundries to the Student Store. Mom has been EXCELLENT at scouring Goodwill and Savers stores for cheap items. This is a store where kids can spend their “Tiger Tickets” for merchandise. They earn the Tiger Tickets with good behavior and making good choices. Plus, I’m still in T’s class, mostly helping the readers with the greatest need.

My brother still has not looked for a job. I’ve given him until April 1st to pull it together, but either way, he’ll be finding a new place to live. Tough love, baby.

I did a voice over for a presentation on infertility for those that are looking to start treatment. I was a little nervous and sometimes I stuttered, but, it turned out pretty nice. Now, not only can I be found on the Internet, but one can also hear my voice (even though I’m anonymously speaking!). Well, I know it’s me. :)

The Tooth Fairy And The Storm

2009-10-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

Everyday, all day, T asks to play a game--any game. If there's no game handy, he'll make up a game with a handful of rules that I have to pay attention to, but not necessarily him (since it's his game, he argues). Oh and sometimes I get to make up a rule too, but he gets veto power if he would rather another rule take it's place.

His favorite games lately are "Two square" which is really taking turns hitting a a big rubber ball on a wall. And lots of "rock, paper, scissors" (aka ro-sham-bo)to determine who gets to serve this time. Often we have to do this multiple times to see who wins twice. He also loves "Hang man", which is great for learning about spelling and penmanship. And it works during car rides too. Then there's any kind of cards. He's great at dealing and getting better at shuffling. Again, the rules might change as we go along, but he's pretty good at remembering the changes and reminding ME of them too. Often. He loves to be in charge and in control. Hmmmm. Where does he get that from? He also loves to play games on PBSkids.org. That's such a great site for kids. He really doesn't need me to play, but loves having my attention and the inevitable and frequent cheering I always do.

Where is she going with this?, you might be thinking...

Anyway....yesterday we were playing Two Square up against the garage door. Whenever we play, he's come to know that there is always something I have to do and play time will be cut shorter than he wants (Someone has to clean the house and cook dinner, not that he cares.). This time we were using a soccer ball as the favorite rubber ball popped under the stress of finding a big fat thorn on our lemon tree. I was able to play much longer this time because in my mind I knew I was going to make some sort of dinner out of the odd ends of left overs. (It ended up being Tuna Melts with tomatoes--yummy!) After a good long time of play, Oma drove up for a visit. It's always fun when my mom comes. We all decided to take a break and have a cup of tea. Mom also brought a dark chocolate bar to share along side the tea. In short time, tea was served and the bar pieced out. I barely sat down to chit chat with mom, when suddenly T yelled out "Mom!" He was sitting on the couch (against my better judgement because I could immediately see the tea being spilled all over) watching The Aristocats while he kept one ear on our conversation with his tea cup balanced on a pillow on his lap. What happened???, I think, as my mind races a thousand directions.

Well, thank goodness the tea (tepid with milk and sugar, btw) was still clutched properly in his little fingers. But the other hand was on his mouth along with a curious look on his face. Apparently he had bitten into the square of chocolate and that was all it took to knock out that slightly wiggly tooth he's had. It was nearly out. Oh, I could hardly stand it. I wanted to just yank it, but he said, "No. I can do it." The more he touched it the more it bled. And I SO wanted to "help" him. My brother said he'd give him a dollar if T could pull it out. And then my mom chimed in and said she would pony up a dollar too. Well, now it's ON! He put his tea carefully on the table and went to the bathroom mirror to check it out. Yep. It was nearly out. T was excited but also fearful of potential pain...and blood. I said I just want to feel it (but I guess he knows me by now), so he reminded me, again, that he could do it. Oooooo. Ok, hands off.

And then, suddenly, it was out. In his little hand. Baby tooth #5. He was so proud. See...

And he received his booty of $2 for his courage. He asked if he could put it in his piggy bank and, of course, I said yes. He doesn't really have to ask but it makes it more ceremonious if everyone comes to watch. He placed the treasured tooth in his silver tooth box and placed it under his pillow. Surely, the tooth fairy will come tonight and then he'll get even MORE money!
T decided he didn't want to eat any more of that chocolate. Clearly, it was too hard for his little teeth. But he finished his tea. And the next cup too.

But what about the storm? It's coming.

For days we've been warned by every meteorologist about the coming storm. It's a doozy. The first one of the season and it's going to be dumping MAJOR rain. It's coming from the North, so it'll be colder than normal and it's mixing with tail of a typhoon from the South, so LOTS and LOTS of rain. Well, that's good news for our perpetually parched earth. We are always being reminded to conserve water--shorter showers, grass is not as thirsty as you think, please plant drought-friendly plants, etc. So rain is welcome, right? But oh! This will be a BIG storm, so get ready. Pick up your sand bags, clear the gutters, don't drive if you don't have to. It was so nice on Monday--the calm before the storm. By the evening the big dark clouds were rolling in off the Pacific Ocean, just like the satellite pictures predicted. It was kinda cool to anticipate. I kept looking outside to see if it hit yet. I put the boy to bed at the usual time, and sat down at my computer to organize and arrange my pictures. I have 3 projects I am making myself do--online prepared scrap books. I've procrastinated enough! It's my first time, but I've seen others do it and it turns out really nice. Two books will be on the vacations I've taken each of my nieces (Paris and then Kauai), which I'm very late in creating. And the third one is for my son. I plan to make a homemade book with pictures and narration on "THE STORY OF ME, and how I came to be.". It's a convoluted story and I want it to be told like a children's bedtime story, to be enjoyed with actual pictures of me and all the people who were key in each stage of the challenges I'd overcome to create him. And of course, lots of pictures of him. In my mind, it's beautiful. Hopefully, it will be just as nice in reality.
Anyway...I went to bed way after midnight. No storm yet.

But by morning it was raging!! I know--rain is no big deal to most of the world, but we Californians are wimps. We don't get much for weather (which is why we all love to live here) so when we get RAIN that looks like it's coming down in BUCKETS--dense enough to see the wind gust and swirl...it's something to stare at in awe and amazement. All kinds of road problems ensue, power outages, flash flood warnings, downed trees, and mud slides. It's something we should be better prepared for, but every year, we have the same troubles. I love the smell outside when it rains. Everything seems so...um...shiney and clean. I was enjoying this storm.

T woke up a little earlier than usual for school. Immediately he started playing a game--and goading me into playing too. This time: hang-man, while I fixed his lunch and our breakfasts. Suddenly, he twists around and says, "Mama! I wonder if the tooth fairy came!!!"

Oh crap.

I'd been so busy with all the pictures and uploading and arranging, that I totally forgot to be the Tooth Fairy!

Think. Quickly!

"Um, T...it' really stormy out and it's been that way all night. I know sometimes the Tooth Fairy can't make it in really rainy, stormy weather."
"But, she's invisible!" he says.
"Well, when it rains a lot her wings get wet and she can't fly."

Phew.

He says, after the slightest pause..."Well, let's go check!"

Uh...OK.

So we both go and find the little silver box under his pillow. And, wouldn't you know it? The tooth was still in the box. (I felt awful. Bad mama. Bad, bad mama.)

But T just shrugs and says, "Well, that's OK. I already have 2 dollars, so I that's alright."

"Yeah", I say, "But more money is even better! I bet she'll come tonight, if the weather is better." He agrees, but he's not phased or upset. But I am.

The storm seems to have passed now, and the weather is agreeable for the Tooth Fairy to make it to our house. She's coming tonight. For sure.

A Letter From My Son

2009-10-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, while in the shower (scrubbing my filthy-but-thank-god-he's-home cat), my son came to me and said, "Mama, when you are done with your shower, come and look at what I did on the computer." He seemed quite proud of himself. I told him I would be there soon.

A few minutes later, he escorted me towards to computer screen. And this is what he typed, all by himself. He even opened a new Word document, all on his own.

I love you mom because you are sweet to me and you are not being mean to me. the end thank you. because you are being nice to me. ok its the end. bye bye. Seallater. ok now i am done.

I love you. ok iam done.

Pretty good for a 6 year old!
What a little angel. It's moments like this that make up for all the difficult times when I'm scratching my head for the next best disciplinary action I can take to get his behavior to improve.

I think we're doing OK.

ok i am done.

He's BAAAAACK!!!

2009-10-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

My kitty has been found!!!!
I worked all day today and went straight over to my parents to pick up my son.
After dinner, we headed home.
When we arrived, there was a note taped on my front door that read:
"Good news! Hans has been found! He is being housed at Mimi's house. Love, Pat and Jen."
Mimi lives 2 doors down from us!
I freaked out and immediately started squealing that Hans had been found. T thought I was hurt at first and then he was just as giddy as I was. We took off running down the street to collect our kitty cat. But Mimi wasn't home. Bummer. But I can't blame a girl for going out on a Saturday night! I left her a note that she should call me when she gets in and that we were SO HAPPY Hans was found!
In the mean time I went to my neighbors, Pat and Jen, to get the scoop. Apparently Hans has spent the majority of the past 6 days in the backyard of my other neighbor--2 doors down and across the street. Bob had noticed him in his backyard last Sunday (the day he went missing) and then he was gone a couple days, but came back. Bob didn't know he was missing. I hadn't gone out to blanket the street and had only told 4-5 neighbors so far. I had planned to go door-to-door tomorrow and put the word out to look for a cat I was sure would be dead (or near dead) at this point. Today Bob became curious about this kitty hanging out in his backyard and decided to pick up the cat and look at the collar ID. Then he walked to the front. My other neighbors suddenly started chatting "There's Hans! He's been missing!" Bob hadn't realized I was missing my pet. Apparently, Hans was loving all the attention, according to Pat and Jen.
Mimi called me a little later and I came over to get him. His paw pads are a little worn and he's very, very skinny--but he seems totally fine. Mimi said he ate a whole bowl of cat food at her house. When I saw him he just sat there in the middle of Mimi's room. But after 30 seconds or so, he walked over to me--and I scooped him and up!
I'm SO happy my neighbors were all looking out for me and my kitty.
Finally, I know what happened to Hans. He survived for 7 nights and 6 days on his own, just a stone's throw from home. I don't think he had any food, but must have found enough water to keep him alive. He did much better than I thought he would.
Big, big sigh.....
Welcome home Hans.
The pressure over my heart is lifted and life in our house is as it was.
Darn good.

Nothing

2009-10-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

Nada. No kitty.
I've posted on Craig's list, the Humane Society and 2 different Animal shelters. I've visited the shelters too--he's not there.
It's been 6 nights and he's still missing. I imagine the worst--either some psychopath is torturing him to death or he's been killed by a car. He had a collar on so if someone with a heart found him, they'd have called me by now. I wish I'd had him "chipped". Then I could rest assured that if any shelter found him, they could easily reunite us.
What ever has happened, I need to know. I need to see his body, so I can know the last place he went to.
I used to think of my cat as just a cat--plucked out of a litter of other cats. Same blank look on his face as every other cat and behaved not unlike a ba-zillion other cats in personality. But after searching through SO many cats, I've realized that MY cat was very unique. A needle in a haystack. And no other cat will do. Finding HIM and only him will be able to quell this empty pressure sitting on my heart. I can't stop glancing everywhere when I drive through my neighborhood. I need to find him.
I'm losing hope that he might just wander back to home, but please. Let me find him SOMEwhere.
T is not upset at all, though. His first response to realizing Hans was gone was, "Well, I guess we just have to get another one!" He just doesn't seem to care one way or another. I think he's concerned that I might be sad over our missing pet (although I noticed he calls Hans "your cat", instead of owning him also). The truth is he's been more fearful of being nipped by our cat than had the opportunity to bond with him. Only once was he brave enough to allow Hans to sit on his lap. I took pictures of the event--not thinking it wouldn't ever happen again. T is afraid of all animals and goes into a near panic if a dog wants to play and chases him or gets too close and tries to lick him. I think he's settling down now and doesn't panic quite so quickly, but it's a slow process.

LOST!

2009-09-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'm very distraught today.
My kitty cat, who had been my housemate ever since I bought my house, 14 years ago, has vanished. Through those 14 years he's been my mostly silent partner (talks to me most mornings but quiet the rest of the day and night) to cuddle with in the evenings. I'd never been a "cat person" before, (and honestly HATE the cat hair everywhere!) but when I moved on my own, I needed someone to be there with me. That was Hans (named after the Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates movie I'd watched the night before I found him at the animal shelter). He is a beautiful cat with bright blue eyes, slightly cross-eyed. A look that made him even more endearing to me. His favorite place to be was in my lap, purring and cuddling. And he was really good at getting his paws around my arms or neck to get in a better cuddle. He'd been de-clawed long ago, and so he was strictly an in-door kitty. In the last few years, I'd gotten lazy and allowed him to wander the backyard garden when he wanted to lay in the sun. A few times he got out the front door--but when he did, within a short time I would see him sitting on the window sill waiting to be let back in. I think he knew our immediate neighborhood well enough to find his way back.
Last Sunday evening I was taking out garbage from the backyard through the garage. The door was open--and I remember him wandering about. But that's the last time I saw him. He never came back home.
He has a collar with his name and ID information--but no one has called.
I have to think the worst by now. Either he got hit by a car or someone has him. But if someone has him, they would have called me by now, wouldn't they? Some co-workers have said that when cats get old or sick they just disappear and sometimes you can find them in small spaces after they've died.
I just can't imagine that happened. He seemed quite well. A little older, belly hanging a bit, thinning around the hips, but still had energy to chase fantasy mouses and bugs now and again.
I put up a Lost Cat notice on the Animal Humane Society web site, but I don't have high hopes that I'll hear anything.
I just keep pacing my home, looking in all the hiding spaces he's known to sleep in and checking several times a night for the shadow of my cat to be there on the other side of the window or door.
I hope I find him soon. I feel awful.
If he died in our home due an illness or being old, that's expected. But for him to die on his own or due to my negligence--that's hard to swallow.

The Unintentional Compliment

2009-09-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned. Actually the one doing the work was the hygienist who just happens be be a very close friend. She felt the "all around" X-ray of my teeth/jaw was needed this visit too. So, I was escorted into a small closet-type space with a device dangling about the level of my mouth. Before she positioned the X-ray machine she asked me, "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" Immediately I grinned. Then I had to stop myself from breaking out into a fit of laughter ('cause when I laugh, I've been told, people hear it--from great distances--in a good way....so they say).
Then, a few days later, I was having my routine mammogram. The woman in charge who would shortly compress what God gave me into the thickness of your average buttermilk pancake (in TWO different directions, mind you!), asked me "Any chance you could be pregnant, or are you trying to become pregnant?"
Yowza! Really? I love that you asked! That means that you think I might actually be having sex with someone. (I'm not, but it's already exciting that someone THINKS I might be.) AND that you think I'm young enough that I could get pregnant!
Wow. You couldn't have said a nicer thing.

Small confession: I'm 47. But my ovaries think I'm old enough to collect social security.
And I'll deny my age at almost any occasion. It's a hang-up. I know. I'm working on it. But, it's a big step that I wrote it here and am sharing it with you. ;)

The Garage Sale

2009-09-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

I got up before 6AM to start putting things out and try to come up with prices for things along the way. My mom spent the night so she was up early along with me. It was more fun together. Fortunately T slept until 8:30! Totally unusual for him, but turned out excellent for me! I was afraid he'd be freaking out at all of his toys and clothes out for sale. He kept telling me all summer that just because he doesn't play with a toy for a long time, it's not because he doesn't want it--he just forgot about it for a while. "So don't sell it, OK Mama?"
It didn't matter that I tried to justify that if we sold the baby toys that means we had more room in our house for NEW toys. Uh-uh. What's mine is mine, in the eyes of a 6 year old. And that means forever.
He came out of the house, fully dressed in the outfit he picked out all by himself (I usually pick out the clothes, so they match). But he didn't do a bad job! Nice job T! And he wasn't freaking out with all the stuff set out to sell. He admitted that he was scared of having a garage sale before, but he's not scared anymore. Whew!
My brother also woke up semi-early and helped quite a bit. Plus he made all the brightly colored signs and put them up in the neighborhood, strung colorful flags across the driveway and placed helium balloons around the yard with the words "Garage Sale" on them.
The customers started coming at 7:45!!! Sheesh. I knew they'd come early, but I specifically said in my Craig's List posting that I was open at 9AM!! After a while I was afraid I was missing too many opportunities and I started to sell stuff at 8:30.
Every thing went really well! There were no super-pushy people that tried to haggle to a ridiculously low price (well, OK there was one woman but she didn't get away with super expensive item.). I think I sold about 2/3 of the stuff I had. Including a lady's fur coat from the 1960's that mom had brought over! Even the neighbor across the street, whom I don't really speak to anymore, broke the silence and came over to buy a tricycle and a Leapster alphabet toy. So we chatted and I feel things are OK between she and I. (Still not speaking to her husband, but I've decided to stop being angry and will occasionally wave to them if they're outside.).
In total, I made $482!!! That's amazing! My mom and I split it 50/50. She helped a lot with the sale, and if I'm being honest...she probably bought most of the stuff I was selling! My brother made a few bucks selling some of his old fishing rods--so he was happy with that. And T did great taking the money and putting it in the drawer. He even learned to figure out and make change to give back to the customer. We'll have to work on his eye contact during the transactions--but he did great! He was all about collecting money. That boy LOVES to take money and put it in his piggy bank. Something he's picked up from me, I think. I mean, where else would it come from? Or maybe it's an inherited trait? Either way, it's a good habit to learn, huh?

Friday

2009-09-18T14:16:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm excited. The slug working on the club house has shown up 3 days this week and gotten some real work done. It's gettin' there. I still haven't spoken to him since he generally gets there after I leave and packs up before I come home. I'm sure he'll call me when he needs money.
Dad made a surprise visit to my house just before dinner time. I called mom, who had not quite yet arrived as expected and asked what was going on. She said, "Oh he's been talking about how much he missed T and said he might come by." So with the whole gang at my house, I opted for the easy dinner choice: Pizza. So I picked up a couple at Round Table (the best pizza I know!) armed with my 15% off coupon. I got $7 off my order and then the owner gave me back my coupon so I could use it another time! Wasn't that sweet? I told him I certainly would use it! Thanks, fella! Hmmm...was he flirting with me, or making it more likely a good customer would come back? Who knows.... But I like it when a man gives me a special treat with a beautiful smile. He's kinda cute, too. Now, I know what you're thinking. But, I don't think there's any potential. Well, OK. We'll just see how the next visit to the pizza parlor goes.
My mom stayed over last night with the intent of getting things going for the yard sale...but then Survivor was starting and we got all excited. Dad took his cue and left. He hates Survivor--all that conniving and back stabbing. I defend myself: It's entertainment, not life lessons to live by.
So much for doing actual work. We grinned at each other and sat down on the sofa. We were horrified with one contestant--a mean, manipulating, multi-millionaire who owns his own oil factory, for goodness sakes! We want him booted off ASAP! He's doing things like dumping his team-mates water out of their canteens, burning their socks in the fire while they sleep, and telling lies everywhere. Anything to make everyone tired, cranky, on edge and in a fighting mood. He's a mole. Only two people see him as the conniving SOB that he is--and one of them was voted off--totally due to the mole's (also known as Russell) nasty lies. He's horrible. I can't believe that ANYONE in the business world would want to work with him. He's completely untrustworthy, and an ASS. We'll see how things go. I'm going to keep tuning in. I'm a fan. A total fan to this show. And also to the Biggest Loser. LOVE that show! I've made it a rule, thanks to Bob, to do sit-ups, or squats with weights during every commercial break. And those breaks are LONG, I tell you. Didn't they used to be, like, every 15 minutes or so we'd have 2 minutes, 2 seconds of commercials before the regularly scheduled programming came back? Not anymore. I haven't actually timed it, but I think it's more in the range of 8 minutes--with about 8-10 minutes of the DESIRED programming thrown in between commercials. What happened to the rules?? They didn't ask the public to weigh in on it, because I KNOW we all would have said no to that change. But when you use the time to workout--it does, or will, bring great benefit to my legs and bum! If only I could stick to that rule with EVERY TV program I watch. So far, it's only with the Biggest Loser. They inspire me. :)
Wish me luck with the hard-bargaining yard sale shoppers tomorrow.

So slow....

2009-09-14T23:31:00.001-07:00

The progress on the "club house" in my backyard is SO slow. The guy I hired to do the job rarely shows. He has no car either! You just can't do much without a car around here! And when he does find someone to drive the 30 minutes it takes to get to my house, he stays for an hour or two tops, and then he's gone again. I know he doesn't like working here when my lazy-ass brother is here 100% of the time watching TV and never offering to help. It's not something I'm proud of--but knowing my brother, it's predictable. He's lazy and just loves to cut someone down when he can. He had lots to hand down in how the electrical work was being done. But then, for Pete's sake, can he HELP him do it right instead of just point out all the wrong doings and non-code short cuts? It's not so much the information, but how he says it. Demeaning.
But still. The guy should have been done by now. It's a small project and he started it the first week of July. He had some valid excuses (his mother took ill and he had to make sure she was place in home, dialysis going, etc...) but the work is not getting done. He said she was settled weeks ago. Now, I just don't even want to talk to him. So I called my brother in law (the one that recommended this slug-handyman) and he gave him what-for over the phone. And THAT'S why he materialized in my backyard today. Damn. I was kind of looking forward to firing him and hiring the contractor my neighbor used. She can't say enough nice things on what he'd done for them with their home remodel. Oh well. The expectation is that the slug will finish this week (according to my B-I-L). I sure hope so. The weather has been weird and we've had some nasty thunderstorms and rain. I'd like to get my stuff settled and out of whatever weather comes our way.
In the vein of getting my stuff moving...I'm having a garage sale this Saturday. What a pain. Lots of prep work. But I've got to clear out the garage and organize it so my brother's stuff can vacate the still post-demolition backyard and then some REAL work can start in creating my dream outdoor space. I'll post some pictures of the transformation soon. So far, I've just got before shots and some from the jack hammer day. It's a mess.

Thank you PW!

2009-09-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

I've become a die-hard fan of Pioneer Woman (aka PW by some). She's AMAZING. Honestly, I don't know how she finds the time to do all she does and then blog about it all. And she homeschools too! Her blog is some good clean fun. She has some helpers (and that's my excuse for why she is able to put such a blog together, but really she can't be human. But no. She is.) I've learn a bunch about taking great pictures, and even more valuable--how to mess with 'em in Photoshop so that they pop off the page, or screen.
Last night I tried her recipe for Shrimp Quesedillas. It seemed so simple. So I stopped by the market on my way home from work, grabbed some shrimp and mexican red sauce and headed for home (mom picked T up from school to bring him to Tae Kwon Do, and then back home). Within 45minutes I whipped out a wonderful, totally new-to-me meal. I felt pretty proud. Everyone loved it.
If you haven't checked her out, please do.
PS. She didn't pay me to write that. She doesn't know I exist (I'm pretty sure).

Love, and raking up embers

2009-09-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

I've been reading blogs and taking the time to read long ago published posts. It's fun to get to know my new friends; to find common ground and learn what makes them different from anyone else. I like my new friends. And some don't even know I exist (at least I think so...).
Some of my friends have had the most beautiful things happen to them. There has been sadness and even some tragic news, but I'm finding myself more attracted to the stories on the miracle of love lately. There have been more than a few of these stories in the past weeks. I'm SO happy to hear about it. I drink it in. I need it too. I surely do. I'm ready for it to be now.
Love. It's like a drug, isn't it? I'm so happy to read that it really happens to folks doing the same sort of thing that I do. Regular women. Strong women. Smart women. I think I'm slowly beginning to accept that the only male I might love is the six year old that calls me Mama. And I'm not knocking that, but you know what I mean....
I didn't realize why at the time, but a few months ago I started trolling the search box on Faceb**k for friends from long ago. It's fun to connect with old friends. But more and more I was looking for ex-boyfriends, male friends from the old neighborhood, anyone that I might have been attracted to before. I know, it's like recycling. But I knew them once and there's a sense of shared history, making it more comfortable from the start. Most, curiously, are not on FB. And they don't come up on a G0Ogle search either. I guess I fell for guys that were mostly not computer fans. I've found one--but he hasn't "friended" me yet. Maybe he senses what my motives might be. This is the first time I've tried to contact him in over 20 years. I had heard he married, and has kids (I can clearly see them in his posted FB pic) but marriages often break up--one never knows. Or rather, hope never dies...Depending on your perspective. He lives in another state, so he's not even geographically desirable, but I'm just looking for a little excitement. Some emailing, sharing of stories and highlights of the last 20 or so years. But nothing. I can't find any embers to rake!
I wonder if the next 10 years will be just like the last, romantically. A big fat ZERO. Oh, except for that guy that I dated a few times, after reconnecting at the high school reunion. I was SO ready for love, it surprised me how quickly I fell for him (since I'd known him since the 3rd grade!), but he was just getting out of marriage #2 and his heart needed more time to heal. I knew all this, but he seemed ready ('cause that's what I wanted) since it was HE that came to me. Rebound stuff, I guess. And that event happened EIGHT years ago. I'm sure his heart is all better now, but I still haven't heard a word. I know roughly where to find him (thanks to the update in address information at the last reunion), but I can't go to his home and make up some story about how I was just in the neighborhood. If he wanted me, he knows how to find me. I've lived at the same place for the last 14 years and I'm totally G00glable. *sigh*

So, I'm putting it out there to the Internet and the Universe:
I want to fall in love.

The other shoe dropped

2009-09-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

Now it's Dad's turn:
Tuesday, my dad phoned early in the morning and asked if I could accompany him to his doctor's appointment in Urology. He forgot about the appointment the day before and the doctor had called him to make sure we got in to discuss his diagnosis and possible treatment plan. The first thought I had was "It's starting. The march towards death is beginning." Breathe. Breathe again.
That already doesn't sound good.
It just so happened I had the day off (as I work this Saturday) so I had all day for this. Other nameless errands can be put off.
Mom decided to come too. Six ears are better than 2, I say!
When Dr. Harris came in I was pleasantly surprised. He was quite charming and totally cute. Just the kind of guy I'd like to date--no wedding ring, decent physical shape, a little on the short side, but I'm willing to overlook that, nice smile, beautiful blue eyes...) I started day dreaming immediately. But pulled it together quick enough--I only lost the first 20-30 seconds of the introductions. :)
Aww. He's probably gay. But maybe not. How can I find out? Isn't this way inappropriate??
Anyway....
Dad has prostate cancer. He had bladder cancer last Spring but that was totally unrelated to this, according to the cute doc. We were told that 100% of men that reach 90 have prostate cancer, and about 2/3 of men in their 70's have it. Dad is 78. So this was expected, I guess. Good thing is that prostate cancer is the slowest growing cancer known to man (or woman). He layed out the treatment options: surgery, radiation, hormone therapy or expectant (do nothing and continue to monitor PSA blood tests). All treatment plans except the last one have side effects, and it didn't sound too appetizing.
So after all the talk and questions answered, Dad decided on just following the PSA tests every 6 months and if they spiked unexpectedly he might consider the hormone therapy. That sounded about right to me too. It's weird that you wouldn't treat cancer aggressively, knowing that something else is much more likely to threaten the life of a 78+ aged man. Scary to stare down at death's door.
Dad had a bone scan done a few weeks ago and the results were inconclusive. He may or may not have cancer metastasized to the right femur, but it was impossible to tell by the scan alone. Dad has no symptoms. So that's good.
But dad is very good at denial of any diagnosis. He calls it being "Christian Science--like" and just thinking positive about health. Letting God or the universe take care of it. It doesn't really help when the diagnosis is diabetes and so there is no effort to change diet or exercise routines. Dad has always been passionate about 2 things: Food and music. So I don't see him changing his ways on account of a little thing like DM II ("number two" he says--like it's a little thing and way less serious than DM I. I guess it is in many cases, but still shouldn't be discounted either!)
Dr. Harris asked if I could be present at all future visits since dad's memory isn't as good as it used to be and to help explain things should he forget. Dad seemed a bit surprised that he would make that request. I guess it's more obvious to others than just my mom and I. But I'm listed as the go-to girl in both their Advance Directives and Trust/will so I really should be there and hear things from "the horse's mouth" instead of relying on what dad tells me is going on.
I wrote Dr. Harris an email the next day and gave him my contact information to be place in my dad's chart. (And of course, I fantasized that he might continue to chat with me socially. Ha! It's desperation...as you can see I've got nothin' going on in that department.)
After the visit we had a nice cup of coffee at my house and then walked over to the nearby Chinese restaurant for a lovely lunch that dad sprung for.
In a couple of weeks he'll undergo another cystoscopy to check on the bladder cancer treatment success.

So far, so good

2009-08-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, Mom was in the ED for over 6 hours last night.
They did an EKG, CT scan, a couple of chest Xrays (why one, let alone two?? Something about looking at her heart), blood tests, urine tests, more blood tests, and LOTS of blood pressure readings with continuous pulse oximetry. And after all that, to her understanding, she was OK. They said that they couldn't be totally sure about any brain bleed unless they did a spinal tap. And Mom, knowing that it could make her persistent headache much worse, said "Nope. Lets call the testing done." They forgot to feed her (but eventually got a sandwich) and after the warm blankets she didn't feel too much like a popsicle being scrutinized in a tiny room with with crazy bright florenscent lighting. She said everyone (but one guy) was so sweet to her and she really felt well cared for. Thank goodness for that. I take it personally when the place I work doesn't do a stellar job in caring for any patient--let alone one that's my mother.
So, now I hope that the darned headache (and generally yuck feeling) goes away and she's back to being her chipper self.

Mom and the Thunderclap Headache

2009-08-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday my mom, T and the three guys from Holland took the train up to SF for a day of touring, cable car riding and general exploring.
At one point we were walking down Powell and saw an elevator on the outside of the Fairmont Hotel. It looked like a fantastic vantage point to check out SF from high up. But to get to the entrance of the hotel we had to hike up Sacramento Street. From Powell looking up, it appeared to be at a 45 degree angle. Yikes. But only one city block, so we crossed the street and started the climb. We were all huffing and puffing in no time, and all conversation ceased without the breath to speak. Near the top of the hill, mom started to moan and said there was a knife inside her skull to the right side. It stabbed her with every heart beat. We were all pretty worried but she seemed to be recovering quickly, once we had her sit down, catch her breath and drink some water. And then a woman from the hotel staff walked by and said she used to get bad headaches when she wasn't used to walking the hills too. So we all felt a little better with that bit of information.
An hour or so later we at Lombard Street. She had been waiting there as she arrived in a cable car ahead of me. We decided to walk down the crookedest street and then take a picture from the bottom. No trouble here. Nice views too.
But when we were walking up the steps, Mom suddenly fell. This is always scary since she's been diagnosed with osteoporosis and has broken both elbows with falls in the past. She said her "leg just gave out" and she hadn't tripped. Thank goodness she didn't break a bone but her wrist was sort of sore.
The rest of the day she seemed absolutely fine. We did a LOT of walking and normally she's behind me in speed but this time I was the slow poke. I'd forgotten all about the horrible headache she'd had.
The next day, she said she was sort of sore all over, her arthritis was bothering her and that headache was still with her. It wasn't anything like it was but still sort of nagging and making her tired. But she blew it off and took Motrin.
Now it's Wednesday and the headache is still there, and now that she is looking back she also had some nausea on Sunday night and it's kind of back again.
Now I'm getting really worried. Maybe I should have been worried right away.
Of course, googling "sudden headache with exercise" brings me to some scary potential diagnoses: Subarachnoid bleed. I'd thought of stroke in the first moments but those usually don't hurt and there was no weakness or facial changes. Oh, heck. What do I really know about stroke or brain bleeds?? I'm in REI! Not helpful.
So today I insisted that she needed to call her doctor. Thank goodness he's on the ball. He ordered a CT scan and she's there right now. And freaking out a little too.
God, I hope we're just fearing the worst and she'll be fine by tomorrow.

Yay, the computer is back!

2009-08-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why...but my computer decided to turn on again. I kept at it every day--turning the power on and off and all sorts of ways. And then...the whirring noise kept going instead of stopping. HURRAY! I've informed T and my brother that no one is to touch the "power" buttons and hopefully my home computer will have life for a long while. Or at least til after I've finished paying for my backyard re-do and have replenished my bank accounts. The next step is to get a garage sale going to and finish up the new "club house" for T. It's a slow process but it is making progress.
In the mean time, I really should do more research on what type/make of computer to get next time.
Any opinions out there? I've never used a MAC but I hear they are really nice for creating home movies (editing, etc). But maybe there is PC software now that makes it just as easy. I have no idea. But I have LOTS of home movies on tape that need to be transferred to DVD!
The guests from Holland have gone home. Boo hoo. I really liked those guys and it was so nice to get to know them--and through them, I now know more about my cousins (their mom and aunts) than I ever knew before. I have a new appreciation for a branch of my family tree that I never got the chance to know. I hope we get the chance to spend more time together--maybe the next time I visit Holland. Their last day with us, we all played tourist and went to San Francisco via BART train, rode the cable cars, walked all over Lombard Street, the Wharf, China Town, and many spots in between. T was poorly behaved for at least half the day--which embarrassed me tremendously. Maybe it was too much to ask of a 6 year old, but he seems to think he's 13 years old and has the attitude to match. I have searched Amazon and will be buying several books on raising boys and discipline--because what I've been doing isn't getting the results I need. I hope I'm not the only one with a "spirited" six year old. I guess I'm also fearful that others will see it as being a result of not having a father in the home. I have a need to show that my son is as well behaved as any other kid his age (maybe even better than most 6 year olds) just so I won't get that advice what what T really needs....
I've already gotten that kind of advice from well meaning friends--
"T really needs to get into sports."
"T needs more strict discipline."
"You're just too soft."
Or other statements that are even more direct.
"You really should start dating, so T can have a dad. He really needs one."
Match*com isn't panning out and I'm getting more anxious over it all.
One thing for sure. I do need help in understanding T's behaviour and helping to make better choices (I sound like a therapist, don't I?). Actually the language comes from exposure to the teachers at public school. :)

I'm still alive...

2009-08-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

Oops. I didn't mean to be so long since the last post.
We went camping for a week and then school started for T...and all the stuff you have to do for that...it all takes up time.
The only real time I have to post and read other blogs is at work. It's highly discouraged and I was just reminded of that fact during the Annual Core Review that I completed today (a question specifically aimed to let you know how unLAWful it is, and against policy, etc and that one could be faced with dismissal or worse). Yikes.
My computer at home has been sick. It's expected. It's old. Apparently something in the start up/electrical connection thingy is dodgy. It used to be my habit that I turned it off completely when I was finished with it, but then I found that I sometimes couldn't get it to turn back on. And then, for no apparent reason, it would react to the fact that I pushed the "on" button and it whirred into action again. My computer guru guy said there is a part that is on the fritz and that if I get it to turn on, just keep it on. Fixing it would be cost and time prohibitive. The other option is to buy another computer. Ug. I don't need that expense right now....so the decision to keep the computer forever humming was an easy one.
But T didn't know about all this. All was fine for a few months. He never touched the "on" button because it was always on. But yesterday, the monitor was in "sleep" mode and he thought the computer was off. So, cleverly, he took his little finger and pressed the "on" button--just as I was running towards him with my heart in my throat, to wiggle the mouse so that the picture would appear....but it was too late. That little finger was much quicker than I could ever be. And now the computer is OFF. And I can't get it to turn on again....no matter what I do.
I keep thinking that this "fritz" thing will suddenly make contact again inside that box that is my computer tower and then it will make that beautiful whirring sound again. But so far... No.
So if I don't get to reading and posting while at work...then I'm out of luck. And I have SO many pictures I wanted to upload and share from our vacation.
Darn it!
I will try to be a better blogger and make myself known more often.

Staying Put

2009-08-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

Ummm, no. I don't think I'll be moving after all.
The homes are roomier and beautiful and it really would be nice to move a little south and be nearer to some of my closest friends...but I really don't relish worrying over if I can cover the mortgage, paying for another 30 years (instead of paying off my current home in 10 or so years) and even if I could afford it monthly....the annual TAXES! Oh my. I really love working just 4 days a week--for me, but also to spend more time with my boy. And less time for my boy to be in daycare too. It was a nice reality check though. No...I'll just continue working on my backyard to create just what I dream of, maintaining my cozy little home, and stay just minutes from work and not too far from my ever-supportive parents and my bestest friend--my Mom.
Better to be happy with what I have, not fret over what I think I should have in comparison to what others appear to have accomplished (or collected).

Going to a birthday party!

2009-08-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my best friend's youngest son's 6th birthday. Their having a Star Wars Jedi party. As expected the invitation was WAY creative and spoke of special Jedi Training that would be disguised as a birthday party but really was a way to get those Jedi's the special training they needed to defend the Earth from the evil Sith. I wish I could come up with that stuff!
My friend J is a total blast to be around anyway...and the addition of a bunch of super excited 6 year olds will make it over the top!
PLUS! The house next door to them is for sale! Of course they're asking WAY too much, but it would be a dream to buy it and live in a place with lots of same age kids on the street, EXcellent public schools, and community swim pool (with a swim team to boot!) , a park down the street and a creek side paved pathway that goes on for miles to ride bikes, jog or just enjoy the outdoors and nature! Did I mention it's right next door to my dearest, and oldest friend?
Well, it's a dream...I don't think the sellers would ever come down to my maximum offer, but....if it's meant to be mine....who knows?
I'm just going to look at it.....

I want a Dad...

2009-07-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, while driving home from day care, T says:
Mama, do we have a dad in our family? (Which he knows we don't because we've talked about this before...)
Me: No, we don't have a dad, but you have a donor-dad.
T: Well, I want a dad that lives with us. Can Uncle R be my dad then?
Me: He isn't really your dad, but you can pretend if you want. (Not, not, not the role model I'd pick out though!)
T: But how can we get a dad that lives with us?
Me: Well, I'll work on it T.
T: What about that man we see on the corner all the time (a homeless man with matted hair/beard, coated with 5-10 years of dirt and weather, thread-bare clothes, barely there duct taped shoes and seriously mentally ill)
Me: Um. No. That man is very sick and he doesn't like to talk to people. He wouldn't make a good dad.
T: We can just ask at the houses here (as he points out to the neighborhood we are driving through). We'll just ask if they have a mom and if they don't they can be my dad.

(It took me a while to figure out his point of view--if a man doesn't have a mom, then I can be the mom and then that man can be the dad in our little family).

Me: Everyone has a mom, T. When you are born, that's your mom that gave birth to you. You gotta ask if a man is single or married. Then, maybe he might want to be married to me and then he can be your dad. (Trying to keep it simple!)
T: Oh. (pensive moment) OK. I'll ask if they're single or married.

Yikes. Now, I've done it.

Catching my breath

2009-07-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, I feel like I'm still digging out from the piles of "stuff" that goes on while I was away on vacation. I didn't have access to a computer so I just let that pile up too. I haven't even seen any of the pictures. But don't have high hopes. My camera was acting up. I'll post when I get to it. I went to Kauai with my 13 year old niece M (my sister's youngest child). Kauai is SUCH a nice place! The first day was just traveling and getting our selves situated in the resort (Grand Hyatt is NICE in Poipu). The next day we went horseback riding for 3 hours and then had lunch and swam in a waterfall fed natural pond. It was SO cool! Then we found some good beaches for snorkeling. After that we drove down back the coast in our Red Mustang convertible car to our posh resort to have a nice dinner at a recommended restaurant. As we were ordering, I looked up to see M with tears in her eyes in obvious distress. Shocked, I asked, "What's wrong??" She said nothing and just shook her head. Finally said, "I miss my mom." I was floored and flabbergasted. I felt the day was near perfect and after the FIRST day she wants her MOM! What was I going to do with the next 5 days (some of which didn't have much penciled in besides just sight seeing and making it up as we go along)? I tried to reassure her and told her she could call her mom (since that damned cell phone was attached to her hand, it wouldn't be too hard to do!) and maybe feel better. After she ordered her dinner, ate about half of it, she asked to leave and go back to the room--again in tears (we were still on the resort). I let her go, but I felt like someone had socked me in the stomach and abandoned me. I know, I know. It's not all about me....but I was at a loss of how to fix this so that the rest of the week would go well. When I arrived back at our room she was still in tears talking to her mom on the phone. The next day, I called my sister and asked what was going on. We were both surprised she was homesick since she seemed so ready emotionally and excited about the trip. I didn't want to rock anything, so the next day we just hung out at the pool side and lounged around all day. At the end of the day we had a lovely massage at the resorts spa center. It was NICE, but EXPENSIVE!!! OMG. $200 each for a 50 minute massage??! I had sticker shock chest pangs at least once a day while on Kauai. I knew it was going to cost a bit and I was ready for that, but now that I was dealing with a girl that hardly spoke to me, slept in the car when possible and kept asking when we could go back to the hotel....I wasn't in the mood to splurge. I ended up canceling the helicopter ride...$400 I didn't want to part with. At the end of everyday, I spoke with T and he was so cool about my being gone. He stayed with my parents and told me all about his adventures day by day. But by the end of the week he said, "I'm tired of being here. Can we go home now?" He's made it clear that he wants to go to Hawaii next year with me. Hands down-I'm ready for that! I spent my entire birthday (pretty much) traveling back home. And no one gave me a birthday freebie. And I asked, more than a few times, with undaunted hope that someone would take pity or help me celebrate just a little. Not even a water--which cost a whopping $2 for 12 oz. Do I sound cheap and bitter? I'm not...not really. I think. Besides, birthdays at my age don't really count anymore. Never mind how old I really am...I lie so often I've sort of forgotten.
I got back really late and T was already asleep. I snuggled up next to him (we sleep in a Queen sized bed when at my parent's place) and in the morning he said, "Mama! You're home! Yay!!" And big hugs and kisses. Every day since he's said to me "I'm so happy you're home. I love you more than infinity." And his smile is SO cute with that missing front tooth. Man, I wished I could have taken him to Kauai with me. Would have been more fun...for me. But it would have changed the focus away from the activities we could have done with M. Actually, M's recollection was pretty nice. My experience and hers are WAY different. Good thing. I overheard her talk to her mom and friends and she went on and on about the boat ride, the dolphins, swimming with turtles, the hotel, the plane...etc. Excellent. I'm really glad she had a great time. That's what I was hoping for. But I kinda wanted to feel like she liked me too, and acted a little happy that it was ME that was there with her. Oh well. 13 years old. I can remember being in Europe at 13 and not interested AT ALL in anything except dreaming about what my sister and I were going to be for Halloween that year. I'm sure we frustrated my parents too.
Also, on July 1 my brother moved in with me, as you all know. It's not disastrous but not my own private happy home either. Now, I've got clutter and boxes and less space than I used to have to put it all in. I'm planning on a garage sale in a couple weeks. I needed to do it anyway...lots of baby stuff to sell, but now it's really necessary with all my brother's things around. My thought is that he can stay 6 months to a year and then move on. We are not really compatible, but I'm finding he's an excellent cook. So that's one positive. And he payed me the rent (3 weeks late, but at least I have it). He has been unemployed for over a year and I don't see him looking for work yet. Those unemployment checks don't go on forever, do they? So I've got to help him create a resume and get his butt out the door to find work. Any work. For goodness sakes. Plus the last couple of employees won't we giving him a letter of recommendation--left on bad terms. It's going to be tough, but still doable. I've got to hand down the law and make sure he knows what I'm thinking for expectations. Some of the things he's said make me believe he thinks this is a long term arrangement. NOT! Like I needed more to deal with. See why I feel like there's a big weight on my shoulders? And not the kind where if I did a few squats my bum would start to improve. And that's another thing....Plus, not much going on with Match.com. Lots to sift through, no dates yet. And I'm not giving the time I should to write back some of the blokes who've written.
I hope you all are living happy uncomplicated lives. Let me know, so I can live vicariously.

Another little milestone

2009-07-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

It's been dangling in the middle of T's smile for more than a week. His right front tooth. It's all he has been doing...wiggling and touching and moving it backward and forward. Trying to freak me out with, "Look now Mama!" as he bends it at a 90 degree angle.

Then yesterday afternoon, I asked him if he wanted some help. He had seemed sort of irritated for the past two days and I just couldn't figure out why he was behaving so badly. Kinda like he was over-tired and couldn't tolerate much. A lot of whining. I'd given my offer of help before but he always said, "No thanks." But this time he said OK.

So I took a piece of dental floss and tied it around the tooth. I was pretty scared that it might be better attached than it appeared and when I yanked, it would cause a lot of pain and be a bloody mess---with tears and drama all over the place. We took a picture before the "procedure".....

Then we both wrapped our fingers around the string and yanked together. To both our delight, the tooth came out easily and there wasn't even a drop of blood. T said "Wow, it didn't hurt a bit!" Then, of course, more pictures of his brand new style of smile...

What a doll! I thought I couldn't love that smile any more than I did, but it just got waaaay cuter!

Immediately the cloud that he'd been carrying around disappeared and he was such a happy boy! Maybe that tooth was getting the best of him. And then, there was the tooth fairy's visit to look forward to! He's been really excited about collecting and having lots of money. (Good boy T!) He LOVES to add more in his Piggy Bank (a can with Winne the Pooh printed on it with a slot at the top). I almost thought it wouldn't be fun to use that bank since once it goes in, you can't see it any more. And there's no way to open it. You have to use a can opener to get it open and eventually see what you've collected. But he loves it.

The tooth fairy came just as he'd hoped and she was so impressed with the awesome way he's taken care of it that she gave him a paper dollar bill AND a GOLD COIN dollar with a picture of Hiawatha on it. Plus, his Oma gave him a dollar for his bravery in yanking the took out in the first place. He was very happy to stare at it for a while and then....in it went, into the Pooh bank.

I'm sooo glad it came out before I left on my trip. It's bad enough to leave without him, but it I'd have missed that milestone, I would have had even more heart ache.

Tuesday, I leave for my week long adventure with my 13 year old niece to Kaua'i. It's gonna be a blast.

Regrets...already

2009-07-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

T just loves having R around the house. He mimics him a lot. R says he has a head ache and wants to lay down for a while.....10 minutes later, T says with a sigh, "I have a ed-egg. I'm going to lay down." (Which lasts for about 3 minutes.) R opens a can of coke (just before dinner) and T wants a can too. Of course I told him no--we don't drink soda much and especially not before dinner. Now, T wants to sleep in as long as possible in the morning (he tries but just can't manage it), just like uncle R. I think it's cute, but because I know the influence my brother is and will have on T, I am wary of how my brother behaves and what it will teach T. Nothing good so far.
Which brings me to the sick feeling I've developed in my stomach.
I was very clear with my brother with my initial offering to stay at my home: No drinking or drugs. I know it was a big deal for him. After all, it's quite normal for him to drink beer daily--excessively on weekends, and smoke pot nearly if not every day. I don't drink alcohol but can understand the attraction to having some at social gatherings. But I DON'T condone smoking pot or use of any other recreational drugs. ESPECIALLY when it happens in my own home as I raise my 6 year old boy. And that's what happened.
I came home at the usual time, plunked down my things and looked for R. He loves to BBQ, so I figured he was fixing something for dinner. (He hasn't looked for a job at all since he moved in over a week ago, so I knew he was languishing around the house somewhere. I opened up the back door and there he was, caught in the act of inhaling. Deeply. I was speechless and just stared at him. I told him I was very clear with him on this point and it was unacceptable. T wasn't home--he was at Tae Kwon Do with my mom, thank goodness. I had such a sick feeling in my stomach. Now R was totally moved in and quite comfortable in his new digs and I'm living a nightmare in the making. After a bit, I found my voice and told him again of our agreement. I don't want to have to keep sneaking around to see if I can catch him in the act again--violating the rules. I told him that if he cannot abide by my wishes, he has to be honest with me, and he must find another place to live. I know he has very few choices. I'm pretty sure, had he had any choices, my home wouldn't have made the top 5 on that list. But here he is, due to a string of bad choices he's made. In my view, to get out of this hole he's dug for himself: job one is get off the pot, stop drinking and find a F***king job. That should help work on the self esteem--which obviously is suffering. Then lose some weight (he's about 60-70 lbs overweight), get a reliable car that you might be able to take a girl on a date with. And then find a date. Just DO SOMETHING. Sheesh. And while you're at it, GROW UP and get comfortable with the fact that you're a 40-something year old man, not a teenager anymore. I think the marijuana-bathed brain has not allowed him to realize what's happened to him in the last 25 years.
How do I get all this across to him without sounding like his mother? I wanted to keep our relationship on as even a level as possible, but he sure is making it hard. I'm the oldest in our family, so I tend to be the over achiever and a little on the bossy side. But I have a choice here. And I chose to live without anyone under the influence of drugs and alcohol. It's my house and my rules.
I wonder what's going to happen next.
What a mistake I made. I hope he proves me wrong.

A little snippy

2009-07-08T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'm getting a little snippy over this situation with my brother having moved in. I live in a small house, with stuff I've collected over the last 14 or so years....it was feeling just right for me and T. Actually just a little tight, but liveable. But with all this extra STUFF around plus all mine....it's just too much.
I thought I was dealing well with the changes...

Keeping our voices down in the morning so R can continue to sleep in
Shifting my things around to accomodate R's stuff
Working out who is going to pay for food, clean the house, make dinners
And generally getting used to someone else having a vote on what we watch on TV, etc. His taste is NOT mine--drag racing and deep sea fishing, not my cuppa tea.

But when he started shifting things around in his room and removing the torch lamp into my room (that I have no real need for or space for but lived happily in the corner of my former extra bedroom) and the Globe that sat on the dresser and the book shelf with all T's books and toys--that I said will be moved into the "Club House" in the backyard (once it's finished), it felt a little too much to deal with. Add to that the fact that I have not yet had any payment (it was due July 1st) and I feel like I've make too many concessions without any given on his part.
I later apologized for my snippy-ness and reminded him that this is a huge adjustment for me and he's just going to have to remember that when he thinks it's OK to initiate any changes in my house.
I hope I don't soon regret this decision to help him out.

Cozy just got cozy-er

2009-07-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

On July 1st my brother moved in with us. He had been renting a room from a friend of his with his on-again-off-again wife and their son, but it had been contentious with the wife and had gotten to the point where it was best he leave. It had been decided he'd leave last Christmas and originally he was going to move back in with our parents. But that was a bad idea from the start. Dad and my brother are so alike (and neither will admit that) that they do NOT get along. And then the Christmas blow out happened and that was that. The blow out between dad and my brother would have happened sooner or later, anyway. My brother (I'll call him R) tried to make things OK between his renter and wife, but it didn't last more than a few months and again he was looking for another room to rent. At Christmas, seeing the futility of the arrangement to go back home, I'd offered my extra room for him. The #1 rule, though, was NO drinking or drugs. He is a regular beer drinker and pot smoker---not acceptable in my house, and something he should give up if he has any hope of getting his health back and his life in order. And as a result of his depressing life situation, he's gained a LOT of weight. So dropping those bad habits will help him get back to a healthy state. At least that's MY plan!
So far, it's been pretty easy. He stays out of our way and is, by nature, a very neat and orderly person. But the STUFF he came with is more than I'd imagined. So many boxes of crap (in my opinion) for a guy that lives in one room. He admits it's more than he wants and has said he'll go through it and throw out what he doesn't want/need.
So now I've got a torn up back yard, a tarp down to keep the dust and dirt down with tons of boxes and junk stacked on top. Very attractive. And more than I can deal with. It makes me feel uneasy. I like organization and minimal clutter.
I have put out a message to a couple of friends with small boys to come over and help themselves to all the boxes of clothes and toys in my garage. I have to make room in there. My car is finding itself with less and less room around the perimeter of its usual parking spot.
T LOVES having R here. He likes having a guy around, I think. R hasn't really played with T yet, but R is a great fisherman and T will likely be going fishing with him. That would be nice. And T asked me if Uncle R could come and watch him at Tae Kwon Do so he could "pretend" to be his dad. I could think of quite a few others that would be better role models, but I didn't want to douse his dream. So I just kept it neutral with a "We'll see how things go....."
Now, I have to find the happy medium between being the older sister with lots of advice to hand down (and I've held my tongue on more than a few occasions--trying to remember he didn't ask for advice!) and being more business-like the renter/rentee interaction.
He hasn't payed his dues this month yet, and I asked him what day he'd like to make as "rent due". He said, "whatever you say." So I said, "OK, then the first of the month." And being the 6th today--I'm still wondering where the check is. I"m only charging $400. He used to pay $600/month. I wanted to charge enough to cover the extra expenses his living here will incur, but also make it easier to deal with the loss of privacy and space that I have to accept. I've been living alone for the past 14 years and it's a big adjustment for me. It's my intention to (secretly) put all his rent into a separate account, use the funds when needed but save the majority for him so that when he leaves he'll have a nest-egg to spend on his new place--or a newer car, whatever he'll need to get that leg-up I'm hoping he'll get while staying here. I will I have to be more bold but it's hard to ask for money when I know he has so little of it. (He's been unemployed for more than 1 year--getting unemployment money all this time.) Again, lots more advice I could hand down--and probably will sooner or later.
We'll see how this goes. I see it as a stepping stone to getting R to a place where he has more choices. My plan is that he stays here 6 months to a year and then moves on to his own place--not another room off some friend. For gosh sakes, a man of 42 years old ought to have some place of his own by then, doncha think?

Introspection

2009-06-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday started out like most mornings....I got to watch a snippet of the Today show before the TV channel would be changed to cartoons. And in that few moments of news a story about Dr. Jerri Nielsen popped up--the woman who found, biopsied herself and diagnosed her own very aggressive breast cancer in 1999 while being stuck at the Antarctica station. Months later she was rescued and successfully beat back her cancer...until last year where is was found to be, well, everywhere. She died on June 23 at the age of 57. After her inital cure she wrote a book and toured the country giving talks of her experiences and perspective on life. One quote really struck me. She said, "It doesn't matter how of when you die. We're all gonna do it. What's really important is: Did you every really live?"

Wow. I found this to be very profound. I told everyone at work. It really got me thinking about my own life. Was I doing everything I could do, or needed to do--to live fully? What more could I do? How can I make a positive impression on the world, that survives me and lives on? So, with all this running around in my head....

I hear Farrah Fawcett dies. And then, seemingly out of the blue, Michael Jackson. Two people that were pretty popular for most of my life. And I started to think about their lives and legacies. I admit, I puddled up quite a bit listening to Michael's music on the radio. Like someone said recently, "His music was the sound track of my life." At least for a few decades it was. Farrah and Michael certainly made an impression on the public and changed lives in some manner or another. I thought they were both a bit peculiar, but they were also brave in putting themselves out there and taking risks to express themselves and also help humanity. Farrah with her choices of dramatic acting roles (I will never forget The Burning Bed) and recently with her documentary on her cancer diagnosis and the road it took her on to the elusive cure that wasn't possible. And Michael with his unique music, style, dancing and humanitarian efforts to help hungry children and heal hearts after 911.

Well, OK. I'll amend that "peculiar" word to down right "weird" at times. Who knows why, but I guess that's part of Hollywood's elite. Maybe weirdness comes with unusual artistic talent.

But I've digressed. (I never really talk this way in real life...don't know why I use it when I write but it seems to fit.)

This week's events have really spurred me to look at myself and try to figure out if there's anything more I can do, that is true to myself, in helping make a positive, lasting imprint after I'm gone. I keep thinking about the song, "Man in the Mirror". And then I hear the song "Gone too soon" and I feel a sense of pressure. Where to start? What to do? I know that what I do for a living is pretty awesome--helping those with arms that ache to hold their own child. Creating families for those that desperately dream of being parents. I was there. I sure know what that feels like. But, I still feel like I could do more.

Now, if I could just get to the point where I would feel less guilt for thoughts on wanting to be more than just a mom. Is this just a 'single mom' thing or do all mothers feel this way to some degree? Is it selfish to want something more? Maybe, I should concentrate solely on raising my child first. Childhood is so fleeting and has SUCH an impact for the rest of a person's life. Plus, to do anything solely for myself makes my chest ache, especially if it takes away from time I would/could spent with T. But still--to be a person that not only he can be proud of, but that I can also be proud of--that's what I wish for.
I think introspection is always good. I'm going to think about this for a while--and we'll see where it brings me and what more I might come up with.

Happy Birthday T!

2009-06-18T11:31:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was T's 6th birthday! Already!
I tried to get off work, but it wasn't possible. But during my lunch break I went to the Children's center where he spends part of the week and brought a birthday cake to share with all the kids. He was "a little shy" and stared at his knees while they all sang "Happy Birthday to you, Cha-Cha-Cha..." But I could tell he was enjoying it.
After work I met T and my mom at the Tae Kwon Do place. At the end of the hour the Master lead all the students in another song (this one was punctuated with lots of "He-Aww's!). Again, being shy with all the attention he studied his toes with red cheeks on his cute little face. Then we all went to dinner for his choice--pizza! (and an ice cream for dessert, of course)
After dinner he opened his presents: a new Leapster (his second one died a few months ago), a skate board, and new sneakers. He also received a package in the mail from his Nana and Popa (who live in Australia)--a cool, bright green crocodile T-shirt and a real Boom-A-Rang. I told him how you use it but I can't think of a safe enough place to really let it fly and see if it truly comes back. :) So, for now, it sits on his dresser. It's cool to look at with the Aboriginal art work on it.
This Saturday we're having a pool party/BBQ with lots of his school friends and family. I hope the weather shines on us and it's nice and warm.

Demolition

2009-06-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

Well, over a 3 day period, I've had one of the mini-houses (a well built shed, really) in my backyard dismantled, and all the concrete and raised brick planters broken up and removed (now sitting in the middle of my driveway).
T has now seen the awesome power of a jack hammer in use and has found ways to use that word in several sentences. He was impressed.

This is the first step in making over my backyard into the dream yard that I've had on paper for more than 7 years. My dad and mom have always had a dream that the one shed could be transferred into their backyard but it's just too big to get out in one piece (10 x 14 feet plus an overhanging porch). But by some miracle the two strong men working for me were able to take it apart wall by wall and transfer it over to my parents place. Hopefully they'll be able to put it back together again in their own backyard. It will be a nice addition--both for storage and because it's so darned cute with it's windows, porch and Dutch door. I'm glad it's staying in the family!
But now my backyard looks a MESS! And I'm getting to the end of my savings for purposes other than college and retirement. That means I have to live with it, aside from the small changes I can make with a shovel and some well placed plants/flowers until I can afford for some more work to be done. Really, the next thing is to dig a big hole and create a good drainage system so the house down spouts don't dump water at the foundation anymore. And then a new sprinkler system that will accommodate the new plans. Stuff I can't or don't want to do myself. Maybe I'll take on a few more days of work here and there to collect the funds more quickly. I want to hurry up and enjoy my garden!!

More T talk

2009-06-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

The other day, T was in the bath, making up games with many, many rules (as is the usual these days). This game was about making my forearms and hands really clean with a 7 step method newly devised by T himself. I just sat on the floor and held my arms out over the tub while he worked his magic with this potion or that soap and washcloth or toy that made the treatment even better. After he was all finished, he asked me, "Well, how clean is that?" and I said, "Very!"
Then after a spit second he said, "Very is lesser than really."
Hmmmm. Let's think about that. Is 'very' less than 'really'? I suppose it could be. So maybe the better answer would have been "Really!!" But I didn't think that fast. And he didn't seem disappointed. His mind was already on to the next game he could conjure up.

Earlier in the day:
T: Mama, what comes first: "almost" or "nearly"?

Me: Gee, ummmm. I think almost and then nearly. (Seemed right and sensible at the time.)

I have to remember what I said about these measurements and their places in how to measure something because he'll remember--and test me. And if I say another answer (like it's "nearly" first and then "almost"), he'll catch me on it and be sure to tell me what's the right answer (according to the first time I told him). He's such a smarty. I wish I had that brain.

I guess this is the way he finds order in life and how things are measured or compared to other things. When he plays with his cars, he never pushes them around and make engine noises. He arranges them in rows or squares (placed bumper to bumper and side to side). He calls it a garage--and it sure looks like one. The kind next to a shopping mall. He puts them in rows of particular colors or places them according to how big they are, going from biggest to smallest and then smallest to medium to biggest.

It's so cool to watch how he puts it all together as he grows and ramps up his IQ day by day, by week, by month.

Tid-bit conversation with T

2009-06-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

Last week we've had this come up:

T: Mom, did my dad die or something? I mean not my donor-dad or my opa (grandpa) but my real dad--did he die?

Me: You mean the man that should (or could) be living here with us like in other families?

T: Yes, that guy.

Me: No, T. He didn't die. I just haven't found him yet. But I'm trying and one day, I'll find just the right one for us.

T: Good, because I really want a dad. I really, really do.

Ouch. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

He's asked this question twice in the last week. I'm not sure why it's suddenly so important unless he's noticed someone at school with their dad or a kid has spoken of stuff they do with their dad.

I'm trying T. I'll take a risk and date and try to find a great guy that also wants to be a dad. Man, that's tough to do. But I'll do it because you deserve it. And so do I.
*sigh*
It's giving me gas pains already. That's my personal reaction to stress--a bloated belly. Just what you want when you're trying to hold it in to create a better silhouette for a would-be suitor. Excuse my while I run to the bathroom....

Suddenly I remember...

2009-06-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

why it is that I don't like dating. Or rather, dating-service-dating. And I've done a handful of different services over the last 10-15 years, so I'm pretty experienced. Dammit.
Now, I admit that in earlier years I really wasn't ready to date or even willing to give a fair chance to any would-be boyfriends. I just did it because that's what my friends and family felt I should have been doing. Getting out there and finding a husband, partner, whatever. But now I feel like I'm ready to take it on and keep an open mind. But it's tough. I know what I want and I'm getting really good at reading the lines on a profile--and what's in between the lines. And a picture really does say a thousand words. But it seems that the guys so far have been at arms length. Only a few are really raring to meet up. Most just send "winks" or tiny email messages that comment on what I said, but no plans for future conversations, in person or otherwise. Weird. Of the few that really wanted to meet, I'm not feeling the same towards them. (There are
only two, so I don't want to mislead you in thinking they're beating my door down.) I don't want to judge too quickly, but I also don't have a lot of time and don't want to waste it on someone that lives too far away or just doesn't appear to click with my interests. I mean, isn't that the advantage of using these services? So you don't date someone who doesn't share your interests, right?
Even weirder, there are more than a few guys that are writing me from FAR away. Like across the country. Even the UK!!! What's up with that? Do they have a private jet where they can hop in and fly to my front door? Are there no girls in their own zip code that make the grade? 'Cause in my opinion lots of those guys are pretty gorgeous, out-going, accomplished, etc, and I WISHED I lived closer to Kentucky or Illinois.
Oh well, the search goes on.
It sure is a time suck, though. Perusing profile after profile and writing back all the ones that wrote me (that I kinda wished hadn't). Always minding the ego, but being clear and friendly all at the same time. But actually it IS a huge compliment that I make SOMEONE'S idea of attractive. I know I just need to make a date with any one of the nice men who are interested and just see how it goes.
That's the next step. Little baby steps. It's been a looooong time since the last date I had.

Moving out of my comfort zone

2009-05-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so content. I really have all I ever wanted. Life is good. Great job, home, child, friends. What more could a girl ask for?
Well, maybe....a partner? Someone to share in all the adventures, great and small. I'm almost afraid to start. I like the ways things are. And I'm the boss. There's no compromising. I kinda really like that part. But life could be enhanced with the right person to share it with.
So after hemming and hawing I've taken the plunge and joined Ma!tch.com.
During the first two-week free period, I was encouraged to see all the great looking guys who appear to be well adjusted normal people (not unlike myself) looking for the same stuff I am. I felt a sense of optimism and so I plunked down some cash to join and start some real sampling of the single and seemingly emotionally available guys around here.
I wrote a few that seemed nice, great smile and had a decent writing ability. So far, one wrote back, but he seemed a little stand-offish. Not really asking to talk or communicate in the near future. Oh well. It's a target rich environment. I'm bound to find someone worthy of more than one date.
I also do feel a risk is being taken. Not in the area of potential broken heart stuff, but the potential of putting a monkey wrench into my happy contented life equation. If only I could find someone who exists, so far, in my dreams.
Well, at least I'm willing to take a risk and try. I have an open mind at this point. Something I didn't really have all the other times I've tried dating services or the set up dates with friends of friends.
We'll see how it goes...

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

So, for mother's day I was given a lovely hand made card--inside T wrote "I love you Mommy. I love when you help me with the dishes." (What? I remember once when you and I did dishes together--you had a blast, but never did pitch in again.) I also received a handsomly decorated little ceramic pot with a beautiful white impatien planted inside. But the BEST present was when I was in the backyard watering the many dry spots and T was bouncing a basketball and announced, out of the blue and unsolicited, "Mommy, I love you. *small pause* "Every time I look at you, I love you."
Awwwww. Well that is the BEST Mother's Day present I've ever had. I hope I get that one every year! Thank you, my beautiful boy.

thyroid function

2009-05-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Thyroid function still still off. My latest TSH was 3.9. I did't really do any further follow up on it because I feel pretty normal but I still have the extra 5 pounds on me. I lose 2 pounds here and there but it finds me later.
But then my surgeon called and left me a message about how my TSH is a little on the high side of normal and she doesn't want the half of my thyroid left to start swelling under the extra stimulation my brain is trying to give it. Yeah, well, neither do I. I didn't think that would be a concern with a TSH in the "normal" range. Something else to think about....
Maybe I will try taking thyroid hormone and see if it makes a difference in the stubborn 5 pounds and also my energy level. I could always use a boost in that department!

Dear Abby

2009-05-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Abby,

I am a single mother of a very active 5-year-old boy. I love my neighborhood and have lived here happily without incident for 14 years—until this past week. Across the street live a couple who adore their 1 year old son. Recently, Mr. S has been gracious enough to kick around a soccer ball in the front yard or include my son with running through the sprink lers when they were outside with their own boy. So my son has gone over there, on occasion, with his ball to find someone to play with. Last Saturday, Mr. S and family were on their way out and explained to my son they had no time to play. Watching them drive away I told my son to come back home. Later that night, a very disturbed Mr. S knocked on my door and asked to speak with me about the condition to which their stroller (stored on their stoop) was found. In the cup holder were small sticks, pebbles and bits of poop. He felt my son was retaliating for not playing with him. I told them my son had never shown anger like that before, but that it could be something a 5-year-old boy might do. I assured him that I would get to the bottom of this and bring him for an apology. The next morning, Mrs. S phoned and asked me, having since gotten a confession, for my son to clean it up. “Absolutely. It will underscore that it was wrong and not to do such a thing again.” We went over and my son gave a half-heart ed apology, citing he didn’t know why he did it. Then I cleaned the stroller tray with disinfectant wipes. I said to Mrs. S that I can’t predict what he might do and that I’m very sorry to have upset them, so I will keep my son on our side of the street to minimize future problems.
But 2 days ago, my son walked over and peeked into their living room window. Once he saw the neighbors he ran back across the street. Mr. S immediately came bounding over and said angrily to my son, “Very funny. Now he’s taken to peeking in our window!” and promptly turned and walked away. I apologized again, but he was clearly SO angry that he might not have heard me. He then stood there on his sidewalk and stared at my home for 20-30 minutes. When his wife came out to speak to him, he yelled and stamped his feet and threw a few things, including the stroller, into the middle of his front yard.
I feel I have done all that I could do to make amends and contin ually teach my son what is good and bad behavior with appropriate consequences, but the antics of this grown man has me pretty upset. In my view, this man seems to have forgotten that this is a 5-year-old boy still learning social rules, NOT a grown person with ulterior, evil motives.
What more can I do?
Sincerely,
Worried

Time for a new computer...etcetera

2009-04-23T13:05:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since my last post (sounds like the beginning of confession, lol. And I'm not Catholic. lol).
First my printer gave up.
Then my computer wouldn't turn on, or rather stay on for more than a few seconds. Occasionally I can get it to work, but these "episodes" have become more frequent. I called my computer guru (everyone should have one!) and he said it sounds like the power source inside my computer. It's an old computer--seven or eight years now, so it's probably time to get another one anyway.
Now I have to do a bunch of research on which computer is best for me. I've started to consider a Mac vs another PC. Mainly because I've heard it's really easy to upload and edit videos on a Mac. But my guru clearly recommends another PC. We'll see. And since I need a printer too, I want to get an "all in one" printer, fax, scanner. Space is a consideration since I don't have much space on my desk, the way it's configured. Hopefully it will all look pretty once it's set up. :)

Easter breakfast at my parent's

T with his Easter egg hunt goodiesAs for updates~
Easter: We pretended Easter breakfast was on Saturday so T and I could attend my mom's special Easter breakfast and have an egg hunt in the backyard. T was the only seeker that day, but he had fun. And mom got to provide yet another Easter basket breakfast with lots of goodies and a little surprise for T: A mancala game. Then T and I went to a birthday party for 3 girls turning 6 years old. It was a "grand ball" theme and the kids were encouraged to dress up as princes and princesses. There were a LOT of beautiful princesses!! And the boys got into it to. T had a burgundy towel pinned around his neck, a regal looking necklace and, of course, a crown. Didn't last long but it was good for an entrance. There was an amazing guy doing balloon animals, an egg hunt (lots more candy and money too!) and a great big jump house. I was standing outside of it, watching the kids run around and making sure no one got hurt. I looked to my right momentarily and all of sudden...POW! I got clocked in the eye brow by the flying cranium of four year old boy through the side wall of the jumpy. I fell to the ground, while the four-year old kept on running! T ran to me to see if I was OK. I was tearing up and trying to get my composure back before anyone noticed. As soon as T saw my face, he announce to all in the jumpy, "SHE'S CRYING!". Sheeeesh. Shhhhhh. Don't tell everyone. I'm fine. Well, then he spied cake and off he went to get a piece before it was gone. I made my way through the backyard crowd of parents and kids to the bathroom to check out my wound. But was occupied. Well, I thought, "no one looked at me weirdly, so I'm sure it's fine." But after a few more minutes, the comments were coming, "My God, what did you do you your EYE?" OK, now I had to look. Yep. An egg. I had myself a very colorful egg on top of my left eye brow. Fitting for Easter weekend, huh? After icing it with frozen corn, I felt much better, but the damage was done. And for the next week, I had the most beautiful shades of purple over and under my eye.

Watching jumpers moments before the big "ka-pow"

My sisters S and D and myself at Easter dinner For Easter Sunday, my youngest sister, D, stuck her neck out and invited everyone to come for an early prime rib dinner. Seeing how everyone is not speaking to my dad, it was a risk to get everyone together. The day was a powder keg waiting to be ignited...and it almost was. Dad almost didn't come due to continued fighting with my siblings and mom. My sister, S, canceled last minute but was pressured to come by D (she let her know that it wasn't cool to cancel last minute and she was upset about her doing this repeatedly). But everyone (aside from my brother who refused to come) kept their cool and no fights broke out. I played a LOT of basketball "horse" and "pig" with T to while the time and keep the mood elevated. Plus, it gave a focal point for something to look at for those not wanting to talk all day. At least that was my thinking....

Last Saturday, I went to Picnic Day at UC Davis. I've gone to this event since I was 2 years old. I love the whole atmosphere of the university, the excellent parade and all the events throughout the day. And after we're tired of milling around the campus, we all go to the next town and have a BBQ at my friend's home. They live on a 20 acre farm and it's a great place for kids to play and explore. There's all kinds of animals, a pond and space to run and play. T was pretty terrified of the dogs (they have 3, including a 3 legged dog) but he learned that if you don't run, they won't chase you. I love going there and Picnic Day assures I visit at least once a year, but I hope to get back that way by the end of summer. It's a kids paradise and I really do need to nurture old and dear friendships better.

Watching the UC Davis Picnic Day Parade

The house on the farm, a rammed earth home, designed and built by M and family

Life long friends--myself and M, and also "Mom" on the farm

Fun in the shower after muddying up in the pond

Mom went with me and we all had a great time, but Dad was pretty upset that Mom left the house for a couple of days without much explanation as to why. Dad was continuously angry at Mom for various things and she needed a break. So she ran to my house for a couple of days to get away. By the time we were driving back from Davis (and didn't tell Dad we were going--a whole 'nother fight would have broken out) he had called multiple times wondering what was going on, and where were we...) Talk about stress. Now we were going to have to lie about where we were and get our story straight. Lying...just begets more lying. I hate it. But I hate fighting more.
I phoned him as soon as we got home to let him know we were home safe (but fibbed about exactly where we had been). But it was clear that the time had come to have a serious conversation between Mom and Dad. For years they have tried to get me to be their mediator and I've refused. But now I feel I had no choice. They are not getting the counseling they need. Mom refused to go. And it's getting so uncomfortable for me and my siblings... I figured I couldn't make it any worse.
I hired a babysitter for T and I went over to my parents home. I sat down and laid the ground rules: no personal attacks or name calling. One person speaks, the other listens. The other person speaks, the first person listens. Then, time for rebuttal. It went pretty well. There were tears (mom's) and apologies (dad's). They talked for 3 hours before I had to end it (my babysitter was told I'd be only 2 hours!). Clearly, my parents want to say married (each said so) and just as clearly there has been very poor to no effective communication between the two of them. There might be a glimmer of hope that things can get better. But it's just a glimmer. A lot depends on how much compromise will be coming from both sides. I think I'll buy a marriage counseling self-help book. And I just found a great 6 week session given by their health insurance on Couples Communication. Perfect.
So, life goes on. And soon, I'll be buying a new computer! How's that for a segue! Not. Oh well. I'll work on that.

T playing Tball

T is still going to Tae Kwon Do 3 times a week. He loves it. But he's got a lot to learn. He has very little coordination and he tends to wander off with his concentration. But heck. He's only 5--that's bound to get better. He can now almost do a real push-up and is getting pretty good at the punching sequences. Tball is still in full swing and we have games every Saturday morning until mid June. The coaches are so excellent--there are 3 fathers that have lots of great skills to pass on and are so patient with the kids. They are all getting so much better, week by week.

I'm doing so well for T in getting him plugged in and active, but am failing with myself. I have to find a way to get a regular workout out in. I wish I could swim with the local Master's group, but that just doesn't fit in to my life the way it is. I can't leave the house in the early morning and I can't swim at 6 PM since I need to get T and make dinner every weekday. I could do weekend workouts, but if I can't get to the pool at least once in the week, I won't ever get past the beginner "I'm in so much pain" stage. Plus, I don't want to take those weekend hours away from T. (I know... excuses, excuses...) If I could just drag myself out of bed at 6 AM, then I could do a video workout while T is still asleep. But so far, I haven't found the energy to do that. I also am tempted to join the YMCA. It's nearby and I've found that quite a few of the kindergärtners families are joined. That way T would find others that he knows while playing at the pool or in the child care (while I get in a workout!). I just have to figure out if I can afford it for the long term. Working out at home would be cheaper.

No running, and still searching for balance

2009-04-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

Such a bummer. I had to drop out of the Relay race. My left calf hasn't improved too much. I'm not limping any more, but the minute I start to run, the pain comes back. I guess I strained the muscle or something.
Not only do I feel like a loser for not being about to be a part of our team (AGAIN!), but this has put a big damper on my plans to improve my body/mind/health. Not to mention the possibility of re creating a better looking body for the fast approaching summer days when I want to wear shorts, or (gasp) a swim suit. Maybe a video and some hand held weights will be enough to smooth away some of this cottage cheese stuck to my thighs.
It's a never ending battle, and I will Never Give Up! :)
A very valuable lesson I learned from years of speaking with women candidly and privately in the exam room about things that really matter: we all share so many commonalities. No one has a perfect body. And even if it appears to others as if they did. They still worry about it. We all do. ALL of us are very aware of our imperfections. No matter what age, ethnicity, background, socio-economic status, we all worry about the same stuff. Some people more than others. Through all these similarities, even though we may look very different from one another, we are all sisters. Connected in our sameness but special in our uniqueness. Nuff said. Group huuuuug.
Me?
I want to care enough to be motivated to do good for my body and health but not be obsessed with it that it puts me on the side lines, keeping me from enjoying life.
Balance. It's everywhere.

Doing it all, and suddenly overscheduled!

2009-04-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm better now. I stopped eating corn chip scoops at 11PM and whadda ya know?? I dropped 2.5 lbs. I guess I really am human and my body works predictabley like most everyone else. Huh.
Last Sunday T and I went to a birthday party for his kinder classmate. It was held at a nearby Tae Kwon Do gym. And weirdly, the owner and master there was the husband of my previous medical assistant I used to be blessed to have at my prior clinic in ob/gyn. It's a small world. (She showed up at the end of the party and we got to catch up.)
The party was fun. Watching all the kids kick and chop the heck out the air while giving their best and loudest "Hi- awwww!" was so entertaining. They even got to kick at a board and break it in two pieces. Just the stuff of real super heroes!! But while I was there, watching how they were being taught to reply with a loud and clear "Yesssir!", bowing before and after entry to the mat, and listening and obeying the master, I thought "What a good thing for T to do." He really seemed to enjoy it all. By the end of the hour he was rosy cheeked and all sweaty around the temples.
The next day T and I went back so he could take a one hour free lesson with the other kids (all younger than 10 years old). He seemed to really get into it, although his coordination needs some help. But that's just one more good reason to consider a commitment to this.
And commitment it was. I signed up that day. After the first month of "free" lessons, you have to sign a contract committing to pay for the next 11 months. T can go up to four times a week. It averages out to $84 a month over a year. But then I learned the belt ceremonies will cost me too. And the professional photos (not that there's any obligation to buy, but you know I'll buy at least SOME of them). Mom said she would bring him there on Wednesdays and Fridays and I'll bring him Mondays. Saturdays are more a fun/exercise day but I think once T-ball finishes we'll be doing that too. Unless summer YMCA basketball conflicts with that schedule. And to think I was hemming and hawing at $50 a month to join the YMCA for access to exercise to me (and also stuff for T to do). Goes to show, when it's for T, money is secondary. When it comes to me....well, I'm way at the bottom of the list. Or am I even on the list?? I think I better work on my balance of that a bit. Or I'll soon be suffering and not able to be the best that I can be. And get depressed and well, you can probably see it's not a path anyone would enjoy or savor. It's a mother thing I think. Or at least, it's common among mothers.
SHEESH. At first I felt like I wasn't doing enough extracurricular activities to expose my boy to some fun and educational experiences (especially as compared to what other parents do with their kids). But now, suddenly, we're scheduled for SOMEthing just about every day. And how can swim lessons and music lessons (he wants to try the guitar or piano) fit in??
Oy. One step at a time. I think we've got enough for now. In June we'll reassess how much time we have.

Drat it!

2009-03-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a week now, and I still can't run thanks to the pain in my lower left calf. Dammit. My training is going to pot!
PLUS!
I'm up FIVE POUNDS on the scale! I hate that scale. It rarely gives me good news. Sure, I'm not perfect in what I eat, but I haven't changed a thing in the last whatever. I'm certain it's my hop-along half thyroid. Dam-dam-dam! (yes, I know it's misspelled. I'm mad, but not mad enough to actually swear. I save that for when I'm REALLY mad. lol)
Now I have to make an effort in curbing the crap I put in my mouth (often dark chocolate and whatever else passes for sweets around 3PM everyday). The ironic thing is that when I put more effort at being "good", I end up eating more because I'm thinking about it too much!
Ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. I can't stand this outofcontrol feeling. My weight control "baggage" is showing. I'll try to calm down, hold on, breathe, and be busy...until my next TSH blood test in 3 weeks.
I wish I had right thyroid lobe back.

Ugg. An Injury. But Oh! The School Play!

2009-03-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

So, big bummer for me. The last few minutes of running along that creek trail I felt this sort-of cramp in my lower calves. I slowed up and even walked for a minute. But I forged ahead and ran--because I was nearly done AND T was too far ahead to let him get any further with my going too slow.
I was kind of limping the rest of the day but felt like a couple days of rest and stretching would do the trick.
But today, I'm still pretty sore in the left lower calf, but fine in the right. I don't know what it is, but it seems like just a couple more days will allow it to heal itself. Time. Something there just isn't a lot of. I have to get this body in gear in 4.5 weeks!! Hopefully I'll be OK doing an exercise tape without running today. Maybe Thursday or Friday I'll be able to run without any trouble.
On much happier news...yesterday T performed in his first play! By total luck I happened to have the day off (since I work this coming Saturday) and so I was able to watch the 9:30AM show PLUS the 7PM evening show. There were 3 different shows, given by 3 different kindergarten classes. All were based on favorite children's books. (We have 6 kinder classes--the other 3 classes will do their performances today). T's class did a new play called "The Incredible Book Eating Boy". T didn't get to be the lead (in fact, it was a girl that got that part--probably because she can muster an attention span unmatched by any boy in class). But T did his parts very well. He spoke loudly enough and his actions were exaggerated and exuberant! During the first show he spent most of his time looking around the audience for me. But after giving him hints on where to look for me next time, he found me right away and played his parts for his most special audience member--me! Plus his Oma and Opa were there too. He was SO excited to show off how well he could do everything. All the shows were so great! It's amazing what the drama teachers can do with all those kindergartners--123 of them! Of course I video taped every moment--of all three shows. T loved watching them later on the big TV.
Certainly, when the girlfriends come around, many (MANY!) years in the future, these tapes will be valuable ammunition, uh...priceless memories to share.
Having kids. School plays. Video taping special moments.
THIS is just what I signed up for when I dreamed of what my future family would be like.

Doin' It Together

2009-03-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Due to no energy or motivation, or whatever...I hadn't worked out since last Wednesday and suddenly it was Sunday morning. I needed to do something or it would be a week gone with only 2 workouts completed. So, I hoisted T's bike in the car, got my running gear on and we drove to the creek trail (about 5 miles from our house). This trail is well used by anyone looking for some quality time outside to walk, run, or ride (a bike). There are beautiful wild flowers, a paved path with a par course, a creek along side the path and a kid's playground with a bona-fide merry-go-round (the kind you push yourself and then jump on for a dizzying ride). Those are harder to find due to potential injuries to the kids (and law suits to the city), I guess. T was totally jazzed to run with me, but he wanted to run too. Ug. That was hard. To convince him to ride along side me, while I ran. But he was OK as long as he got a chance to run at some point along the trail. I thought we'd go 15 minutes out and then turn around and make our way back--where the super-cool playground would be waiting for us.
It went great! T did ride a little too far ahead, but he learned to wait for me every here-and-there. He also finally mastered the rule of riding on the right side of the trail and to use his little bell to warn walkers that he was going to pass them. He also loved to stop at the par course stations and attempt to do whatever exercise he could make up with the rings or bars that were there. Half way through our run he gave his bike to me so he could run too. T did great as I ran along side him (while pushing the bike). But T is more a sprinter than a distance man. He had to take a few walking breaks to catch his breath. Part of me wondered if this was normal 5-year-old capacities, or was it that he needs his asthma inhalers everyday (instead of just during the times he gets a cold). I'll have to ask the pedi next time we see her.
Then we ate our lunch (brought a packed lunch from home--PBJs and fresh strawberries) and played on the playground. T, who's not shy at all, tried to talk and engage with some of the kids on the grounds, but no one would talk back or go along with the make-believe games he was trying to create. He didn't seem phased by it, but it sort of saddened my heart that he wanted to play with ANYONE but none of the kids would join him. Maybe they were shy or uncomfortable with strangers, but I so hoped he could find someone to connect with. It's hard to be an only child with no other kids to play with at home. Mom is OK but another kid is definitely choice #1--as long as Mom keeps close by as the required audience. It would be cool to have two kids in the house. For me and for T. I wonder if a girl or a boy would be a good idea (knowing full well how much energy typical boys have). Or a child that's older, the same age, or younger than T. Hard to say what would be the best fit for the adopted child and our family as it is, or could be. Plus I have to remember the finances. As a single parent I really like the choice to be at home 3 days a week to spend as much time as I can with my child(ren), but be able to live comfortably on a 4-day-a-week paycheck.
Just dreams. Something to think about. And who knows...anything could happen. But, I digress....
I really loved running with T riding his bike. He gave me something else to focus on besides the minutes ticking by and my pounding heart. And POOF! A half an hour running was done. Lovely. Plus, T gets the message on how important and fun exercise is--even "growing-ups" do it. I think we'll do it again next weekend!

Still running...

2009-03-19T12:43:00.001-07:00

OMG, am I sore! I ran on Monday and again yesterday. Yay for me. It's SO hard to get started. Only when I've been running for about 10 minutes do I truly know that I'll be exercising that day. I hem and haw the whole way up to it. I have to MAKE myself DO IT. Good thing I have this race to motivate me--or I'd surely find no time to get my gear on and go. I plan to run 3-4 times a week, starting with 23 minutes and then increase by 10% each week. That's what has been written in all those running advice columns I found yesterday. I surfed the Internet yesterday to self diagnose this sharp pain in my right knee cap. I've had it with any running I tried to do for the last couple of years (hence, very little running was done!) . From my understanding, it's patellar-femoral syndrome. Either I need orthotics to prevent over pronation and/or it could be due to weak quadracepts (TOTALLY possible...no, very likely) or could be aggravated by the fact that I generally run on the road on the right side. There's always a bit of a canter or slope on the side of the black top and that might make the patella slide slightly off-center, creating pain.
So yesterday, I concentrated on running on only flat surfaces and making an conscious effort to hit the pavement with my feet as straight as I could. And guess what?? No pain. Yay. I was so afraid this pain would stop me from training and then I wouldn't be able to race. I still have to work on quad strength, so I plan to do squats and isometrics to strengthen my legs. Hopefully it will all come together and I'll be doing really well by the time the race starts on May 2.
Today I'll try a little ibuprofen and some stretching. My poor muscles are accustomed to hybernation rather than the wake up call I've thrown at them. Poor babies. But....a little pain, a little gain.

Updates

2009-03-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

Not all is sunny and rosy in life...but we deal.
The biopsy came back, finally, after dad had the growth removed from his bladder. It was cancerous, mostly low grade but a few spots of high grade cancer. Basically he's fine but lucky the cancer gave early warning signs (blood in the urine) and he was able to have it removed before it went traveling. So now, he'll have regular check ups to take a peek inside the bladder. This cancer tends to come back--so he'll probably have to have this procedure done again at some point. But it seems like the urologist sees this a lot and as long as dad gets regular visits, all should be fine. But dad SO did not appreciate that device that went looking inside his bladder with no valium or anesthesia on board, so he'll be really nervous the next time the doctor comes at him with that tool.
As for the state of the family since the Christmas blow out, that's pretty much not changed. My dad still has not had any communication with one of my sisters (I have two) or my brother. In fact, my brother and father likely won't ever patch things up--neither is willing to make the first move. My other sister has called a couple of times and inadvertently spoken to dad (who answered the phone) and made nice chit-chat but really didn't talk about anything related to the argument. Perhaps that relationship could mend, given some more time. Mom is still on good terms with all her kids, to her knowledge. But mom and dad still don't get along too well. It's best when they live parallel because neither has the patience for the other. It's a bummer after 48 years of marriage, but their problems started 20+ years ago and have continued to grow, due to no effective communication and very little in common (aside from their house, its contents and their children/grandkids). At least there has been no more physical violence, but I notice the emotional toll and mental stresses in them almost everyday. They have to figure it out for themselves. I can't help them (although dad seems to think I can do wonders, and if only I would say things to others on his behalf...). Sigh. I can't. I've tried, but I just can't. Dad has gone for counseling twice, but has given up since "she tells me things I already know. I don't need to pay for that." Mom has yet to experience counseling. She thinks it will label her as a "mental patient" and has big hang-ups on psychiatry and counseling in general (although can see how it can help others immensely). I'm stuck in the middle. I can see everyone's point--all quite valid. But no one seems to truly understand and accept the other's perspective. At least everyone is still talking to me, but with an environment this charged, anything could happen. If only they could be civil about it all, agree they don't get along and part ways. Then split up their stuff and try to find a bit of happiness. Maybe living apart is something to consider--a little space might be the ticket. But family get-togethers would be contentious. Maybe. Depends if anyone can find true peace and happiness with the changes. Or if the gatherings would be used to strike out and express, uh.....frustrations. Oh, who are we kidding? Family events are suspended for the forseeable future. Until all this crap either gets buried alive (only to rear its head later) or gets dealt with in an adult, mature manner there will be no multifamily BBQs. The former method is generally the one most often chosen.
Heavy sigh...

Thyroid function and git, git a-goin'

2009-03-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

I had my TSH drawn and results are "normal". The bummer is that I went from 1.2 to 3.6. That's a THREE fold increase! For those a little fuzzy on thyroid function. TSH stands for Thyroid Stimulating Hormone. Basically the lower the number (up to 0.2) the better your metabolism. The normal range is from 0.2 to 5.5, but more recent studies indicate that maybe that range is too wide and should be tightened down from 0.2 to 3 or so. And being of the mentality that laments anything about myself that's not quite as good as it used to be (aka: getting old sucks), I really want my TSH to be less than 2. Like I used to be. Maybe that's asking too much. Afterall, I did just have HALF of my thyroid removed. I can't expect just half the organ to suddenly pick up the slack and work as hard as the whole thing used to. But really, I am. So I'm going to have it tested one more time next month and see where it settles out. Then I'll decide if any more action needs to be considered or decide to count my lucky stars that I did't have cancer, I still have a healthy half of a thyroid that functions "normally", and honestly, I feel fine. The other worry is potential weight gain. I've only bumped up 2-3 pounds, but having been 50 pounds heavier in in my 20's, I'm fearful of things getting beyond my control. Yep, control of myself is something I like.

Plus, I've got 6 weeks before I have to be in decent shape for The Relay. This is a really fun relay race that's 199 miles long. But it's WAY more fun, if you can actually run all three legs without exquisite pain or injuries. I meant to start getting in shape for this in January, but time slipped away. And then February was about surgery and recovery. And now March is halfway over and still I haven't done more than race T to the car. The biggest hurdle is trying to find the time (and energy) to run. I can't do it when I have T. Although someone just gave me an idea that he could ride his bike while I run--and hopefully he will stick close and listen to me so we both stay safe. I'm better about doing AM workouts, but there's just no time for that on school days. At night, I'm just DONE and won't find the energy unless someone knocks on my door and says "Let's go" while bringing a sitter for T.

I vow to go and run 2 miles now, before I need to be volunteering in T's class and start up the sweating before I think about it too much.

UPDATE: I did it! I actually ran (OK jogged) 2 miles. Can you say "chest pain"? (just a litte out of breath!) And I even squeezed out a wind sprint or two. It took 20 minutes, when it used to take me 15, but whatever! I gotta start somewhere. I wonder how much pain tomorrow will bring....

Doubts

2009-03-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched my latest DVD rental: The Pursuit of Happyness. It was a great movie and I especially loved that it was inspired by a true story. Plus I love pretty much anything Will Sm*ith does. But after the movie, as I was laying awake in bed I kept thinking about parenthood--and the way I came to it. It wasn't my plan to be a single mom. But it wasn't acceptable to me, having not been lucky enough to find my lifetime partner, to also throw away my chances of experiencing a pregnancy and being a mom. Add to that the almost insurmountable infertility diagnosis that I was hit with--there was no time to lose! I had to act immediately to have a glimmer of hope of conceiving. There was no time to find a guy, date, get engaged, marry, and then try to make a baby. At the time, it was an easy decision: try like heck to conceive--using donor sperm. I tried to go with a known donor, but it was a difficult question to ask. And each time I got a "I wish I could, but I just can't" answer. A sperm bank was part of my solution and the infertility group at my work was very helpful in guiding me (as well as the chosen sperm bank--in finding the right donor for me).

After many, many, many attempts, I was finally successful with IVF. ( I tried once again with left over frozen embryos but it was unsuccessful.) And now I have a healthy, beautiful, intelligent, thriving 5 year old boy. But after the movie, doubts set in and I thought: Am I doing it right? Am I doing all that I can for my son? What else can I do to make sure he has all he needs? What can I do to make sure I am the best mom I can be for him? And on and on....

There are days that I'm truly embarrassed by my reaction to some of the stuff T does. I get too loud--and clearly, ineffective in my attempts to discipline T so that he actually learns and gets better in the behavior department. I'm definitely getting better but it's totally a work in progress. I have to admit, I learned a lot of techniques from the TV show "Supe*r Nanny". Her techniques really work--as long as you are consistent. I hope that just by being aware of the fact that I'm not a perfect parent will help me to be better as we go along. There's always room for improvement, but time passes SO quickly. I hope I learn the right things in being the best-parent-I-can-be parent before T is all grown! Today, his school pants were almost too short!! He's growing TOO FAST!

Saturday, we had opening ceremonies for T-ball. I felt like I was doing the right thing by having T learn to play baseball and also learning to play with a team and take instructions from a coach. At least it's something that helps me feel like I'm doing the right thing. And then, public school or private?? (He's in public school now, but I'm re-evaluating that decision all the time.)

Here are some pictures of the Opening Ceremony:

The pictures are a little blurry--something's wrong with my camera. Gotta have a check up!

I gotta remember that I actually do own a home, have a job, can pay for power/heating, groceries, toys, cable TV, and almost anything I really want. Those are challenges many other families have that I don't have to deal with. I am so lucky that way!

No one is born an excellent parent. And it really is the hardest, most important job anyone could have. I will keep trying to find ways to be better for T. I think that's the best that I can do. Right?

Coming to a close...

2009-03-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

Wow, the past 4 weeks has just FLOWN by!
But in that time I did a bunch:
1. Had half my thyroid removed along with a benign tumor. Bub-bye troublesome bubble-in-the-neck.
2. Recovered from surgery.
3. Replaced the broken backyard fence.
4. Painted my bedroom and master bath, with mom's help ;).
5. Touch up painted where ever needed in the rest of the house.
6. Re-caulked my bath tub.
6. Rearranged furniture in the living room and bedrooms, and switched area rugs around for a totally new and fresh feel to the house. For no money! Yay!
7. Created a "play room" for T.
8. Started up T-ball season and purchased T's first baseball uniform. SO cute! Pictures are this Saturday with opening ceremonies.
9. Replaced my old (very old and broken!) water softener and added a reverse osmosis filter system in the kitchen. Our water sucks and was in dire need of help. Now...it's darn yummy!
10. Bought a pair of new shoes for myself.
11. Admired my gorgeous daffodils.
12. Sewed 3 tea cozies (one for my sister, mom and myself).
13. Ordered replacement shutters for the front window (the old ones were WAY weather beaten and too much work to restore).
14. Washed my car. OK...I HAD it washed, but still. It's done.
15. Had my taxes done.
16. Replaced the lighting fixtures in the master bath--sort of forced to due to the accidental breaking of one of the glass shades (and can't find any replacements in the required size).
17. Cooked some pretty awesome dinners for T and myself.
18. Placed some items for sale on Crai*g's List (haven't sold any, but at least I tried).
19. Continued to volunteer in T's classroom AND attended a meeting about next year's school budget and creating priorities for too little money.
20. Admired my daffodils...again.
21. Trimmed and shaped my trees.
22. Washed all my windows. OK... again, I HAD it done. But I sure do appreciate how beautiful my views are now!
23. Uploaded all the pictures from my camera into my computer and started to label them.
24. Repaired a sock and a pair of sweat pants for T.
25. Had all my teeth "root planed" to remove the "barnacles" living below the gum line. Next month I should have very happy gums gleefully hugging each and every tooth.
26. Watched 4 Net*flix movies. That's pretty good, since it took me over 6 months to finally watch Ladder 49 (but school stuff always put that one off).

All that, in addition to weekly library trips to get more books for reading with T, races and game playing with T, and all the other "normal" stuff that life requires, or I just plain choose to do.

That's quite a bit for being post surgery, now isn't it?? Good thing I only had about 4 days of real discomfort. If I ever need surgery again, I'm going with the same doc. She was AWESOME and totally gets needing some R&R before heading back to the usual grind.
T and I really enjoyed ourselves.
Today, I'm going to see Slu*mdog Millionaire with my mom and and my friend Mel.
And this weekend I might have my sister and her daughters over for a slumber party. I'm saving the newest Net*flix movie for the occasion: Pursuit of Happyness.
Life is good!
And I'm ready to start back to work next Tuesday! Good thing I wrote all my passwords down before I left. You know you've had a worthy vacation from work if it's been solid enough to forget your passwords. I can only remember one of the four--so that's a good sign!

New Fence. Check!

2009-02-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

Yay! I have a new back yard fence! And the neighbors even agreed to the 12" topper (double lattice) so I don't have to peek into their kitchen anymore. Not to mention that the 8 foot gaping hole is no longer there! It almost feels "un-neighborly" to put the fence up and prevent any communication by easily putting my foot/leg/body over and through the failing fence. But now we have exchanged our phone numbers and I've also offered to keep an eye on their home while they go on an extended vacation overseas--which they seemed to appreciate. We split the bill 50/50 and she even brought us over some homemade chocolate chip cookies. Having good neighbors is priceless. And you know what they say, "Good fences, make good neighbors." So, by that stance, we should become even better friends.
Funny, I hadn't really thought of my spending money as being good for the economy but yesterday I could clearly see that my plunking down a large check would be allowing Fence-Man Juan the ability to cut checks for his hard-working crew, and a better day-to-day life for many people that rely on them.
I feel good about that. Now I just have to juggle a little money from one account to cover the check I wrote (or it would assuredly bounce!).
On the downside, T had a pretty significant asthma attack two nights ago, despite my starting with the inhalers as soon as the cough arrived. At least I was able to calm him (with inhalers and Tylenol for the fever) and get the breathing rate to less than 30/minute (and no wheezing or laboring) and he fell asleep 2 hours later. Of course it always happens around 2AM. I'm very thankful we didn't have to go the the ER. Last night it was nearly as bad, but he slept most of the night (as long as I was crammed next to him in his twin sized "big boy bed").
Now, on to prepping my bedroom for painting! And a birthday party for T's friend from school.
I'm looking forward to another day where I can scratch something off my list. Soooo exciting!

Some Success

2009-02-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

Hey, yesterday's blog note was a nice way to focus my efforts on what needs doing.
Actually there were a few things I didn't write down that were on the list in my mind.
Yesterday, I called and arranged for 2 quotes to replace the backyard fence that's been falling apart for the last 10 years. This morning I had a third one. Now I have enough information to present to my neighbors to chose which company and what type of fence (6 foot or 7 foot--with or without lattice). I'd like the extra privacy so I don't have to look at their kitchen and bedroom windows (and I'm assuming they can see into mine). But it's an extra expense, so maybe they don't want to. I'm totally OK with any fence, just as long as it's standing straight up and no boards are missing!
Then I spot cleaned the chair I intend to sell and also the living room and T's bedroom carpet. The living room one really needs to be professionally cleaned but for now it will do.
I also trimmed my orange tree and hope that by removing the very top branches (that weren't producing fruit) that more energy will go into sweetening up the bazillion oranges on there now. They are beautiful and look ripe but the taste is more like a lemon than an orange. The look on T's face when he bit into it was priceless. And he still wanted to suck on it. Blech. He really likes tangy stuff. It was a little too much for me! Let's hope that a bit more time and sun will make them yummy. I also cleared off all the tree crud that's been building on the backyard shed and cleared out the gutters. I was mortified to find a few weeds had been growing on the back side that were over a foot high! What must my neighbors have thought! The roof is really old and half rotted in places (wood shake do that eventually!) but the tree crud build-up makes the process go that much faster. And I'm not quite ready to plunk down the money for a new roof for my home and backyard sheds just yet. Probably a project for next year.
I also trimmed the rosemary bush and English Ivy plants in the backyard. And then the gardeners showed up (typically mow and blow guys but they do trim my rose bushes once a year) and they removed the large piles of greenery I'd built AND asked if I had any fertilizer. Well, of course I did! So he fertilized the front and back lawns too. Yay! One more thing off my lengthy inside-my-brain list.
My mom came by later in the day and I recruited her to help me prepare and then paint my bedroom. I mean, I could have done it on my own, but it's WAY more fun to paint with someone else. Plus she's got all the supplies and lots of experience in painting. Her arthritic fingers don't let her do all she wants to do, but I hope to have her do mostly light work and keep me company. She loves to do this kind of thing too. It gets her out of the house and makes her feel useful--and capable of doing what she wants. She's a stubborn sort. And very, very patient. Waaaaay more patient than I could ever be. I wish I had that virtue. She's also a perfectionist. I have that quality in small amounts but she won't finish a project until it's PERFECT. She's amazing.
Anyway, back to the fence. I got the courage to walk through the fence and knock on the back door but just as I was about to, he opened it and said he'd tried to visit last night to talk about fence quotes. He said mine were lower than his and he seemed willing to get this project going. He'll talk it over with his wife and if all is good, the work may start on Monday. Unfortunately, it's been pretty rainy and I think Sunday another storm is blowing in. Today would have be perfect weather for outside work. Oh well. I'm just really glad it's going to be done. Now, to find the money! I know it's in a bank account somewhere. Honestly, I've been a little fearful to check out how much is left in savings after all this economic downturn crap. I'm worth about 47% less than I used to be. Dammit.
The neighbors phoned and asked if they could pick up T with their daughter from after-school care and so he was happily playing in the neighborhood with a few kids when I returned from the nursery. Mom and I went there to do a little detective work on a plant that has been growing in my sister's home. They had rented it out for a few years and now have moved back in (after losing their big beautiful home in a short sell due to crazily rising mortgage payments). She has a "honey bush" and even though the foliage is nice, it's a little leggy and not as beautiful as something else she will eventually pick out. She'll be yanking it out shortly. But now she knows what she's yanking on! lol
I love my neighbors and feel much more in touch since 3 of T's classmates live around the block. Too bad they don't live ON my block, but still, close enough. It felt nice to stand around with 3-4 of the parents, watching the kids play and laughing about nothing in particular.
Having been so busy, I forgot to plan for dinner and Rou*nd Table Pizza sounded SO good. So we piled in the car and made our way to dinner. T ate THREE pieces and even ate the green peppers and the crust too! He's growing up so fast! After he finished eating, a girl of 7 or 8 years old saw him pretend-play with the electronic games in the corner and she put 2 quarters in to let him play. I was so surprised that the game was actually going and he was working the "race car". In all my year, no stranger ever gave me money so I could play a game. I thanked her profusely and T said, "Thanks" like it was no biggie. Actually he said thanks many more times after we left. So I think the soft spoken "thanks" was more shyness than anything. He's really cautious around "big kids"--anyone in 1st grade or more. It's a good thing, but can also make you a target for any potential bully. We've already had a few little problems at his after school care but have been able to address the kids and their attitudes so far.
Well, I've got to finish the 2 loads of washing I've started and then begin filling holes and cracks in the walls.

One Week Done, Three To Go

2009-02-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a week since my surgery. I felt sort of out of it for about 3 days and every day since has been easier. I was so excited to have this time off work to really get some things accomplished, but a week has flown by and NOTHING has been done yet. I had all these ideas on what I could do with this time: go to the snow (but it's actively snowing this week and I will not try to brave the roads--learned that lesson the hard way), paint my room (reeealy tired of the pea green color), touch up the walls and trim with paint in the rest of the house, trim the orange tree, sew 3 tea cozies--my sister, mom and myself, darn a sock and a pair of sweat pants for T, trade two large area rugs in my bedrooms (a new look instantly!), take pictures and post various items that T doesn't play with on Craig*s List, clean out my garage and have a mini garage sale to lighten the load of all baby boys clothes I was unable to separate myself from earlier, de-clutter my small living space in general (which includes removing and rearranging furniture, and replacing my HUGE old TV with a sleek flat screened TV, post and sell my recliner chair on Craig*s List, wash the windows, have my living room rug cleaned, clean T's bedroom rug myself, and at least start a memory book for either the story of my son's creation OR my niece's trip to NYC and Paris (almost 2 years ago now!). Just a few things, but I'm feeling a huge lack of focus and energy. Part of my delay is just getting out from under the side effects of the darvocet and part of it is that T has had an extra 2 days off school (Lincoln's bday and President's day), so I spent more time playing with him. Not that I'm complaining! That's golden time, but in the back of head, the various projects/items are still tapping my on my shoulders, head, neck, and making me itch in general.
Plus, the items I need to sell (in great economic times, I'd have probably given them away, but now I'm trying to be smarter about this) have to be done without T's knowledge. He has a melt down when he sees me remove anything that has always been here and belongs to him. He still keeps asking about the pink scooter (we still have 2 other more boyish type scooters) we gave to the neighbor girl and when we'll be getting it back. So this time off work, while he's at school is an excellent time for that. I keep saying that to myself to motivate myself to DO IT. But so far, my in-action just makes for a little queasiness and a dull head ache sets in.
But now that I've just created an actual list of things I want to do...I'll print it and gleefully mark things off as I accomplish a few items! I love making lists--just so I can cross things off and feel successful!
Last night I made a recipe I saw on the cooking channel--curried coconut shrimp appetizers. Actually it turned out to be our entire dinner. Too much work to make any side dishes! It was pretty good, but I think I should have actually written down the recipe before attempting it. I think I had too much coconut and not enough bread crumbs because it didn't want to stick to the tiger shrimp too well (even double dipping into the egg white did little). T helped too and we had a great time doing it. But I had to let some control go on how much (or little) the coating was on the little fishies. Otherwise I would have ended up re-doing all T's efforts. And he was so proud to help. But they they looked fabulous after baking--all toasted and crispy! Next time, I'll follow the actual recipe and see how much better they can be.

It's All Good

2009-02-12T12:14:00.000-08:00

Yesssirrreee! The surgery is done and everything is A-OK!
The whole experience was soooo lovely.
Everyone took such wonderful care of me. I felt like I floated into surgery and I tried to remember the operating room but once they brought me in I saw the lights on the ceiling and that's all I remember. No one else in the room except the guy that wheeled me in. The CRNA was one I'd known well from my L&D days. She's great! And the surgeon was wonderful too. Even one of my patients ended up doing my H&P. I didn't have ANY nausea or nastiness. In fact, I reacted to the IV morphine so much that I kept forgetting to breathe! My surgery started around 11:45AM and I woke up at about 5:00PM annoyed that that machine kept beeping at me. I'd crack my eyes open and noticed a big ZERO on there indicating I hadn't taken a breath for the last 24 seconds. And I had no desire to breathe either. It was a weird, calm feeling. I totally didn't care. I was quite comfortable. Mom kept feeding me ice chips because everytime I took some in the O2 monitor would climb back up over 90%. It was after 6PM that they could bring me to my room with the apnea episodes finally leaving me. The didn't let me sleep much--vitals were about every 3 hours. Plus I had to sit up to sleep--hard to do, but with drugs on board I was sort of unable to do much else. Plus I was tied down with these SED boots pumping up on my calves and the IV and machine making it drip. Having to call to ask to go the bathroom wasn't fun. They just sit outside the door and wait for me to finish. And if I take a bit too long...They barge in and ask if I'm alright! Right now, I feel like someone has kicked me in the throat. They glued it shut--no stitches or steri-strips. Not even a bandage. Of course the mass was not cancerous. Yay! But the doctor said it was only the size of a grape. I wonder why the radiology tech measured 2.5 x 5 cm in October?? They said they can vary in size, going up and down, but that seems like a big overestimation to me. Either way, it's over and I'm glad about that. Now I hope the TFTs (thyroid function tests) will be normal. I go to see the doctor in 2 weeks to see how things are healing, etc. I sure will enjoy this time to recover. Talking is hard to do but the doctor said I can talk--just not all day long.
I recieved lots of messages by phone and email as well as regular ol' fashioned visits too. My friends are the GREATEST!
Thank you all for your love and support.
Here's a picture of my crazy-glued incision:

Interesting, huh? OK, maybe gross to some of you, but I never expected to wake up with a glued-shut incision! I think it's cool!
T was a total trooper too. I told him the day before the event that the next day mama would be going to the hospital so that a bubble could be removed from my neck. He asked if there would be any pain or shots. I assured him they were going to give me good medicine with a breathing machine just like the one you use when you can't breathe so well (his asthma nebulizer treatments). He was fine with that. And so my mom attended to me while T was at school. When I was out of the recovery room, mom went to pick up T from after-school care. They went out for his choice dinner--Pizza! And then he slept in his big boy bed without any problems or whining. Mom was ready to bring him in for a visit if he was upset. But he was quite happy to have his day go the "normal" way--with his Oma in my place. He said to mom, "Well, if Mama gets another bubble, and another bubble and another bubble, everything will be OK." As long as his routine doesn't change, he's all good with that. But there can't be any shots involved.

Just a little virus

2009-01-31T13:06:00.000-08:00

So my thyroid surgery is coming up and I'm getting all my ducks in a row--disability papers, notices to managers, updating voice mails, emails, computer work access issues...there's a lot of stuff to tie up!
Last week I suddenly found it nearly impossible to swallow and the lymph glands on my neck were quite sore to the touch. By total coincidence, I stumbled upon a magazine in the radiology department and on the cover was an article about "Thyroid cancer in adults". So I had to read it. Of course all my symptoms were listed right there in black and white! Except I had no difficulty breathing and could still eat well enough. Trying to keep my cool, I ran it by some co-workers and we just shrugged and nodded that it was good the surgery was coming up. But theeeennnn, the next day it was SO clear I caught a virus that ATTACKED my throat with a vengeance! I couldn't swallow at all unless I took ibuprofen! Fortunately, within a week, I was back to normal. Whew. I thought it was going to throw off the surgery schedule, but no, it's all still on track.
My co-workers gave me a wonderful potluck lunch party as a little send off before I leave work for four weeks. It was quite a to-do and there was SO much great food! It really made me realize how much they care. Nice to work with such great people. I was feelin' the love...
Today is the last day I will live without a scar on my throat. Sounds funny, but that's what seems to be on mind the most. I guess, because I'll always see it when I look in the mirror. And I tend to keloid when I have scars, so I'm HOPING that it heals without any trouble or extra ugliness. And, of course, I hope the surgery goes well and the nodule is just a growing thing and not a malignant thing. And then, that the remaining half of my thyroid (should I get to keep it) works hard enough to avoid having to take thyroid replacement hormones forever.
Ahhh. Yep. It will all be alright. And over with by tomorrow afternoon.
But I'm still kinda nervous.
T has been a good kid, as usual. Today, in my hour's volunteer time in his class, I got to play bingo with the kids (4 at a time). Each card had 16 different words they were learning to recognize and read this week. As I held up an index card with one of the words, the kids had to read the word and put a marker on their card over that word. The first one to get four in row, won. And then they read aloud their four words. It was fun and most the kids did really well. Sometimes just having the patience to look and finally find the word was enough for some kids. When they found the word or read the word there was high-fives and thumbs up all around the table. Every child found some level of success with the bingo game. And it was really fun too.
Today I told T that I would be having an operation to take out a bump in my throat. He was worried that it would hurt and I told him that they would give me medicine so I won't feel a thing. The he worried that the pain medicine would hurt. I told him "no", so he asked if he could try some too! Well, I admitted that it would be a "shot" and might hurt just a little...and that's all he needed to change his mind on that!

Blood in the Urine, What's That Mean?

2009-01-22T16:09:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, my dad was distressed to see quite a bit of blood while hovering over the toilet to pee. He went to the doctors that day and an infection was ruled out, but a referral to a urologist was sent. A few days later he had a consultation with the urologist and he did a cystoscopy and found a 1 cm mass inside the bladder. The cystoscopy was traumatizing enough for him, but finding a mass was a little unsettling too. It's too early to jump to conclusions, but the doctor did send him off with some paper work, including a colorful pamphlet explaining about bladder cancer. Bummer. I'm assuming he knows what he's doing and has seen these types of masses before. I'll trust his judgement. Not looking good.
Today dad had a CT scan of the abdomen to check for any signs of metastases (I'm guessing since this isn't my area of expertise) and he'll be having surgery soon to remove and biopsy the bladder mass. Fortunately the blood in the urine is gone, but that doesn't mean the mass disappeared. But it's less distressing to dad at least.
One day at a time....We'll see how this plays out.

You know your getting old when...

2009-01-22T15:58:00.000-08:00

The other day I was watching TV when a show touting a new kind of home insulation caught my eye. They had this box with 2 bright lights shining over some shiney blanket material on top of the usual pink fluffy insulation material and then a temperature probe underneath that. They proudly showed that the one with pink fluff but without the aluminum blanket on it was getting pretty hot (like over 150 degrees). The other one though, with this silver sheet on top, was staying a more comfortable 80 degrees. Interesting...
So I was sucked in and convinced of this "space blanket's" value. I made an appointment and after an hour of hearing the same infomercial face to face, I bought it. I can't wait for it to be installed! I'm going to compare my energy bills month to month AND what it was last year at the same time. I hope their promises translate well to my gas and electric bill!
I'm surprised as how excited I became in getting insulation that would bring my bills down and make my home more comfortable year 'round. Eeeech. Now I KNOW I'm getting old.

Disneyland

2009-01-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

Woody and T

Me, Mickey and T

E and T, half sibs

M, a half sib and her mom

T tries to pull out the sword to see if he's the true prince. No idea why it didn't let loose!

T, M and E in Toon Town

Posing with Mickey

Breakfast at Goofy's kitchen

We all had a great time in Disneyland! We met some friends and the kids got along pretty well. Aside from the competitive nature of both boys. Standing in line FIRST or being pushed in the stroller and getting ahead of the pack. That got tiring. But the whole place and the experience was magical. And for January, the weather was GORGEOUS! (aside from the famous Santa Ana winds on day #1) The first day, we were SO lucky that another family we met had annual passes and she knew just what a 5 year old would want to do. So she was our tour guide for the day. T his half brother E and half sister M had all day to play and explore the park together and get to know each other a little. T doesn't look too much like the others (got most of his good looks from my side of the family perhaps) but there were similarities with E and M. M is a beautiful, well behaved little girl. She'll be 5 in 2 months so they were all well matched for size and age. And E is a handsome, rather tall (almost as tall as T), rambunctious 5 year old boy. Pictures to be added to this post soon.
The second day, M and her mom weren't with us so we made a list of things we wanted to see and do. We rode Space Mountain first. It was the first roller coaster ride T has ever had. after the second wild whip around a corner in the dark starry atmosphere, he was laying down with his head in my lap. Poor baby. In the flash photo they try to get you to buy, all you can see is me looking down to my right and absolutely nothing in T's seat. After the first hour of exploring, while standing in a long, long line for some ride on our list an older women dressed in park employee clothes asked me how many were in our party. I told her "five" and she said, "Come and follow me." I almost hesitated, having to get out of line but she took us right up to the front, entered in the exit and placed us right there in front to get on the ride! T took one look at that ride and said, "No thanks. I don't want to go on that!" He'd had enough of roller coaster type rides! But I think it was more a water type ride. Either way, no way we were going on it with T. So the kind lady asked what else was on our list. And we had a list to show her! I told her it was our first time there and so she came up with "First time visit" buttons for everyone, and also pins to trade with others later. Apparently, pin trading is a big pass-time for lots of folks. And some are worth a lot of money! Then she gave us 3 more written passes to take on any ride we wanted. We didn't have to stand in line at all. When I asked her why she chose and and how come she was giving us such special treatment, she said, "It's just magic." Wow. It was a most wonderful day, thanks to "Pat". Because we didn't have to stand in hardly any lines the kids were much better behaved and less tired. And me too! We were very lucky to have caught her eye!

One of our most favorite rides was the Toy Story ride in California Adventures Park. It was a new one and we waited 45 minutes to get in. But it was worth it. If you have the chance--make sure you try that one. After going on many rides and shows, after 2 full days we were pretty much pooped. Actually we could have handled one more day to see all the things we really wanted and experience the things we REALLY liked more than once, but all good things come to an end. T was very excited to go on a plane. This was actually his fourth plane ride, but it seems this was the first time he realized it was a PLANE and not a bus or train (although those things are exciting for him as well). Jet Blue served us very well and we will certainly try to fly with them again, given the chance.
I'm happy to come home again and eat something besides restaurant food. Burgers, fries, soda. It gets tiring. I have a hankering for some good ol' fashioned home cooking with vegetables and meat! But I didn't leave without getting my quota of cotton candy!! I love that stuff.
It's good to leave but just as good to come home again. I hope we can visit the park again in another year or two. It's such a great place for kids, but nearly as much fun for BIG kids too.

Cuddling a new baby...

2009-01-05T23:23:00.000-08:00

Today I met with an old friend who was blessed 10 weeks ago with her fourth baby. Fourth, you say? Seems, well, abundant. But hers is an interesting story.
I met K as my patient when I worked in Labor and Delivery. She bounced in with her husband and said she was 20 weeks along with their first child and felt she might have broken the bag of waters. They were young newlyweds and quite handsome together. I showed them to their room and felt sure she must have sneezed and leaked a little. Happens all the time. But no. She truly had broken her bag. And labor soon followed. In the next few days, after giving her everything in our arsenal to stop it, she delivered a son. He died soon after birth of prematurity. I generally took care of the dead or dying babies because I could still function without too much emotion (have no kid of my own back then) and felt it was really important to create mementos and positive moments with their "forever" baby while they could. I made foot prints, collected hair when I could, and put together a little book of memories that they could look at later, when they were ready or needed to. K and I just clicked. And we kept in touch after she went home. She became pregnant again a few month later. And again...delivered the baby at 17 weeks. Another boy. The next time she got pregnant, she was on bed rest immediately, tocolytics (medications that stop labor), a cerclage placed (like a purse string in the cervix) and it helped get her the farthest she ever got. But then it happened. At the worst time. A point where the baby COULD survive but probably not very well. He came out at 22 weeks gestation and lived in the NICU for 26 days. He suffered multiple brain bleeds and lungs that could not breathe. It was tortuous for them, and all those that loved them. That was her 6th loss overall, and 3rd one on the 2nd trimester. No one could come up with any reason or diagnosis as to why she kept kicking those babes out so early. She touched the nurses so deeply that one nurse who had successfully delivered her own child offered to be a surrogate for them. All went well and the baby (another boy) was delivered full term into their aching arms. A few years more go by and once again, they agree with their surrogate to try again. And holy cow! Two for the price of one! Well, not really. Surrogacy and it's expenses are crazy. But money is secondary to dreams. They worked hard and did well enough to take on the costs. And again, a successful pregnancy and delivery of twins--a boy and a girl. After all that stimulation to K's ovaries they had quite a few embryos left over and didn't really know what to do with them. The paid for their continued freezing put their energies and love into raising three beautiful children. But after 10 or so years, having been successful in their business ventures and loving being parents, they decided to try one more time with the left over embryos. There were 12 in all. They contracted with another surrogate. This one had had 5 of her own girls and did pregnancy and delivery quite well. These embryos had been frozen for 10 and 12 years, and in that time things have changed. Mediums, storage tubes, etc. Who knew what to expect after having been frozen for so long? After the thaw, only one embryo survived. They placed it in the surrogate's uterus and didn't even make a follow up appointment or testing, feeling sure it would fail. But, when the surrogate starting vomiting, they tested and WOW. A baby was on its way. A term, healthy baby girl was born and my friends are over the moon! She is perfect in every way--chubby cheeks, spit up, pooping, smiling, cooing and that intoxicatingly sweet baby smell! She is the genetic twin of their first born child, having been conceived on the same day, about 12 years ago. Weird, huh? Science is a beautiful thing. I could NOT be happier for them. Through heartache and lots of perseverance and prayer, their dreams came true. If you've gotten this far in my post, please read the next sentence ALOUD. I hope anyone with arms that ache for a child of their very own, get that wish granted. If we all say it a few more times, maybe more people experiencing the pain of infertility will realize their dream too.

Looking Forward to 2009

2009-01-05T21:49:00.000-08:00

Just like a lot of people, I'm happy to see 2008 go and anticipate 2009 to be a much better year. For me, school papers and demands just sucked up all my free time. Or if I pretended to have free time to do fun stuff, my mind was still occupied by the stuff I had to do or deadline coming up. Spoils the level of fun, you know? And then there's all the money I used to have that somehow vaporized into thin air. I better not think on it or I'll find my hair leaving my head in large tufts. On to more happy thoughts...
Even though I am loving this sense of freedom without school demands, my mind keeps coming up with crazy things to do that will bring my overall stress levels to just below my nose. Why is it that I always do that to myself? I was thinking of house hunting for a bigger house in a lovely neighborhood, near a creek (so T could explore at will). But it would be a huge chunk of money, a new loan and 30 more years of payments. Silly. Especially since the home I have now is big enough for T and I and we still have an extra bedroom for any guest that might pop by. Plus, with more money going to mortgage and taxes, I'll probably have to work full time and worry if I'll make the payments for a while. As difficult as this is...I need to reign myself in. After much thinking, I've decided to NOT move and rather work on the little home I have. I'll try to make it the model home I dream of--chose paint colors and accessories that make me happy. And fix all those little things I've overlooked the last 10 years. Then, once it's finished I'll be quite proud to show it off to anyone who visits AND if that perfect bigger house lands in my lap....I'll be ready to sell!
So that's the plan on the home front. I haven't called my old contractor yet. BIG projects can wait. Although I got sucked in to having a free home evaluation on energy conservation and this new kind of insulation. It was quite persuasive in the infomercial! They'll come in 2 weeks and if it looks good, I'm having it installed. This house was never insulated until I got here. So now the attic is pink and fluffy but the walls and crawl space have nothing. And I'm considering solar power installation too. My gas and electric bills are giving ME gas...and indigestion. Tooooo high!
One thing high on my list is to update and beautify my fireplace. I like the original mantle, but the tile around it and in front of it is plain and sort of cheap looking. It's original from 1948,when the house was built, but I think it could be improved upon. This will take a bit of research but I'm sure I'll find the right materials. Then I need to repair some hardwood flooring that was damaged by the hot water heater in the hallway. I have since had the heater moved to the garage and now that closet space houses my vacuum, but the damaged floor remains. And it bugs me.
And I gotta paint. But I hate painting. Well, I don't hate the painting. I just don't like the preparation before and the cleaning up after. The actual painting I quite like.
And new shutters for the front of my house. The old ones look, well, old. And they're only 5 years old. But the sun is hard on them and they are weathered and need of attention. The shutters are very labor intensive with the sanding of each louver--so I'm going to look for something easier to keep up. But still keep them a lovely, shiny dark green color. To match the front door.
And I think I'll put more effort into dating. Ewww. It just give me goose bumps to think about it. Having never been married and being, well, old--er. I have done more dating than anyone ought to. But I can count on one hand the dates I've had since I had T. I've not really "put myself out there" so maybe I'll be more adventurous and see what turns up.
This year, I will be taking the third of my four nieces/nephews out on their trip of choice. I made a promise to each of them, that when they turn 13 years old, they could choose anywhere in the world they wanted to go and I would take them there for a 7-10 day trip. The first nephew chose Orlando, Florida (to see Universal Studios) and then I added a 4 day trip to Paradise Island in the Bahamas. I had to add it to get SOME sense of adventure and perhaps a little culture. It was a great trip, even though it felt like I was dragging a bag of rocks around with me. He had no sense of adventure, and just wanted to hang around in the hotel room and watch Nickelodeon TV. What a waste. It could have so much more. But, for him, it was a great trip.
The second one (my niece) couldn't chose between NY city and Paris, France. So I suggested we spend 3 days in NYC on our way to Paris! She went for it. We did lots of bicycle tours in NYC and Paris. Plus all the tourist spots and fancy hotels and great food and museums. She was an excellent travel companion. This next one seems to be leaving it up to me. All she has said it that she would like to go where the ocean is warm. None of these kids had ever been on a plane, let alone ever outside of their home state, so getting on a jet is as new and exciting as the destination. I'm thinking about Costa Rica, but haven't totally made up my mind. Half of the choosing part is having them do research on our Earth's globe and figure out where they are and where they want to explore. And then anticipating the trip. I'll nudge her a little more to consider different places and we'll see what she comes up with. T has stayed home with my parents for the last 2 trips. He was young enough that the trip would have turned to focus onT rather than my nephew/niece, so he could not come. Depending on the destination, I may opt to take him along this time. If he doesn't go, I vow to take him on annual trips to adventurous destinations that we chose together. I love to travel and don't need much of an excuse to pack up and go.
After this year's trip, the last one to turn 13 won't be until 2013, so I'll have some time to make up my own destinations between now and then. I know I'll be going to Holland in 2010, but I think I'll add another country while I'm there. I've never seen any of Scandinavia, England, Ireland or Scotland--and all are pretty close to Holland. But then I'll have less time to spend in Holland with my family and friends there. We'll see how that one works itself out.
This Thursday, T and I are going to Disneyland! I've only been twice and the last time was 1993 so it will be exciting. We are meeting 2 other families that used the same donor I did to create their families. So T will be spending time with some of his extended family that he has yet to know. He's understanding more of what family is and how they are different or similar. It will be interesting to see what he thinks after meeting more siblings--another 5 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. They are actually half siblings of T's, but I don't like that description. I'd rather call them siblings. He knows E and J, twin girls who are 5 months younger than T and live just 45 minutes drive from us. They call each other brother and sister and we see them about every 3-4 months for the past (almost) 4 years. He had met 7 of his siblings in 2006 but he was too young to process any of this stuff. He knows he has a donor but sometimes seems frustrated that he can't meet him. I don't really have the perfect thing to say to that so I stay vague and tell him that if his donor knew where we were and how wonderful you are, he would come for a visit and say hello. He says, that would be great and then it's on to playing a game of Uno or drawing pictures together. He'd not overly interested. Maybe that's the way it will be. I'll just take it as it comes, and be honest with him. Anyway, I can't wait to post about the adventures waiting for us in Anaheim!

Staple removal

2009-01-03T09:16:00.000-08:00

Well, last night, as promised to my boy, I took out the staples in his head from his monkey bar accident 2 weeks ago. I've taken lots of staples out, but always in the abdomen--not the scalp. He was excited and looking forward to it, although they didn't seem to bug him at all. As soon as I got home he was asking when I'd do it. So I got down to business.
I showed him the tool and let him work it. Then he laid his little head down and I squeezed the device around the staple to open it up. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep my word that it was painless (as it's almost always been for my patients). Keeping the staples in for 2 weeks allowed for extra scabbing/growth around the boo-boo and it didn't come out as easily or painlessly as I wanted. T was very upset and crying and didn't want the other one to come out. Being upset myself but also SO wanting the chance to take out the other one (there were only two, thank goodness!) I cuddled with him and told him how brave he was. I showed him the staple and he thought it was cool. But, that pain part, he didn't want any more of that! After a few minutes of soothing, he was shaking slightly but ready to put his head down and allow me to remove the other staple. He held still on his own and I removed the last one with much less pain (it was less embedded--hooray!). And that was that! T was excited that he did it but also clearly stressed. The level of trust he gives me is so humbling to me. I mean, it's the same thing I'd feel for my parents, but when another human being gives you that kind of faith, it's an amazing feeling to experience. The rest of the evening he was totally wired up, snapping his fingers (quite proud of how he can do that) and playing Sorry, Trouble, Connect 4 and Uno with me until it was time for bath and bed.
T will be bringing in the staples and staple remover to Kindergarten the next time he gets a Special Sharing time with his class.

Happy Birthday Mom

2008-12-30T13:36:00.001-08:00

My mom's birthday is December 26. It's a bummer for her since most people are "gifted out" by the time the 26th rolls around. She often gets gifts wrapped in Xmas paper or a "two-parter" type gift that's related to something she got on Christmas.
To separate out her day from Christmas, the 25th has turned into a day of rest, with all the Santa hoopla on the 24th.
The last few years, we've taken the train up to the city and we celebrate a bit up there, check out the holiday decorations, have dinner and then come back. Dad generally doesn't want to go, so we didn't bother asking him this year (especially considering the mood that has filled their house since the closing of our Christmas celebrations).
We had a lovely time! T was SO excited to be on a train. He's been on it before, but was scared of the loud noises while waiting for it to arrive at the stations. This year, he seemed to understand it was a train (and not a bus or plane) . And he proudly told our fellow passengers that he wasn't afraid anymore. He was almost TOO excited and was difficult to get him to listen to me about where he could and could not sit (NOT in front of the doors!), etc. But he loved all the busy-ness of the city, the lights, the people. He even got a "magic wand" from the clown making balloon toys on the corner. And if you haven't tried a cream puff from Beard Papa's, you are missing something fantastic! Especially the eclairs. Yum, yummy! It was mom's make-shift birthday cake and she loved it--plus sharing the day with us is always high on her list.
Happy Birthday Mom.

Christmas Post

2008-12-30T12:38:00.000-08:00

The holidays are about tradition and every family has their own. Mine are morphing and I'm looking for new ways to celebrate or add to the festivities.
The Christmas gifts start early at our house. Santa just couldn't come to every one's house in one day so he fills the stockings during the night (on the 23rd) to be found Christmas Eve morning. Then in the evening the big show begins:
Our Christmas time has always been on the night of the 24th. Mainly because my mom is NOT a morning person, plus her birthday is the 26th and she wanted a day of separation between Christmas gifts and birthday celebrations. (It does suck to have a birthday near Christmas--at least my mom has always felt that way.) Everyone comes to mom and dad's house in the late afternoon. We hang out, chat, watch holiday movies and eat dinner--usually Bami Goreng (a lovely Indonesian noodle dish my mom does especially well). Then, when it's dark, Santa arrives and knocks on the front door with a big, heart-pounding banging. All the kids run to the front door and find lots of presents waiting there for them. We all sing out "Thank you Santa!!" as the gifts are gathered and placed near the Christmas tree. In the early days, my mom would hand out the gifts, 2 or 3 at a time so everyone could ooooo and ahhhh at each gift given. After the last gift is opened, we all shout out together another "Thank you Santa Claus!!" and then we gather ourselves and head home with happy hearts and arms full of Christmas wishes come true.
T was thrilled to find presents in his stocking. It was so heart warming to watch him open gifts he knew Santa brought just for him. The rest of the day was exciting too because he would be seeing his cousins AND Santa would bring more gifts on his way back to the North Pole. I still haven't figured out OUR family tradition on when to open the gifts under our own tree but this year Santa came and brought more gifts under our own tree (to be found on Christmas morning), but I'm not sure I'll keep that timing in the future. Sooo many presents and too hard to tell the story of how Santa comes for stockings and then later for presents in the evening. We'll see how it evolves...Either way, T was happy as "a pig in mud" (G-rated version since we're talkin' about kids here). The memory of the level of delight on that cute little face will be with me always. He was just as happy opening his own gifts as he was helping me hand them out to everyone else. His most cherished gift so far is the Leapster games he received. I love them because they are all educational and he loves them because it's fun! But every single gift is cherished and he's played with them all, already.
Everything went really well.
Until, the rather loud discussion between my sister and dad started up. It might have been a fight, but voices were kept to a loud rumble and actual communication was happening. All the kids were corralled outside and watched over by the adults not involved in the "communication" and at the end, my father had managed to alienated one more family member. Well, actually two: my brother is no longer welcome in my parent's home. Suffice it to say that counseling will be starting and I will no longer write about this topic on this forum. It is family stuff that should remain within the family. Every family has their issues, and we are no exception. But, boy, would I like to be!

A bit too much excitement for one mom

2008-12-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

T, 5 1/2 years old

Last Saturday I went out for some last minute shopping at a nearby discount store to finish up the Christmas list wishes. Mom and I were feeling pretty relieved that we had found all that we needed for a hopefully successful Christmas time together. My dad watched T and had decided to take advantage of the break in the rainy weather for some fun at the nearby park. It's one of the things Dad does with T and they spend hours there, often coming back after dark. At first I really worried that something had happened to them, but each time they just lost track of time or stopped to chat at a neighbors house on their way back home.

So last Saturday when Mom and I returned back to their home at 6:15PM and it was pitch dark outside I didn't worry too much but wondered what would they want to do in the cold and dark after being at the park for what would have been four hours at that point. Minutes later, the phone rang. My mom picked it up and it was Dad. That's weird. He doesn't have a cell phone and generally doesn't think to call and let it be known when he plans on returning. Suddenly my mom's face stiffens and the room gets quiet. He's calling from the emergency room. He had tried to call our cell phones but didn't have the correct number or felt he shouldn't leave a message when the answering service picked up.

We got in the car and headed off for the hospital as quickly as my car could safely get us there.

Apparently, T had climbed up on the jungle-gym and jumped up to grab some rings (something he had done a few times before, the last time they went to the park) but this time he didn't quite make the rings and fell back about 8 feet, hitting the back of his head on the corner of the steel step. T immediately reached up on his head and his hands were covered in blood. Dad thought his hands were broken or damaged but soon realized it was a head injury. They were alone in the park and Dad just wanted to get home. T insisted he was OK to get on his scooter and refused to ride on Dad's bicycle. 3 minutes later they were at my parents home. Dad phoned 911 and before he hung up, 2 firetrucks and an ambulance were at the house. 8 firemen, paramedics and even the Mayor were there (he's a volunteer firefighter too). They evaluated T for orientation and the extent of his injury. T was calm and and even answered their questions on his address and phone number correctly. Good boy! It was decided that he would need stitches and the ambulance would have to take him there. They placed a C collar and strapped him to a board for the ride. Dad drove behind the ambulance. T was calm the whole time.

Once in the ED, T was super scared he was going to get shots. T does NOT like shots! He hid behind the gurney and kept telling anyone who came near him that he already had his flu shot last week and didn't need any more. When it was time to fix the laceration, they wrapped T in a sheet and then 4 people held him down while they cleaned and stapled the 2 cm wound in the back of his head. T even tried to talk himself out of this uncomfortable situation by telling the medical staff that he had to go to the bathroom. But dad told them T had just finished going and to not let him up until they were finished treating him. That rascal was able to think up a potential "out" of the difficult and scary position they held him in. The laceration was quickly approximated--staples are quick! And T was sitting up and his old smiling self again. When I finally arrived with my mom and brother, T was in his treatment room with a sparkling white gauze turban around his head and an orange Popsicle in hand, like it was no big thing, waiting for the OK to go home.

What a day for T! I was, once again, amazed at how he handles scary situations. It could have happened to any kid playing at the park. And I'm happy that my dad made the call and got help fast. Head injuries are nothing to mess around with--better safe than assuming it'll be OK. The rest of the evening was smooth, with no signs of a concussion. It could have been so much worse. And I'm feeling pretty grateful that he's OK and smiling again. As a parting gift he got the 60ml syringe they used to clean his boo-boo and has found just how far you can squirt water from it. It's the coolest toy ever.